Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 603

alansplace · 02-07-2016, 11:18 PM

drjd · 02-08-2016, 07:49 AM

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

alansplace · 02-08-2016, 09:50 AM

Buhaj47 · 02-08-2016, 10:07 AM

- Mum, was I planned?

- Ask your father.

- What father?

- Exactly.

Fbone · 02-08-2016, 03:09 PM

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

alansplace · 02-08-2016, 03:24 PM

drjd · 02-09-2016, 06:09 AM

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

Freeshadow · 02-09-2016, 10:11 AM

Mobile plans are like deep sea fishing: While you are paying attention to net coverage, they get you hooked, you find out there were some strings attached and they reel you in and dry you out.

Fbone · 02-09-2016, 09:57 PM

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.

drjd · 02-10-2016, 09:09 AM

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class.

He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a 'period'," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"

"Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."

Fbone · 02-10-2016, 07:28 PM

Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

Fbone · 02-11-2016, 07:58 PM

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public,

Stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

drjd · 02-12-2016, 11:31 AM

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Fbone · 02-12-2016, 06:55 PM

You look like a before picture.

WT Sharpe · 02-13-2016, 01:13 PM

This was just posted on Facebook:

Quote:

So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.

. . . Well, everyone except for this one guy.

02-07-2016, 11:18 PM	#9031
alansplace Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,886 Karma: 464403178 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: 33.9388° N, 117.2716° W Device: Kindles K-2, K-KB, PW 1 & 2, Voyage, Fire 2, 5 & HD 8, Surface 3, iPad	Humorous . . .

02-08-2016, 09:50 AM	#9033
alansplace Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,886 Karma: 464403178 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: 33.9388° N, 117.2716° W Device: Kindles K-2, K-KB, PW 1 & 2, Voyage, Fire 2, 5 & HD 8, Surface 3, iPad	Humorous . . .

02-08-2016, 03:24 PM	#9036
alansplace Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,886 Karma: 464403178 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: 33.9388° N, 117.2716° W Device: Kindles K-2, K-KB, PW 1 & 2, Voyage, Fire 2, 5 & HD 8, Surface 3, iPad	Humorous . . .

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

02-08-2016, 07:49 AM	#9032
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

02-08-2016, 10:07 AM	#9034
Buhaj47 Zealot Posts: 147 Karma: 278068 Join Date: Dec 2014 Location: Poland Device: Kindle PW3, Kobo Libra 2	- Mum, was I planned? - Ask your father. - What father? - Exactly.

02-08-2016, 03:09 PM	#9035
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

02-09-2016, 06:09 AM	#9037
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

02-09-2016, 10:11 AM	#9038
Freeshadow temp. out of service Posts: 2,792 Karma: 24285242 Join Date: May 2010 Location: Duisburg (DE) Device: PB 623	Mobile plans are like deep sea fishing: While you are paying attention to net coverage, they get you hooked, you find out there were some strings attached and they reel you in and dry you out.

02-09-2016, 09:57 PM	#9039
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.

02-10-2016, 09:09 AM	#9040
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a 'period'," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?" "Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."

02-10-2016, 07:28 PM	#9041
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

02-11-2016, 07:58 PM	#9042
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, Stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

02-12-2016, 11:31 AM	#9043
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

02-12-2016, 06:55 PM	#9044
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You look like a before picture.