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Old 02-19-2013, 08:41 AM   #6091
pdurrant
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maianhvk View Post
shortest horror story:

Spoiler:
Monday.
Nicely done. The shortest published horror story is part of "Knock" by Fredric Brown:

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door...
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Old 02-19-2013, 08:41 AM   #6092
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pdurrant View Post
Nicely done. The shortest published horror story is part of "Knock" by Fredric Brown:

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door...
Spoiler:
Was it a woman at the door?

Last edited by pdurrant; 02-19-2013 at 08:42 AM. Reason: spoiler added.
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Old 02-19-2013, 08:42 AM   #6093
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bilbo1967 View Post
Spoiler:
Was it a woman at the door?
Yes, that's right.
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Old 02-19-2013, 09:41 AM   #6094
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maianhvk View Post
shortest horror story:

Spoiler:
Monday.
I know one shorter.
Spoiler:

BOO!
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Old 02-19-2013, 09:51 AM   #6095
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Speaking of short jokes, here's a longer joke about short jokes;

Derek is sent to prison. During his first dinner there, in the crowded dinner hall, one of the other prisoners stands up and shouts, "24". All the other prisoners fall about laughing. A second prisoner stands up and shouts, "167", again, all the prisoners laugh - some even literally roll in the aisles.

That evening, Derek asks his cell mate what on earth was going on. "Ah", his cell mate replies, "We've all been in here a long time, and there's only one joke book in the prison library. We've all read it so many times that we know it off by heart. We just shout out the page number of the joke and everybody knows what we mean".

After a couple of weeks of this, Derek feels confident enough to try for himself. During a quiet period in the dining hall he stands up and shouts, "138". Silence. Nobody even giggles. Mortified, he sits back down. His cell mate turns to him and says;

Spoiler:
"It's the way you tell them"
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Old 02-19-2013, 12:29 PM   #6096
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bilbo1967 View Post
Speaking of short jokes, here's a longer joke about short jokes;

Derek is sent to prison. During his first dinner there, in the crowded dinner hall, one of the other prisoners stands up and shouts, "24". All the other prisoners fall about laughing. A second prisoner stands up and shouts, "167", again, all the prisoners laugh - some even literally roll in the aisles.

That evening, Derek asks his cell mate what on earth was going on. "Ah", his cell mate replies, "We've all been in here a long time, and there's only one joke book in the prison library. We've all read it so many times that we know it off by heart. We just shout out the page number of the joke and everybody knows what we mean".

After a couple of weeks of this, Derek feels confident enough to try for himself. During a quiet period in the dining hall he stands up and shouts, "138". Silence. Nobody even giggles. Mortified, he sits back down. His cell mate turns to him and says;

Spoiler:
"It's the way you tell them"
This joke goes on:

The next day, Derek wants a second chance. So during dinner, he stands up and shouts "922". All the prisoners start laughing, some of them rolling on the floor.

"That was a good one!" Says Derek to his mate.

Spoiler:
"Oh yes, we had never heard that one before!"
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Old 02-19-2013, 12:32 PM   #6097
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:12 PM   #6098
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:14 PM   #6099
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pablo View Post
This joke goes on:

The next day, Derek wants a second chance. So during dinner, he stands up and shouts "922". All the prisoners start laughing, some of them rolling on the floor.

"That was a good one!" Says Derek to his mate.

Spoiler:
"Oh yes, we had never heard that one before!"


Excellent!
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:19 PM   #6100
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A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:20 PM   #6101
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pablo View Post
This joke goes on:

The next day, Derek wants a second chance. So during dinner, he stands up and shouts "922". All the prisoners start laughing, some of them rolling on the floor.

"That was a good one!" Says Derek to his mate.

Spoiler:
"Oh yes, we had never heard that one before!"
Very good even though we knew it was coming
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:35 PM   #6102
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Old 02-19-2013, 05:00 PM   #6103
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Old 02-19-2013, 06:14 PM   #6104
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
How come you know my wife???
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Old 02-19-2013, 06:52 PM   #6105
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After, Sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “ before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things.

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6 – foot tall, 175 – pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No…not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
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