Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 447

wannabee · 07-01-2013, 06:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

I don't know... but...

If the opposite of con is pro, then is the opposite of congress, progress?

BOb

Boom Boom

Fbone · 07-01-2013, 12:27 PM

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Fbone · 07-02-2013, 03:25 PM

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

wodin · 07-02-2013, 04:33 PM

Real life story.

I have a co-worker who is managing a project to upgrade the Commanding General’s headquarters in preparation for his change of command and the position upgraded to a Four Star General. One of the things that is being installed is a credenza to cover up the IT equipment in his office. The contractor who is installing the equipment has a lot of experience with IT equipment, but none at all with furniture.

Needless to say, the credenza was a bit less than Four Star General quality, and my friend rejected it saying “You have to do better than that! And you have to do it in two days because that’s when the new General will be here”

The contractor took the credenza out and brought it to a furniture restoration firm. The lady at the firm looked at it, and asked “Do you swear?”

The contractor looked at her funny, and said “Uh,,, well… uh… yes I do occasionally.”

Spoiler:

orange! · 07-02-2013, 05:31 PM

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Shall I put that on your bill?".

Bilbo1967 · 07-02-2013, 05:52 PM

This duck walks into his regular pharmacy and asks for a condom. The server says, "Shall I put that on your bill?". "What kind of pervert do you think I am?", replies the duck indignantly.

HomeInMyShoes · 07-03-2013, 12:25 PM

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Later that day when the Aunt and her husband were over for dinner. The Aunt began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

MJK2111 · 07-03-2013, 01:21 PM

Two fonts walk in to a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your type here!"

MJK2111 · 07-03-2013, 01:24 PM

A piece of string walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve string in this bar!"
The string walks next door to the beauty parlor, ties himself into a loop and stands under the hairdryer for a minute.
He walks back in to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says "Aren't you the piece of string that was just here?".
The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot..."

Fbone · 07-03-2013, 01:28 PM

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

MJK2111 · 07-03-2013, 01:41 PM

Two termites walk in to a bar and sit down next to an elderly gentleman. One of the termites looks around and then asks the gentleman "Excuse me, but is the bartender here?"

MJK2111 · 07-03-2013, 01:42 PM

Two sets of rough looking jumper cables walk in to a bar and order shots and beers. The bartender says "I'll serve you now, but don't try and start anything in here!"

MJK2111 · 07-03-2013, 01:42 PM

Two blondes walk in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it...

orlok · 07-03-2013, 02:52 PM

Stitchawl · 07-03-2013, 06:54 PM

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the guy at Home Depot who installed them. He complained
that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for
them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales
guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in
a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung
up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

07-02-2013, 04:33 PM	#6694
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Real life story. I have a co-worker who is managing a project to upgrade the Commanding General’s headquarters in preparation for his change of command and the position upgraded to a Four Star General. One of the things that is being installed is a credenza to cover up the IT equipment in his office. The contractor who is installing the equipment has a lot of experience with IT equipment, but none at all with furniture. Needless to say, the credenza was a bit less than Four Star General quality, and my friend rejected it saying “You have to do better than that! And you have to do it in two days because that’s when the new General will be here” The contractor took the credenza out and brought it to a furniture restoration firm. The lady at the firm looked at it, and asked “Do you swear?” The contractor looked at her funny, and said “Uh,,, well… uh… yes I do occasionally.” Spoiler: She said “Your F***ed!”

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07-01-2013, 12:27 PM	#6692
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

07-02-2013, 03:25 PM	#6693
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

07-02-2013, 05:31 PM	#6695
orange! Born to be wild Posts: 206 Karma: 1010067 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: North Carolina, USA Device: Kindle K3 wi-fi, Nexus 7 + Aldiko	This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Shall I put that on your bill?".

07-02-2013, 05:52 PM	#6696
Bilbo1967 Not scared! Posts: 13,424 Karma: 81011643 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Midlands, UK Device: Kindle Paperwhite 10, Huawei M5 10	This duck walks into his regular pharmacy and asks for a condom. The server says, "Shall I put that on your bill?". "What kind of pervert do you think I am?", replies the duck indignantly.

07-03-2013, 12:25 PM	#6697
HomeInMyShoes Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,226 Karma: 67780237 Join Date: Jul 2011 Device: none	A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" Later that day when the Aunt and her husband were over for dinner. The Aunt began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!" The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

07-03-2013, 01:21 PM	#6698
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Two fonts walk in to a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your type here!"

07-03-2013, 01:24 PM	#6699
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	A piece of string walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve string in this bar!" The string walks next door to the beauty parlor, ties himself into a loop and stands under the hairdryer for a minute. He walks back in to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says "Aren't you the piece of string that was just here?". The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot..."

07-03-2013, 01:28 PM	#6700
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

07-03-2013, 01:41 PM	#6701
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Two termites walk in to a bar and sit down next to an elderly gentleman. One of the termites looks around and then asks the gentleman "Excuse me, but is the bartender here?"

07-03-2013, 01:42 PM	#6702
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Two sets of rough looking jumper cables walk in to a bar and order shots and beers. The bartender says "I'll serve you now, but don't try and start anything in here!"

07-03-2013, 02:52 PM	#6704
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"

07-03-2013, 01:42 PM	#6703
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Two blondes walk in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it...

07-03-2013, 06:54 PM	#6705
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the guy at Home Depot who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.