Can I ask for your assistance? - Page 3

Lemurion · 06-06-2009, 06:12 PM

My essay technique is to divide it into three sections:

Tell them what you're going to say.

Say it.

Tell them what you said.

Introduction, body, conclusion.

cjcherryh · 06-06-2009, 07:14 PM

Also---if proving a thesis, offer 3 proofs for each claim: only one is happenstance...twice is coincidence...three times is proof, and four is boring.

That is, at least, the way I learned it too long ago.

Alphapheemail · 06-06-2009, 11:32 PM

Topic:
“As Charles F. Kettering said, “The price of progress is trouble.””
Method: Present your perspective on an issue.

[tab]Society is a living entity that interacts with its environment like any organism. Evolution ensures that species have to adapt to the ever changing environment. Variation comes with specialization and this always leads to more complexity. Therefore, like any object that is highly complex and specialized; there will be corresponding idiosyncratic issues. However, without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far and for a society that could lead to stagnation. A society comes together to resolve the new set of issues that comes with an advancement. This promotes further development of improvements; thus allowing progress as a whole and revealing a new set of issues to tackle.

[tab]The living and breathing organism that is society changes according to the needs of the individuals participating in it. Humans and all organisms evolve to meet the new needs of the environment. This environment is inclusive of the physical ecosystem and the interactions within it. Since the majority of the interactions are with the latter; the process becomes a positive feedback mechanism. This process will enforce all individuals participating in it to evolve or the individual will be forced to participate in the sidelines. This can be readily seen with the development of computers that led to the conception of the Internet. This created two forms of individuals; the ones who had a handle on the new advances and the ones who did not.

[tab]The variation of society is closely tied to the animalistic needs of it. Once the individual’s basic needs, nutrition and shelter, are compromised; the individual will choose to adhere to the new changes in order to ensure its welfare. This is also forces the individual to be accepting of all the associated problems that might come with the new adaptation. The computer was developed to facilitate mathematical computations. The acceptance of this new invention brought about a multitude of societal problems and will be the cause of many more to come in the future. When the computer started being used as a tactical weapon, other countries had no choice but to embrace it and use it as well. This included the need for computer developers, which led to the need of a higher standard in education for generations to come so they know how to handle the new advances.

[tab]The new advances in society are accumulated and passed on to the following generation; allowing them to handle the current situation accordingly. These advances are conceived to solve current problems in the life of the individual and if the solution is beneficial, it will be dissipated amongst all members of the species. If this did not occur, not only will there be no more advances; but there will be repetition of livelihoods among generations. This also incubates a society incapable of change and individual thought. When an organism is inflexible it is the most vulnerable to suffer at the hands of a single major environmental change.

[tab]An organism accepts change in order to benefit its livelihood, the issues associated with this change further stimulates the organism to adapt. The next generations will be aware of the improvements and benefit from them without having to endure plight of the previously rudimentary lifestyle. They in turn will tackle the current issues thus ensuring that the next generation will not have to face the same concerns. When the computer was developed there were only a handful of individuals who knew the internal workings of it. As the next generation came into maturity it benefited from the knowledge of concept of computational science and concentrated on improving the technology. This information was disseminated to society as a whole and they came to accept it once the computers became essential part in the interactions of society.

[tab]Progress is embedded in the blueprint of life. Life that is inflexible to the changes provided by its environment has very little chance to survive and reproduce. It is those organisms that are able to change and pass along the new information that ensure the survival of the species. Progress can be seen as a stimulant rather than an obstruction to society. The new generations will always have very difficult problems to confront, but it will not have to go back and reassess the problems that generations prior have already tackled and solved efficiently. This positive feedback of developments and its new problems ensures that society progresses at a steady pace and that it does not become repetitive.

Alphapheemail · 06-06-2009, 11:38 PM

:: phew::

This took me about 90 minutes to complete, from outline to editing. I have to work on that since I only have 45 minutes.

I did my best to apply all of the tips from all members and the books i obtained.

I would highly appreciate if you could tell me what I have done particularly well as well as the things I didn't since I might not be realizing that I am doing XYZ right. This way I can concentrate on my weakness.

I am already extremely grateful to all members that have taken the time out of their day to help me.

=D

Alphapheemail · 06-06-2009, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemurion

My essay technique is to divide it into three sections:

Tell them what you're going to say.

Say it.

Tell them what you said.

Introduction, body, conclusion.

I have heard this from my professor too. but this always seemed very vague to me...

wayspooled · 06-07-2009, 12:00 AM

Howdy

Okay, writing is not my thing really but I have one suggestion for readability... Those couple of sentences you have which begin with "However" and "Therefore" - those are words that are not needed in those sentences. Usually they're used in the middle of a compound sentence to tie things together. That's about the only contribution I can make.

If you were adding those words as a sort of prefix to keep all the sentences from being about the same length, you might take a look at just tieing a couple of the shorter sentences together.

wayspooled · 06-07-2009, 12:05 AM

The exact thing I'm talking about and I can't really describe it would be illustrated like this.

"Variation comes with specialization and this always leads to more complexity. Like any object that is highly complex and specialized there will be corresponding idiosyncratic issues, however without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far. For a society that could lead to stagnation."

Alphapheemail · 06-07-2009, 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wayspooled

The exact thing I'm talking about and I can't really describe it would be illustrated like this.

"Variation comes with specialization and this always leads to more complexity. Like any object that is highly complex and specialized there will be corresponding idiosyncratic issues, however without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far. For a society that could lead to stagnation."

"Variation comes with specialization and this always leads to more complexity. Like any object that is highly complex and specialized there will be corresponding idiosyncratic issues. Without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far. For a society that could lead to stagnation."

That does sound better?

I feel like I should be joining the last two sentences...

Without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far; for a society that could lead to stagnation.

?

wayspooled · 06-07-2009, 12:29 AM

I guess what I was saying was that it doesn't read as well with every sentence having the approximate same structure. If you prefer not to have the probably too large sentence in the middle like I first suggested, and I don't blame ya - I'm no writer - you might try restructuring your last compound sentence like this.

Instead of "Without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far; for a society that could lead to stagnation."

You might try "An organism's evolution can only go so far without complexity and for a society, that could lead to stagnation."

Or something like that. Whereever that pesky comma is supposed to go. I always have trouble with those, heh, told ya I'm no writer

AlexBell · 06-07-2009, 03:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cjcherryh

Also---if proving a thesis, offer 3 proofs for each claim: only one is happenstance...twice is coincidence...three times is proof, and four is boring.

That is, at least, the way I learned it too long ago.

Can I ask, if I may, whether you are THE C J Cheyryh, the author?

Regards, Alex

dreams · 06-07-2009, 03:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlexBell

Can I ask, if I may, whether you are THE C J Cheyryh, the author?

Regards, Alex

She has just joined and introduced herself here..
https://www.mobileread.com/forums/showthread.php?t=48450

wayspooled · 06-08-2009, 01:17 AM

Thanks for the karma

Just noticed, hehe.. Glad to have helped.

AlexBell · 06-08-2009, 02:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreams

She has just joined and introduced herself here..
https://www.mobileread.com/forums/showthread.php?t=48450

Thanks. I did check the personal profile, but didn't think of checking the introduce yourself forum.

Regards, Alex

Jack Tingle · 06-08-2009, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alphapheemail

Topic:
“As Charles F. Kettering said, “The price of progress is trouble.””
Method: Present your perspective on an issue.

[tab]Society is a living entity that interacts with its environment like any organism. Evolution ensures that species have to adapt to the ever changing environment. Variation comes with specialization and this always leads to more complexity. Therefore, like any object that is highly complex and specialized; there will be corresponding idiosyncratic issues. However, without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far and for a society that could lead to stagnation. A society comes together to resolve the new set of issues that comes with an advancement. This promotes further development of improvements; thus allowing progress as a whole and revealing a new set of issues to tackle.

A few issues:
1) Beware (especially in your topic sentence/paragraph above) of mixing metaphors and identity. Society is not a living entity. It's like a living entity. Also be careful of calling society an organism in one place and a species in another. Organisms adapt; species evolve. Keep your analogy clear.
2) You address the Kettering quote obliquely. You should address it directly at some point in the topic paragraph.
3) SHORT WORDS!
4) Shorter sentences, please. Break compound sentences (mea culpa, everyone does it).

The basic approach is good. Showing that progress is similar to biological evolution, and therefore is driven by failures is a nice idea.

Good Luck,
Jack Tingle
(who avoided the GREs by walking down the right hallway at the right time and inadvertently getting an MSME)

sirbruce · 06-08-2009, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alphapheemail

I would highly appreciate if you could tell me what I have done particularly well as well as the things I didn't since I might not be realizing that I am doing XYZ right. This way I can concentrate on my weakness.

As others have said, you've got the basic approach down. But you're going to need a lot of polish.

It seems like the topic you chose to cover is not one on which you actually have a particular point of view and you're just reciting various points about it. That's fine, but remember your goal: to convince people that while problems come with progress, progress is still a positive or essential. Your sentences should be working towards that goal.

I'm not sure if the Kettering quote needs to be in the essay or not; consult the instructions.

You need to vary your sentence structure more. You came off too dry and monotonous. You want a more fluid tone, more like conversational debate, not an academic paper.

I think the one big flaw in the essay is that in the middle paragraphs, you seem to start every paragraph with the actual point you're trying to make. This is probably the wrong approach. Instead, put that statement at the end of the paragraph, or in the second-to-last sentence, and use the other statements to build up to that, explaining the thought process. Then, remember to reiterate each of those main points in the final concluding paragraph.

You've made a good first attempt at an essay, but like someone learning to use a sword for the first time, you're swinging wildly at everything around you. Now you must learn the hone your movements, each one with a specific purpose in mind.

06-06-2009, 11:32 PM	#33
Alphapheemail .a ribbon around a bomb. Posts: 639 Karma: 4334 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: sigh... ny Device: PRS700	GRE ESSAY #1 Topic: “As Charles F. Kettering said, “The price of progress is trouble.”” Method: Present your perspective on an issue. [tab]Society is a living entity that interacts with its environment like any organism. Evolution ensures that species have to adapt to the ever changing environment. Variation comes with specialization and this always leads to more complexity. Therefore, like any object that is highly complex and specialized; there will be corresponding idiosyncratic issues. However, without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far and for a society that could lead to stagnation. A society comes together to resolve the new set of issues that comes with an advancement. This promotes further development of improvements; thus allowing progress as a whole and revealing a new set of issues to tackle. [tab]The living and breathing organism that is society changes according to the needs of the individuals participating in it. Humans and all organisms evolve to meet the new needs of the environment. This environment is inclusive of the physical ecosystem and the interactions within it. Since the majority of the interactions are with the latter; the process becomes a positive feedback mechanism. This process will enforce all individuals participating in it to evolve or the individual will be forced to participate in the sidelines. This can be readily seen with the development of computers that led to the conception of the Internet. This created two forms of individuals; the ones who had a handle on the new advances and the ones who did not. [tab]The variation of society is closely tied to the animalistic needs of it. Once the individual’s basic needs, nutrition and shelter, are compromised; the individual will choose to adhere to the new changes in order to ensure its welfare. This is also forces the individual to be accepting of all the associated problems that might come with the new adaptation. The computer was developed to facilitate mathematical computations. The acceptance of this new invention brought about a multitude of societal problems and will be the cause of many more to come in the future. When the computer started being used as a tactical weapon, other countries had no choice but to embrace it and use it as well. This included the need for computer developers, which led to the need of a higher standard in education for generations to come so they know how to handle the new advances. [tab]The new advances in society are accumulated and passed on to the following generation; allowing them to handle the current situation accordingly. These advances are conceived to solve current problems in the life of the individual and if the solution is beneficial, it will be dissipated amongst all members of the species. If this did not occur, not only will there be no more advances; but there will be repetition of livelihoods among generations. This also incubates a society incapable of change and individual thought. When an organism is inflexible it is the most vulnerable to suffer at the hands of a single major environmental change. [tab]An organism accepts change in order to benefit its livelihood, the issues associated with this change further stimulates the organism to adapt. The next generations will be aware of the improvements and benefit from them without having to endure plight of the previously rudimentary lifestyle. They in turn will tackle the current issues thus ensuring that the next generation will not have to face the same concerns. When the computer was developed there were only a handful of individuals who knew the internal workings of it. As the next generation came into maturity it benefited from the knowledge of concept of computational science and concentrated on improving the technology. This information was disseminated to society as a whole and they came to accept it once the computers became essential part in the interactions of society. [tab]Progress is embedded in the blueprint of life. Life that is inflexible to the changes provided by its environment has very little chance to survive and reproduce. It is those organisms that are able to change and pass along the new information that ensure the survival of the species. Progress can be seen as a stimulant rather than an obstruction to society. The new generations will always have very difficult problems to confront, but it will not have to go back and reassess the problems that generations prior have already tackled and solved efficiently. This positive feedback of developments and its new problems ensures that society progresses at a steady pace and that it does not become repetitive. Last edited by Alphapheemail; 06-06-2009 at 11:43 PM.

06-07-2009, 12:29 AM	#39
wayspooled Crab In The Dark Posts: 486 Karma: 2328180 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Virginia Device: Tablet PC until a 10" comes out that I like	I guess what I was saying was that it doesn't read as well with every sentence having the approximate same structure. If you prefer not to have the probably too large sentence in the middle like I first suggested, and I don't blame ya - I'm no writer - you might try restructuring your last compound sentence like this. Instead of "Without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far; for a society that could lead to stagnation." You might try "An organism's evolution can only go so far without complexity and for a society, that could lead to stagnation." Or something like that. Whereever that pesky comma is supposed to go. I always have trouble with those, heh, told ya I'm no writer Last edited by wayspooled; 06-07-2009 at 03:28 PM.

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06-06-2009, 06:12 PM	#31
Lemurion eReader Posts: 2,750 Karma: 4968470 Join Date: Aug 2007 Device: Note 5; PW3; Nook HD+; ChuWi Hi12; iPad	My essay technique is to divide it into three sections: Tell them what you're going to say. Say it. Tell them what you said. Introduction, body, conclusion.

06-06-2009, 07:14 PM	#32
cjcherryh Member Posts: 19 Karma: 108 Join Date: May 2009 Device: computer	Also---if proving a thesis, offer 3 proofs for each claim: only one is happenstance...twice is coincidence...three times is proof, and four is boring. That is, at least, the way I learned it too long ago.

06-06-2009, 11:38 PM	#34
Alphapheemail .a ribbon around a bomb. Posts: 639 Karma: 4334 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: sigh... ny Device: PRS700	:: phew:: This took me about 90 minutes to complete, from outline to editing. I have to work on that since I only have 45 minutes. I did my best to apply all of the tips from all members and the books i obtained. I would highly appreciate if you could tell me what I have done particularly well as well as the things I didn't since I might not be realizing that I am doing XYZ right. This way I can concentrate on my weakness. I am already extremely grateful to all members that have taken the time out of their day to help me. =D

06-07-2009, 12:00 AM	#36
wayspooled Crab In The Dark Posts: 486 Karma: 2328180 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Virginia Device: Tablet PC until a 10" comes out that I like	Howdy Okay, writing is not my thing really but I have one suggestion for readability... Those couple of sentences you have which begin with "However" and "Therefore" - those are words that are not needed in those sentences. Usually they're used in the middle of a compound sentence to tie things together. That's about the only contribution I can make. If you were adding those words as a sort of prefix to keep all the sentences from being about the same length, you might take a look at just tieing a couple of the shorter sentences together.

06-07-2009, 12:05 AM	#37
wayspooled Crab In The Dark Posts: 486 Karma: 2328180 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Virginia Device: Tablet PC until a 10" comes out that I like	The exact thing I'm talking about and I can't really describe it would be illustrated like this. "Variation comes with specialization and this always leads to more complexity. Like any object that is highly complex and specialized there will be corresponding idiosyncratic issues, however without complexity an organism’s evolution can only go so far. For a society that could lead to stagnation."

06-08-2009, 01:17 AM	#42
wayspooled Crab In The Dark Posts: 486 Karma: 2328180 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Virginia Device: Tablet PC until a 10" comes out that I like	Thanks for the karma Just noticed, hehe.. Glad to have helped.

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