Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 776

DNSB · 04-11-2022, 01:55 AM

A husband and wife are watching a movie about a widower struggling to raise children alone.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "If I die, I want you to remarry, so the kids will have a mother."

He says, "Yeah, I guess that would be best."

She gets mad at his lack of loyalty. "Just like that, huh? You'd just replace me."

"You brought it up. It was your idea. Besides, you're right, it would be better for the kids."

"Not a moment's hesitation. You'd just bring someone home to sleep in our bed."

"What's wrong with our bed? You're getting mad over nothing."

"Nothing? You'd give her my car to drive, wouldn't you?"

"Honey, you're being silly. You're not going to die, and even if you did, God forbid, what difference would it make what happens to your car?"

"I bet you'd even let her use my golf clubs."

"Oh, no. She's left handed."

drjd · 04-11-2022, 05:29 AM

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

drjd · 04-17-2022, 05:56 AM

Every year I like to hide a dozen Easter Eggs in the house for the grand children.

This year my wife said "No Way" until I find the two unaccounted for eggs from last year.

DNSB · 04-17-2022, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

Every year I like to hide a dozen Easter Eggs in the house for the grand children.

This year my wife said "No Way" until I find the two unaccounted for eggs from last year.

Been there, done that with my kids.

cromag · 04-17-2022, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

Every year I like to hide a dozen Easter Eggs in the house for the grand children.

This year my wife said "No Way" until I find the two unaccounted for eggs from last year.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

Been there, done that with my kids.

Same here.

drjd · 04-24-2022, 06:08 AM

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

DNSB · 04-24-2022, 10:37 PM

"Where are we going?"
"Alcohol."
"Alcohol's not a place."
"It's a destination."

drjd · 04-25-2022, 06:12 AM

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

DNSB · 04-25-2022, 09:43 PM

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

drjd · 04-28-2022, 05:14 AM

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico.

The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

DNSB · 04-28-2022, 01:00 PM

How did the Irish Jig get started?

Too much Guinness and not enough bathrooms!

drjd · 04-30-2022, 07:19 AM

An Irishman goes into the confessional box...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

drjd · 05-11-2022, 07:31 AM

Kids' conversation overheard:

"What does your mother do for a headache?"

"She sends me out to play."

DNSB · 05-11-2022, 02:35 PM

I've decided on cremation. It's my last chance for a smoking hot body.

cromag · 05-12-2022, 01:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

How did the Irish Jig get started?

Too much Guinness and not enough bathrooms!

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04-11-2022, 01:55 AM	#11626
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,839 Karma: 145624992 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A husband and wife are watching a movie about a widower struggling to raise children alone. The wife turns to her husband and says, "If I die, I want you to remarry, so the kids will have a mother." He says, "Yeah, I guess that would be best." She gets mad at his lack of loyalty. "Just like that, huh? You'd just replace me." "You brought it up. It was your idea. Besides, you're right, it would be better for the kids." "Not a moment's hesitation. You'd just bring someone home to sleep in our bed." "What's wrong with our bed? You're getting mad over nothing." "Nothing? You'd give her my car to drive, wouldn't you?" "Honey, you're being silly. You're not going to die, and even if you did, God forbid, what difference would it make what happens to your car?" "I bet you'd even let her use my golf clubs." "Oh, no. She's left handed."

04-11-2022, 05:29 AM	#11627
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

04-17-2022, 05:56 AM	#11628
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Every year I like to hide a dozen Easter Eggs in the house for the grand children. This year my wife said "No Way" until I find the two unaccounted for eggs from last year.

04-24-2022, 06:08 AM	#11631
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

04-24-2022, 10:37 PM	#11632
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,839 Karma: 145624992 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	"Where are we going?" "Alcohol." "Alcohol's not a place." "It's a destination."

04-25-2022, 06:12 AM	#11633
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

04-25-2022, 09:43 PM	#11634
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,839 Karma: 145624992 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

04-28-2022, 05:14 AM	#11635
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

04-28-2022, 01:00 PM	#11636
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,839 Karma: 145624992 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	How did the Irish Jig get started? Too much Guinness and not enough bathrooms!

04-30-2022, 07:19 AM	#11637
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An Irishman goes into the confessional box... An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

05-11-2022, 07:31 AM	#11638
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Kids' conversation overheard: "What does your mother do for a headache?" "She sends me out to play."

05-11-2022, 02:35 PM	#11639
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,839 Karma: 145624992 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	I've decided on cremation. It's my last chance for a smoking hot body.