I Burn Today - by PJ Lyon (short) FEEDBOOKS

[Moejoe]

My latest short story to go up on Feedbooks.



http://www.feedbooks.com/userbook/5918

[dreams]

Originally Posted by Moejoe

Hope you enjoy.

I loved it! It was a story that drew me in and made me forget that I read the whole thing on my laptop before I could send to my reader.

I especially loved the below quoted section.

For he had lived and loved and he'd seen the
past and the future. And for those glorious
moments, when the world as it was had faded
away to nothing but the steady rain of his fingers
upon the shimmering waters of a tablet,
he had truly known what it was to be alive.

I had posted on your thread with the 'Short Story Opening' before I noticed this thread. So.. here it is in the correct place [couple of places for correction in story noticed]

[Moejoe]

Originally Posted by dreams

I loved it! It was a story that drew me in and made me forget that I read the whole thing on my laptop before I could send to my reader.

I especially loved the below quoted section.


I had posted on your thread with the 'Short Story Opening' before I noticed this thread. So.. here it is in the correct place [couple of places for correction in story noticed]

Let me know what needs correcting. I only finished this off at around 7am this morning (UK) and my eyes are still a little blurry

Well there are a couple of glaring spelling errors. That'll teach me to turn off the squiggly red underline mjigger

[dreams]

Originally Posted by Moejoe

Let me know what needs correcting. I only finished this off at around 7am this morning (UK) and my eyes are still a little blurry

I wasn't doing an edit read, just noted a couple of places where I was pulled out of the story.

[Between the 1st and 2nd charges.]

Shall we move on to the second charge?'

'There's more? Isn't that enough? [here I thought it should have been a "?" used as it seemed to match his conversational pace and the missing question mark made me go back to reread the sentence]

'On the second count of treason and incitement to rebellion, you are hereby found guilty. You will, at a time of the our choosing, [remove "the"]

I didn't keep notes as I was pulled into the story and only really noticed the places where it pulled me out.

[Moejoe]

Originally Posted by dreams

I wasn't doing an edit read, just noted a couple of places where I was pulled out of the story.

[Between the 1st and 2nd charges.]

Shall we move on to the second charge?'

'There's more? Isn't that enough? [here I thought it should have been a "?" used as it seemed to match his conversational pace and the missing question mark made me go back to reread the sentence]

'On the second count of treason and incitement to rebellion, you are hereby found guilty. You will, at a time of the our choosing, [remove "the"]

I didn't keep notes as I was pulled into the story and only really noticed the places where it pulled me out.

Thanks for the suggestions Will correct immediately.

UPDATED: Corrections made. Much thanks to dreams for spotting them

[Moejoe]

re-uploaded to Feedbooks with new cover

[Moe The Cat]

Moejoe, there are several places where the opening quotation mark has a following space before the first word. For example, the first sentence states:

“ You have been sanctioned ...

There's an extra space between the opening quotation mark and the "Y".

There are also extra spaces in front of a few commas and periods. For example, in the paragraph beginning “ The offending texts in question are ...

Also, I may have missed something, but why is the entire store included twice? I tried to compare the two stories, to see if there were any differences, but I can't find any. Is that just a typo? Is the second iteration the story written by Alfred J. Kurtz?

All that being said, I like the story very much. Thanks!

[zelda_pinwheel]

good god, how did i miss this ?


(actually, never mind, i know how : i was working. but still ! you should have come and gotten me !!)

thank you moejoe ! downloading right now.

[Moe The Cat]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

good god, how did i miss this ?

You should always check MR for new posts before, during, after and in between meals and while sleeping (waking up to do this is encouraged, but not necessary).

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by Moe The Cat

You should always check MR for new posts before, during, after and in between meals and while sleeping (waking up to do this is encouraged, but not necessary).

believe it or not, i already do that. (maybe i should try waking up for the sleeping hours ? )

[Moe The Cat]

Maybe the title, I Burn Today, frightened you and you supressed all memory of having read this thread.

[Moejoe]

Originally Posted by Moe The Cat

Moejoe, there are several places where the opening quotation mark has a following space before the first word. For example, the first sentence states:



There's an extra space between the opening quotation mark and the "Y".

There are also extra spaces in front of a few commas and periods. For example, in the paragraph beginning “ The offending texts in question are ...

Also, I may have missed something, but why is the entire store included twice? I tried to compare the two stories, to see if there were any differences, but I can't find any. Is that just a typo? Is the second iteration the story written by Alfred J. Kurtz?

All that being said, I like the story very much. Thanks!

That's very very odd... I never noticed that when I uploaded and checked the file....? I'm checking now so I'll let you know what's happening

EDIT: Argghhh you're right!! It's a friggin mess. How the hell did that happen? The text is duplicated and spaces have been inserted before most of the punctuation.

[Moejoe]

Well that was extremely frustrating. It's fixed now, but there's something majorly wrong with Feedbooks I fear. Every time I tried to center an element the whole text block shifted. It lost all italics on pasting into the web form. Tried on Chrome, Firefox, the only one that it worked properly with was....*drum roll*....Internet Explorer 8!!! How is that feasible? In any case, it's fixed now, but I'm going to take a look at everything else I've uploaded just in case.

[Moe The Cat]

Thanks for the fix, Moe. I haven't found any similar issues with any of your other books. Have you reported this to Hadrien?

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by Moe The Cat

Maybe the title, I Burn Today, frightened you and you supressed all memory of having read this thread.

hm. that is a possibility, now that you mention it. i wonder how many times i might have forgotten it / rediscovered it ???

moejoe, i agree with moe (wow, that's a bit confusing !), you should definitely alert hadrien to this odd behaviour, that sounds like a bug to me.