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Old 10-17-2014, 06:50 AM   #8116
PoP
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PieMan597 View Post
Why is a building called a building if it has already been built?
Because only the English could have invented english!


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ...
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?




EDIT: For the record, this is not from me. I don't remember where I copied it from. Thank you all anyway for the K.

Last edited by PoP; 10-17-2014 at 02:53 PM. Reason: To attribute credit to an unknown englishman
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Old 10-17-2014, 09:20 AM   #8117
japinder
jp
japinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameterjapinder can solve quadratic equations while standing on his or her head reciting poetry in iambic pentameter
 
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Wow...
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Old 10-17-2014, 09:40 AM   #8118
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That's what I was going to say!

More on this subject: If a doctor has gone to medical school for eight years and still needs to practice his skills daily, shouldn't you be afraid?
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Old 10-17-2014, 11:13 AM   #8119
Glorfindel
Wizard
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Old 10-17-2014, 06:47 PM   #8120
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Got munchies?

This is not a joke, just an interesting observation about tonight's supper. I know attitudes about marijuana are changing, but I was surprised at the instructions on the package of the Chicken Parmesan I bought to "Eat on high for 9 minutes."
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Old 10-17-2014, 07:37 PM   #8121
Kumabjorn
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Taking care of the munchies while you're at it?
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Old 10-17-2014, 07:49 PM   #8122
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Cook times are approxi, mate!
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Old 10-17-2014, 09:00 PM   #8123
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Obviously, you snagged a packet of airline food.
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Old 10-18-2014, 05:05 AM   #8124
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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What do airlines eat? Are there really lines made of air? Can you hang clothes on them? Do clothes commit murder?



(don't start me on this, I could write a book...)
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Old 10-19-2014, 06:14 AM   #8125
orlok
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There was a lighthouse keeper called Crighton
Who took to seeing a young lady from Brighton
But ships ran aground
And fishermen drowned
'Cos she didn't like sex with the light on.
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Old 10-19-2014, 07:46 AM   #8126
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Old 10-19-2014, 10:30 AM   #8127
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Among Isaac Asimov's favorite limericks:

There was a lady in Madras
who had a remarkable ass.
It wasn't round and pink
as you may think.
It was big, hairy, gray, and ate grass.


(making good use of a measly time slit between obnoxious duties)
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Old 10-19-2014, 08:48 PM   #8128
crich70
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Dr. Asimov also wrote some of his own. When he was having surgery on his throat he wrote:
"Dr. Dr, in your green coat
Dr. Dr. Cut my throat,
And when you've finished Dr. Then
Kindly sew it up again.

I gather he said it to his Dr. Just before going under and the Dr. had to get his laughter under control before he could begin the surgery.
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