MobileRead Short Story Anthology - [DISCUSSION & REVIEW]

[Graham]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

v1.2

Not much.

Spoiler:

There are still a few contractions in the Mate's speech.

Jim

Thanks.

Spoiler:

Yes. There were a few that I left in, because the rhythm really needed them. When she tries really hard, she can be more human.

Graham

[arjaybe]

v1.8

What gmw said.

I don't think it's necessary to have mother add too much salt.

A cold hand can't say anything. "No, not that one son."

I don't think a friend of a friend would have his mind engulfed by grief.

"both literally and figuratively" not needed.

Why was Mom in her room during shradh?

Rice bowls? balls?

Put punctuation inside quotes. "Like this," he said, "not like this".

Jim

[mrmarlowe]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

v1.8

A cold hand can't say anything. "No, not that one son."

I don't think a friend of a friend would have his mind engulfed by grief.

"both literally and figuratively" not needed.

True, but again dreams are weird and weird things happen all the time in dreams as I am sure you know (remember it is a dream after all).

[EDIT]

About the 'friend of friend', the mother thinks so, but it is not necessary true. Anyway I changed the line a bit.

Keep the light burning: Literally, self-explanatory; figuratively, it means "don't lose hope". There's some misplacement of words though which I would edit.

Spoiler:

Later on the mother says 'we can't lose hope'

Back to work. I won't probably be able to add the edits until Sunday.

[mrmarlowe]

When My Father 'Died' - v.1-9 is now up. Bear in mind this is just a temporary bug fix version (most of the bugs found by Sir Geoff, Sir Jim and yours truly are cleaned out). I uploaded it so if anyone else has any other suggestion to offer, they may do so. I'd especially love to know Sir Jacob's thoughts on this. A more permanent fix maybe available tonight when I hope to find time to go through the whole text.


(This is quite vicarious. I feel like I am writing a software program )

[gmw]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

Yes. I'm ready to call this one done and get started on the second one, so let's get down to the details.

Some line edit suggestions (and they are only suggestions)...

Spoiler:

"Beautiful, wise, sophisticated older sister, Sissy had ..." - this doesn't read quite smoothly to me. It's difficult to put my finger on exactly what's wrong. Maybe something like: "Beautiful, wise and sophisticated, her older sister, Sissy, had ..."

"... left sometime back then and there had ..." - I think this needs a comma for clarity: "... left sometime back then, and there had ...".

"... but Sissy protected her, ..." - this is a little strange becase I found it perfectly clear to read as part of the story, but when studying the sentences the "her" seems unclear. So I don't know whether to recommend you use "Annie" or maybe "the others", or what.

"... wondered about that because Sissy ..." - I think a comma might help this: "... wondered about that, because Sissy ..."

"... fantastic together; the two most ..." - I think a period would work as well here, for this paragraph - all the sentences relate to this daydreaming in a similar way.

"... balcony railing, and she jumped before her mouth set ..." - is not quite smooth for me. You almost need some sort of break between the "jumped" and "before" for it to flow right. For example: "... jumped, startled, before ...". (It could be just me.)

"... sounding like blankets being shook out." - this gives me some trouble. The analogy works, but it doesn't read smoothly to me. I'm not sure what to suggest.

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Graham

I've uploaded v1.2 of Planting the Flag.

This one feels right to me now, and I'm happy to receive line edit comments.

Graham

One or two general comments and some line edits suggestions...

Spoiler:

The change to the opening is more drastic than I thought you would do. I kind of liked the atmosphere of the earlier version, it was only the punctuation (", weightless,") that kept tripping me up. I do wonder if "that blocked" might be better as "blocking" or "obstructing", just a thought.

I'm not keen on the new second paragraph (it feels too far away from the earlier sentence about the lights, we're still working out where we are, there might be more lights). The old second paragraph perhaps wasn't perfect either. I wonder if it's needed at all?

"Maybe they could keep it out of sight?" - not sure the question mark is really needed here.

"the view through the port of the planet shining far below." - potential ambiguity here ("... the port of the planet ..."). Maybe: "... the port to the planet ..."

"“Can it be fixed?” AND-E said." - maybe "asked"

"through the window in front of him. Perfect!" - query the ending exclamation mark. (I don't have a big problem with it, but I don't think it's really necessary either.)

"hope we don’t hit it too hard!”" - another exclamation mark query.

"The Captain threw a schematic up on the screen." - I'm not keen on "threw", I'd prefer "brought". Again, just a thought.

"Perhaps it was all relative?" - query the query. It seems more like a conclusion than a question to me.

"the red line; some were" - query the semi-colon. I think a period would work here just as well.

"buck and kick - then ripped free" - maybe "buck and kick - then it ripped free" (just reads a little more smoothly to me).

"hammered down, righting itself." - not sure if this reads quite right. Possibly: "and hammered down before righting itself".

"spinning wildly, the cords twisted, rushing" - not quite smooth to me, should it be something like "spinning wildly, cords twisting and the capsule rushing" ?

"and waved, weakly at the door." - remove the comma I think.

You use commas in some places that I wouldn't in this sort of text, but only that last one noted above popped as as being actually wrong.

[arjaybe]

Thank you for these. I put my responses inside your spoiler tag.

Originally Posted by gmw

Some line edit suggestions (and they are only suggestions)...

Spoiler:

"Beautiful, wise, sophisticated older sister, Sissy had ..." - this doesn't read quite smoothly to me. It's difficult to put my finger on exactly what's wrong. Maybe something like: "Beautiful, wise and sophisticated, her older sister, Sissy, had ..."

I made a change here. I took out "wise."

"... left sometime back then and there had ..." - I think this needs a comma for clarity: "... left sometime back then, and there had ...".

I added a comma here. I have a thing about the overuse of commas and I guess I might use too few as a result.

"... but Sissy protected her, ..." - this is a little strange becase I found it perfectly clear to read as part of the story, but when studying the sentences the "her" seems unclear. So I don't know whether to recommend you use "Annie" or maybe "the others", or what.

I made no change here. I think it was clear when you read it because the paragraph started with "Annie" and was about her.

"... wondered about that because Sissy ..." - I think a comma might help this: "... wondered about that, because Sissy ..."

I chose to not add a comma here.

"... fantastic together; the two most ..." - I think a period would work as well here, for this paragraph - all the sentences relate to this daydreaming in a similar way.

The second phrase wouldn't be a complete sentence. I chose to not rewrite.

"... balcony railing, and she jumped before her mouth set ..." - is not quite smooth for me. You almost need some sort of break between the "jumped" and "before" for it to flow right. For example: "... jumped, startled, before ...". (It could be just me.)

I turned it into two sentences. I think it works better.

"... sounding like blankets being shook out." - this gives me some trouble. The analogy works, but it doesn't read smoothly to me. I'm not sure what to suggest.

I rewrote this whole paragraph.

[Graham]

Originally Posted by gmw

One or two general comments and some line edits suggestions...

Spoiler:

The change to the opening is more drastic than I thought you would do. I kind of liked the atmosphere of the earlier version, it was only the punctuation (", weightless,") that kept tripping me up. I do wonder if "that blocked" might be better as "blocking" or "obstructing", just a thought.

I'm not keen on the new second paragraph (it feels too far away from the earlier sentence about the lights, we're still working out where we are, there might be more lights). The old second paragraph perhaps wasn't perfect either. I wonder if it's needed at all?

"Maybe they could keep it out of sight?" - not sure the question mark is really needed here.

"the view through the port of the planet shining far below." - potential ambiguity here ("... the port of the planet ..."). Maybe: "... the port to the planet ..."

"“Can it be fixed?” AND-E said." - maybe "asked"

"through the window in front of him. Perfect!" - query the ending exclamation mark. (I don't have a big problem with it, but I don't think it's really necessary either.)

"hope we don’t hit it too hard!”" - another exclamation mark query.

"The Captain threw a schematic up on the screen." - I'm not keen on "threw", I'd prefer "brought". Again, just a thought.

"Perhaps it was all relative?" - query the query. It seems more like a conclusion than a question to me.

"the red line; some were" - query the semi-colon. I think a period would work here just as well.

"buck and kick - then ripped free" - maybe "buck and kick - then it ripped free" (just reads a little more smoothly to me).

"hammered down, righting itself." - not sure if this reads quite right. Possibly: "and hammered down before righting itself".

"spinning wildly, the cords twisted, rushing" - not quite smooth to me, should it be something like "spinning wildly, cords twisting and the capsule rushing" ?

"and waved, weakly at the door." - remove the comma I think.

You use commas in some places that I wouldn't in this sort of text, but only that last one noted above popped as as being actually wrong.

Thanks Geoff.

Spoiler:

I've just spend half an hour putting words back in to that opening, then taking them out, moving them round, etc. I think I like the shorter, punchier sentences that I got in v1.2, and I can't figure out how to put the coolant clause back in without losing that. I've put it back in but without the commas for now. I think I need to let some time pass and get some distance. I'll look at this again in a couple of weeks' time.

Ditto, regarding the second paragraph. At the moment I think it works. There's only one sentence between it and the mention of the status lights above. I do want something between the current paragraph one and three, so again, I'll leave it for a few weeks to try to come at it with fresh eyes.

Apart from that, I think I've acted on all the suggestions except that second exclamation point, which I think (hope!) does convey the sense that he's making a joke more than if I left it out.

v1.3 going up soon.

Graham

[gmw]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

Thank you for these. I put my responses inside your spoiler tag. [...]

Spoiler:

I suggested: "... fantastic together; the two most ..." - I think a period would work as well here, for this paragraph - all the sentences relate to this daydreaming in a similar way.

You responded: The second phrase wouldn't be a complete sentence. I chose to not rewrite.

In that case I think it should be joined to the main clause using a comma not a semi-colon. (In this context a semi-colon is normally used to join complete sentences without a conjunction.)

My use of commas tends to swing a bit with my mood - which is not a great thing. I try to clean up a bit while editing, but have never really managed complete consistency - I'm not sure it's possible. While I agree that prose should avoid overuse of commas, there are places where they are needed for clarity. It's sort of funny because - according to my preferences - you tend to the side of using too few, while Graham tends to the side of too many ... and there's a good chance my preferences are wrong anyway.

I used to use semi-colons more than I do now. Because of the feedback I've received from readers, I look at every use and try to eliminate those that aren't important to my purpose. The semi-colon has dropped out of favour, and it seems that people not used to reading classics tend to stumble over them.

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Graham

Thanks Geoff.[...]

Spoiler:

You said: I've just spend half an hour putting words back in to that opening, then taking them out, moving them round, etc. I think I like the shorter, punchier sentences that I got in v1.2, and I can't figure out how to put the coolant clause back in without losing that. I've put it back in but without the commas for now. I think I need to let some time pass and get some distance. I'll look at this again in a couple of weeks' time.

Yep, a break often helps (it has been months since the first draft of my story was done, and that's the way I prefer to edit). As I said, I kind of liked the earlier version of your opening apart from the punctuation, but first and foremost it has got to make you happy. None of us will ever make everyone happy all the time, so we take the advice we agree with, and simply say, "Thanks, but no thanks." to the rest.


You said: Apart from that, I think I've acted on all the suggestions except that second exclamation point, which I think (hope!) does convey the sense that he's making a joke more than if I left it out.

I tend to see the exclamation mark as an indication of vehemence, and so mismatches the idea that it was humour. I was going to suggest you add "He chuckled as his own joke", or "he concluded dryly", or something similar, but the more I looked at it the more I thought it was obviously a joke (albeit unfortunately prescient - which I liked) without needing that emphasis.

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by gmw

Spoiler:

I suggested: "... fantastic together; the two most ..." - I think a period would work as well here, for this paragraph - all the sentences relate to this daydreaming in a similar way.

You responded: The second phrase wouldn't be a complete sentence. I chose to not rewrite.

In that case I think it should be joined to the main clause using a comma not a semi-colon. (In this context a semi-colon is normally used to join complete sentences without a conjunction.)

My use of commas tends to swing a bit with my mood - which is not a great thing. I try to clean up a bit while editing, but have never really managed complete consistency - I'm not sure it's possible. While I agree that prose should avoid overuse of commas, there are places where they are needed for clarity. It's sort of funny because - according to my preferences - you tend to the side of using too few, while Graham tends to the side of too many ... and there's a good chance my preferences are wrong anyway.

I used to use semi-colons more than I do now. Because of the feedback I've received from readers, I look at every use and try to eliminate those that aren't important to my purpose. The semi-colon has dropped out of favour, and it seems that people not used to reading classics tend to stumble over them.

It's true that I try to leave out as many commas as I can. I should probably use more, though. I was actually surprised to see that semi-colon there. I tend to not use them at all. Maybe I was splitting the difference between a comma and a colon.-) Anyway, I changed it to a comma. It'll have to do.

Oh no, am I turning into a punctuation nerd?

[gmw]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

[...]
Oh no, am I turning into a punctuation nerd?

It's what I do when my writing is not going well, I start getting obsessive about the details.

[arjaybe]

If no one has any showstoppers, I'm going to upload the final version of Annie.

Jim

[Graham]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

If no one has any showstoppers, I'm going to upload the final version of Annie.

Jim

Go for it.

Graham

[arjaybe]

I've uploaded the final version of Annie to Dropbox. Now to get started on the next one.

jim