02-16-2009, 11:37 PM | #106 |
Technogeezer
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A pun is still the lowest form of humor, even if you did think of it first.
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02-17-2009, 02:38 AM | #107 |
Wizard
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- Father, forgive me because I have sinned.
- What did you do, son? - Last night I had a few drinks. I was walking on the street and got hungry. I was drunk, I remember I've assaulted a chicken den to catch a chicken to eat. But now I don't remember who I assaulted, not even what I did to the chicken, I was really drunk! I can't say I'm sorry or repay the owner because I don't know who he was. - Hummm... You will do the following. You'll give 50$ to the first person you see when you get out of the church. Then you will be forgiven. - Thank you, father. The man walks out of the church and the first person he sees is an attractive woman. - Here's 50$, ma'am. Take it, please. - Nope. I want 100$. - But the priest said 50$! - Oh, but he's an old client... |
02-21-2009, 12:04 PM | #108 |
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I don't care who you are, this is funny!
The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying t! his string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' |
02-21-2009, 07:57 PM | #109 | |
It's about the umbrella
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Quote:
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02-21-2009, 07:59 PM | #110 |
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02-21-2009, 08:12 PM | #111 |
It's about the umbrella
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OK, couch cleaned now... sitting on a towel to continue checking the threads.. will stay away from THIS one for a while
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02-22-2009, 12:38 AM | #112 |
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The Humorous Tale Of A Rabbi Temp
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. A few minutes later a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5." |
02-22-2009, 04:14 PM | #113 | |
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02-22-2009, 04:19 PM | #114 |
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02-22-2009, 04:47 PM | #115 |
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02-22-2009, 04:50 PM | #116 |
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02-22-2009, 04:59 PM | #117 |
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02-22-2009, 05:49 PM | #118 |
Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah!
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02-22-2009, 05:50 PM | #119 |
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02-23-2009, 08:31 PM | #120 |
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Just received this one.....
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." Last edited by Spartacus2112; 02-23-2009 at 08:31 PM. Reason: Caption |
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