Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 378

orlok · 11-23-2012, 06:38 PM

This bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"You b*stard," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

Stitchawl · 11-23-2012, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

This bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"You b*stard," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

Stitchawl

Stitchawl · 11-23-2012, 09:09 PM

Wisconsin Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from

Wisconsin and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy,'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight feeding cattle, mending fences, planting, baling hay, and when I'm not doing that, I'm
out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he
died?'
'Who said my father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Wisconsinite. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Wisconsin farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'

Stitchawl

yvanleterrible · 11-24-2012, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

This bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"You b*stard," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

Best is that you're still alive...

James_Wilde · 11-24-2012, 10:32 AM

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a blind hill, in the fog.

Fbone · 11-24-2012, 07:22 PM

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

orlok · 11-25-2012, 07:29 AM

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Kumabjorn · 11-25-2012, 10:26 AM

I've finally figured out why most states legalize gay marriage and mariujana at the same time.

Spoiler:

Fbone · 11-25-2012, 02:05 PM

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumor.

Quexos · 11-25-2012, 02:27 PM

So true ...

LOL !!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeterT

If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's outside it?

Spoiler:

Hamlet53 · 11-25-2012, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Wisconsin Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

. . .

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'

Stitchawl

Shotgun wedding ?

Freeshadow · 11-25-2012, 06:05 PM

I wonder if there's a documented case of someone who took the shot choice.

Stitchawl · 11-25-2012, 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freeshadow

I wonder if there's a documented case of someone who took the shot choice.

Doubt it, but I'll bet there are a few who wish they did...

Stitchawl

Quexos · 11-25-2012, 07:37 PM

My doctor said I'm schizophrenic, and so am I ...

EZPuzzler · 11-25-2012, 10:33 PM

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.

Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.

And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, “Some dope put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

11-25-2012, 10:26 AM	#5663
Kumabjorn Basculocolpic Posts: 4,356 Karma: 20181319 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Kindle 3 WiFi, Kindle 4SO, Kindle for Android, Sony PRS-350 and PRS-T1	I've finally figured out why most states legalize gay marriage and mariujana at the same time. Spoiler: Leviticus says: If a man lies down with another man he shall be stoned. Last edited by Kumabjorn; 11-25-2012 at 10:28 AM.

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11-23-2012, 06:38 PM	#5656
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	This bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please." "Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?" "You b*stard," he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.

11-23-2012, 09:09 PM	#5658
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Wisconsin Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,'How do you stay in such great physical condition?' 'I'm from Wisconsin and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy,'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight feeding cattle, mending fences, planting, baling hay, and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.' 'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?' 'Who said my father's dead?' The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?' 'He's 100 years old,' says the old Wisconsinite. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Wisconsin farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.' 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?' 'Who said my grandpa's dead?' Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?' 'He's 118 years old,' says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?' 'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.' At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?' 'Who said he wanted to?' Stitchawl

11-24-2012, 10:32 AM	#5660
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a blind hill, in the fog.

11-24-2012, 07:22 PM	#5661
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love? His friends replies, "A Carnation??" "No. No. The other one" the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?" "Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns." His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

11-25-2012, 07:29 AM	#5662
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

11-25-2012, 02:05 PM	#5664
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A rumor.

11-25-2012, 06:05 PM	#5667
Freeshadow temp. out of service Posts: 2,792 Karma: 24285242 Join Date: May 2010 Location: Duisburg (DE) Device: PB 623	I wonder if there's a documented case of someone who took the shot choice.

11-25-2012, 07:37 PM	#5669
Quexos Member Retired Posts: 1,999 Karma: 11348924 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Limbo Device: none	My doctor said I'm schizophrenic, and so am I ...

11-25-2012, 10:33 PM	#5670
EZPuzzler Connoisseur Posts: 55 Karma: 475060 Join Date: May 2009 Device: Nexus 7, Sony T2	Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”. Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”. And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.” Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.” “No”, says the nurse, “Some dope put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.