Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Kumabjorn]

A dyslexic agnostic insomniac is one who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Pookeysgirl]

I hope these haven't been posted already.

A few psychic jokes:

"I almost had a Psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."... Steven Wright.
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A lady visits a psychic of some local repute. In a candle lit room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the tarot reader delivers the bad news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the lady stares at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply has to know. She meets the tarot reader's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I get away with it?"
.................................................. ........
I went to a psychic fair once but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
.................................................. .......
If people have "psychic powers", how come they don't win all the lotteries?

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Not really a joke, but I like the way that farmer thinks.

Yeah, me too. Just like his horses he sees outside of the box...

[Fbone]

An airliner is flying accross country, when the pilot comes on the PA to announce, "we have some bad news. One of the engines just failed and as a result, we will be delayed by 30 minutes."

A bit later, the pilot returns, "we have some more bad news. Another engine just failed, and we will be delayed an additional hour."

Another bit later, "Sorry folks, more bad news. A third engine just failed, and so, since we will be running only on the one remaining engine, the flight will be delayed by another two hours."

At this point, a disgruntled passenger turns to his neighbor and says, "I sure hope that last engine keeps working or else we'll be up here all night!"

[Nexutix]

Originally Posted by Fbone

At this point, a disgruntled passenger turns to his neighbor and says, "I sure hope that last engine keeps working or else we'll be up here all night!"

That would be true for airships.

[orlok]

My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week...

I lost it.

[orlok]

I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices all over a non-fiction book.

It's baste on a true story.

[James_Wilde]

Just got this one on FB - no, not F-Bone, dummies. Facebook. Maybe you've not seen it yet:

[Fbone]

How to Get a Raise

A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.

Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[EZPuzzler]

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites.
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates ,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world..

He went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied :
"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[red_phoenix]

Originally Posted by Hamlet53

[steven522]

Man... I've got to remember that for next year...

[Fbone]

The couple’s young daughter had adopted a stray cat.

To her mother’s distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. “Don’t worry,” her husband reassured her. “I’ll have him trained in no time.”

They watched for several days as he patiently “trained” their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

[issybird]