Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 358

Fbone · 09-15-2012, 07:26 PM

Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’

Fbone · 09-16-2012, 01:17 PM

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

orlok · 09-16-2012, 02:57 PM

Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.

steven522 · 09-16-2012, 03:06 PM

Now I'll be singing that song for hours.

steven522 · 09-17-2012, 11:49 AM

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
Tony asked, "How much is all this going to cost."
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" asked Tony.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to Tony. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
Tony looked around and nervously asked, "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?"
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
"No gym to work out at?" asked Tony.
"Not unless you want to."
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again."

Tony turned to glare at Yvonne and said, "You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"

Fbone · 09-17-2012, 02:18 PM

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Stitchawl · 09-18-2012, 02:14 AM

Stitchawl

Fbone · 09-18-2012, 05:21 PM

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

orlok · 09-19-2012, 06:13 AM

Got in trouble at the zoo where I work for lining all the squirrels up in order of height...

They don't like me critter sizing.

Stitchawl · 09-19-2012, 07:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nexutix

And the reply was:

Stitchawl

Hamlet53 · 09-19-2012, 12:35 PM

HomeInMyShoes · 09-19-2012, 01:14 PM

What do pirates sit on?
Their ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRse!

What happened to the pirate who fell in love with a girl?
They had an ARRrrrrrr rated affair!

What is the one thing a pirate is afraid of?
ARRRmageddon!

Why was the pirate's son a disappointment to his father?
Because when he grew up he did not want to be a pirate... he wanted to be an ARRRRRtist!!!

What did the pirate's daughter get for Christmas?
A BaRRRRRbie!

5thWiggle · 09-19-2012, 01:47 PM

September 19th.....

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

One pirate said to his fellow crewmate, "Arrrgh, that be a fine looking hook and peg leg ye got for ye'self!"
The pirate replied, "I should think so, it cost me and arm and a leg!"

To err is human.
To ARRR is pirate.

What type of girls do pirates like?
Ayyyye candy!

How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
Arrr! Me heartie!

Fbone · 09-19-2012, 02:36 PM

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

yvanleterrible · 09-19-2012, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

...or a sitting room in all you can eat joint.

(Sit! I think I messed that one up!)

09-19-2012, 12:35 PM	#5366
Hamlet53 Nameless Being	Attached Thumbnails

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09-15-2012, 07:26 PM	#5356
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’

09-16-2012, 01:17 PM	#5357
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

09-16-2012, 02:57 PM	#5358
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died. He was caught in a trap.

09-16-2012, 03:06 PM	#5359
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Now I'll be singing that song for hours.

09-17-2012, 11:49 AM	#5360
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." Tony asked, "How much is all this going to cost." "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" asked Tony. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to Tony. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." Tony looked around and nervously asked, "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" "No gym to work out at?" asked Tony. "Not unless you want to." "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again." Tony turned to glare at Yvonne and said, "You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"

09-17-2012, 02:18 PM	#5361
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

09-18-2012, 02:14 AM	#5362
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

09-18-2012, 05:21 PM	#5363
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

09-19-2012, 06:13 AM	#5364
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Got in trouble at the zoo where I work for lining all the squirrels up in order of height... They don't like me critter sizing.

09-19-2012, 01:14 PM	#5367
HomeInMyShoes Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,226 Karma: 67780237 Join Date: Jul 2011 Device: none	What do pirates sit on? Their ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRse! What happened to the pirate who fell in love with a girl? They had an ARRrrrrrr rated affair! What is the one thing a pirate is afraid of? ARRRmageddon! Why was the pirate's son a disappointment to his father? Because when he grew up he did not want to be a pirate... he wanted to be an ARRRRRtist!!! What did the pirate's daughter get for Christmas? A BaRRRRRbie!

09-19-2012, 01:47 PM	#5368
5thWiggle Benevolent Evil Lord Posts: 1,704 Karma: 48339466 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Evil Canada (We all have goatees!) Device: Galaxy Note 8.0, Galaxy Note, iPad Mini, PocketEdge(retired)	September 19th..... A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!" As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. One pirate said to his fellow crewmate, "Arrrgh, that be a fine looking hook and peg leg ye got for ye'self!" The pirate replied, "I should think so, it cost me and arm and a leg!" To err is human. To ARRR is pirate. What type of girls do pirates like? Ayyyye candy! How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!! What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack? Arrr! Me heartie!

09-19-2012, 02:36 PM	#5369
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?