Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 496

steven522 · 01-24-2014, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Unbreakable security.

Is this one of those "it keeps the honest people honest" type of setups?

steven522 · 01-24-2014, 08:46 AM

So I took my nephew out to buy him his first beer.

We went into the bar and I bought him a Bud but he refused to drink it. Not wanting to waste it, I drank it and bought a different beer for him. He didn't like Miller, either. I drank it and bought another. It turns out he didn't like Fosters or Heineken or any of the various micro brews the bar carried and I kept drinking them for him.

By the time I gave up trying to find him a beer he liked I could barely push his stroller back home.

orlok · 01-24-2014, 09:41 AM

I went to a vegetarian restaurant last night, and when I'd finished the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice," I replied. "My compliments to the gardener."

Fbone · 01-24-2014, 08:19 PM

Hamlet53 · 01-27-2014, 12:08 PM

Not really a joke, just something amusing.

Nursing home recreates famous scenes

Now I have the urge to see Breakfast at Tiffany's once more. I love that film, and Hepburn, so much I will tolerate Micky Rooney.

Stitchawl · 01-27-2014, 07:09 PM

After an examination, the doctor said to Frank: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said Frank. "After my wife Jeannie and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly . . . and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined Jeannie later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

Jeannie replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Well, Frank mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time . . . and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bastard Frank!!!'' Jeannie replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

Stitchawl

Stitchawl · 01-28-2014, 11:59 AM

I asked my wife what women really wanted. She replied, "attentive lovers." Or maybe she said, "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...

Stitchawl

steven522 · 01-28-2014, 12:57 PM

In the Southern USA a sign that snow may be coming is the utter lack of milk and bread on the store shelves.

Fbone · 01-28-2014, 06:50 PM

Better than rocking horses!

Stitchawl · 01-28-2014, 09:01 PM

(For the non-Jews, mezuzah is A mezuzah is a piece of paper contained in a decorative case inscribed with specified Hebrew verses from the Torah; the Jewish prayer "Shema Yisrael", beginning with the phrase: "Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is One" and is affixed to the doorframe in Jewish homes. It's that little thing about 2"-3" long and 1/2" wide stuck on the side of the doorway to a house.)

A mezuzah man who has finally made it in business treats
himself to a new Lamborghini! After buying it, he feels guilty
so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the
Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini,"
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A sports car."
"What? That's blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah
for a sports car? Go to the conservatives!"
Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the conservative Rabbi
and asks for a mezuzah.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"For my Lamborghini", the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, a sports car."
"What kind of sports car?" asks the Rabbi.
"Italian."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts.
You want a mezuzah for a Goyishe car? Go to the Reform!"
Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but goes to the
Reform Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?"

Stitchawl

Bookpossum · 01-28-2014, 09:49 PM

Oh that deserves karma but it won't me give you any. Please accept some virtual karma.

Hamlet53 · 01-29-2014, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

[I](For the non-Jews, mezuzah is A mezuzah is a piece of paper contained in a decorative case inscribed with specified Hebrew verses from the Torah; the Jewish prayer "Shema Yisr

. . . .

"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?"

Stitchawl

For requiring a preamble explanation and length: D

For comic payoff: A

There are a lot more of these at this web site: http://www.honestslogans.com

Stitchawl · 01-29-2014, 07:50 PM

I have enough money to live very comfortably for the rest of my life...
... as long as I die a week from Tuesday.

Stitchawl

Fbone · 01-29-2014, 08:27 PM

How is it possible?

Stitchawl · 01-29-2014, 10:56 PM

A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis (earlocks), a kaftan (a long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat worn by Chassidic Jews), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies: " Brooklyn . There's thousands of them."

Stitchawl

01-27-2014, 12:08 PM	#7430
Hamlet53 Nameless Being	Not really a joke, just something amusing. Nursing home recreates famous scenes Now I have the urge to see Breakfast at Tiffany's once more. I love that film, and Hepburn, so much I will tolerate Micky Rooney. Attached Thumbnails

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01-24-2014, 08:46 AM	#7427
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	So I took my nephew out to buy him his first beer. We went into the bar and I bought him a Bud but he refused to drink it. Not wanting to waste it, I drank it and bought a different beer for him. He didn't like Miller, either. I drank it and bought another. It turns out he didn't like Fosters or Heineken or any of the various micro brews the bar carried and I kept drinking them for him. By the time I gave up trying to find him a beer he liked I could barely push his stroller back home.

01-24-2014, 09:41 AM	#7428
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I went to a vegetarian restaurant last night, and when I'd finished the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?" "It was very nice," I replied. "My compliments to the gardener."

01-24-2014, 08:19 PM	#7429
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus

01-27-2014, 07:09 PM	#7431
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	After an examination, the doctor said to Frank: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' said Frank. "After my wife Jeannie and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly . . . and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." When the doctor examined Jeannie later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' Jeannie replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Well, Frank mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time . . . and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?' "Oh, that crazy old bastard Frank!!!'' Jeannie replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August. Stitchawl

01-28-2014, 11:59 AM	#7432
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I asked my wife what women really wanted. She replied, "attentive lovers." Or maybe she said, "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening... Stitchawl

01-28-2014, 12:57 PM	#7433
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	In the Southern USA a sign that snow may be coming is the utter lack of milk and bread on the store shelves.

01-28-2014, 06:50 PM	#7434
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Better than rocking horses!

01-28-2014, 09:01 PM	#7435
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	(For the non-Jews, mezuzah is A mezuzah is a piece of paper contained in a decorative case inscribed with specified Hebrew verses from the Torah; the Jewish prayer "Shema Yisrael", beginning with the phrase: "Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is One" and is affixed to the doorframe in Jewish homes. It's that little thing about 2"-3" long and 1/2" wide stuck on the side of the doorway to a house.) A mezuzah man who has finally made it in business treats himself to a new Lamborghini! After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini. "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks. "It's a Lamborghini," "What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi. "A sports car." "What? That's blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the conservatives!" Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah. "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks. "For my Lamborghini", the man replies. "What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi. "A car, a sports car." "What kind of sports car?" asks the Rabbi. "Italian." "What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. You want a mezuzah for a Goyishe car? Go to the Reform!" Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but goes to the Reform Rabbi. "Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini." "You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi. "You know what it is?" says the man. "Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?" Stitchawl

01-28-2014, 09:49 PM	#7436
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,137 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Oh that deserves karma but it won't me give you any. Please accept some virtual karma.

01-29-2014, 07:50 PM	#7438
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I have enough money to live very comfortably for the rest of my life... ... as long as I die a week from Tuesday. Stitchawl

01-29-2014, 08:27 PM	#7439
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	How is it possible?

01-29-2014, 10:56 PM	#7440
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis (earlocks), a kaftan (a long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat worn by Chassidic Jews), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?" The parrot replies: " Brooklyn . There's thousands of them." Stitchawl