The Case of The Golden Coprolite

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

i suppose it really depends on the circumstances.

Meaning that perhaps you or I (or any of our female members) might be more willing to frisk a Scotsman, than the guys would be?!?

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

It depends on how good looking the Scotsman is, to be honest. Good looking, with a nice turn of leg, then... if it was called for, I probably would be willing...

[Greg Anos]

I gave the long distance dung a gander and said, "Maybe."
"You don't believe me? Go take a closer look."
"Now, Ralph, you're probably got that thing booby-trapped 6 ways from Sunday. I think I'll just gaze at it from here, Thank y'all anyways."
"Of course it's not. 97 ways from Sunday might be more accurate. And I'm the only one who knows how to deactivate them all."
"Sounds like you hold all the Aces, Ralph. Why don't you at least come out and say 'Hi' before you bump us off?"
VR started peeing on the floor again. I didn't know he had any left in him.
"You might try some trick, Red."
"Well, true, but then again you always said a German Sheperd was worth any three men in a rough and tumble. Tell you what, I'll back up against the door. Your human, whom I made a point of not bumping off, is just outside. He'll hit that door on your command and knock me sprawling before I could do anything, anyways."
Long silence.
"Ok, back up against the door slowly."
I did so, putting my hands behind I managed to slip my right hand in my back pocket and slipped out a dozen pennies, which I had in both back pockets. I reached the door.
"Good enough, Ralph?"
I heard a soft bark, and a door opened near the doorway to the display. A German Shepard walked in, and looked at VR standing in a puddle of pee. He walked to the center of the room.
"Can't you afford a better dog than that?"
"Ralph, you know what honest PI's get paid. He's all I can afford. Even then, I have'ta juggle the books occasionally."
I glanced at VR, His ears were back, flat as he could get 'em.
"Ralph, what is this really all about?"
He looked at me. "Milking a billion out of rich old women isn't motive enough for you, Red."
"No it's not. Ralph, you're smart enough to milk a billion or two out of the system without litterin' the landscape with bodies. Look at the money you're already made with all the book deals and such. So what's the real burr under your saddle."
"Why should I tell you."
"Think of it as a dyin' man's last request. We were pards once, remember. Beside's, you've got everything planned down to the last detail, anyway."
"Yeah." An evil light semmed to gleam in his eyes.
"Honest PI. Honest and dumb. Typical smooth ape. Good hands and no brains. But like any ape, you cheat when you can. But Pinwheel picked the wrong dog to cheat. And you're all paying the price for cheating me."
While he was talking, my body shielded my right hand. Which was busy pennying the door. Win, lose or draw, this was gonna be over in a couple of minutes. And there wasn't gonna be any draw.
"Cheat?" I said (and was) puzzled, "How did you get cheated. You got the prize you asked for."
"PRIZE!" he screamed, "YOU CALL THAT A PRIZE? SHE WAS FIXED!!!"
That's when VR charged him from the rear three-quarted angle. I charged straight for the .22.
Ralph von Wau Wau started to turn to meet VR and saw me move as his forequarters turned. He knew if I could get the gun, it was curtains for him. He tried to shift back to me and slipped. He got onto his feet, starting to charge me, when VR hit him, following the three rules of dirty fighting.
The howl could'da been heard all the way to Melbourne. My hand grabbed the butt of the .22. I brought the gun in line as Ralph turned howling to try to get at VR. Phut, Phut, Phut, went the .22. Three through the the pump. Ralph started gushing blood.
I continued my roll and brought the gun to bear at the door. The first bang held, but the second one didn't. GeoffC came in with a Glock in hand, but my .22 was already zeroed on him.
"DROP IT. DROP IT. You'll never get it on target before you take one through the pump!"
He froze just long enough for him to lose the initiative. He knew I had the drop on him, so he dropped the gun.
"Now kick it over to the corner."
He did.
Now go over to the other corner and strip.
"Strip?"
"Right, strip! To the buff! I'm not takin' any chances on a holdout!"
He started slinging clothes. When he was naked, I said. "Turn around slow."
When it was obvious the only weapons he had left were the ones nature had equipped him with, I said, "Now go stand in the far corner."
He promptly did. Only then, did I look at VR.
VR was a blood splattered mess. "You Ok, VR?"
"Sure, Red. It's all Ralph's blood. You're bl--dy quick with that gun."
"Complaints, still?"
"No, thanks still."
Yep, Ralph had had everthing figgered. Everything except a smart Doggie, chewing his cojones off.
I called BadGoodDeb. "Have the Ambassador call his opposite number pronto. We've taken care of Ralph, but we don't have the Dinosaur Dropping yet, and I don't want this to turn into a Fort Apache."
"Are you and VR OK?"
"Sure, although I'm afraid this adventure left a bad taste in VR's mouth. And have the Ambassador have the Aussies to bring some metal detectors."
"OK, Boss. The Ambassador is already talking to the Aussie equivalent of our Secretary of State now."
I went and did a one-handed search of GeoffC's clothes. They were clean. I pitched him a handful. "Go ahead and get presentable. It looks like you're going to have to find a new gig."
"I guess it'll be behind bars."
"Not necessarily. Ralph's checks are now rubber, so if you help us find and sort out the process notes and the samples, we can get you out of here under diplomatic immunity, as a Pinwheel spy. You'll be kicked out of the country, but that beats jail."
"It certainly does. I'm your man."
"Ok VR?"
"Sure, Red. We do need his help."
GeoffC goggled. "He talks too?'
"Yep, usually too much." I reached over and scratched him behind his ears.

[zelda_pinwheel]

wow !!! that went a bit smoother than i expected. i was worried when things started to heat up. and vr with all that blood on him, i got a cold shiver down my back. it's a good thing it was all ralph's.

just a question : what does it mean "pennying the door" ?

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

wow !!! that went a bit smoother than i expected. i was worried when things started to heat up. and vr with all that blood on him, i got a cold shiver down my back. it's a good thing it was all ralph's.

just a question : what does it mean "pennying the door" ?

A trick from my misspent youth. A door fits into a door frame. If you jamb cents, or other slim coins in a stack between the door and the frame, you can form a tension fit that hold the door in place. if you are on the other side of the door, it just won't open. You have to hit the door hard enough to knock the coins out to get it to open. On the other side, they can be popped out easily... I won't go into the evil uses teenagers can find for this trick...

[zelda_pinwheel]

aha, thanks ! (you're a bad influence, i can just tell.)

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

aha, thanks ! (you're a bad influence, i can just tell.)

Me??? I'm just a shy and innocent lad...

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Me??? I'm just a shy and innocent lad...

of course you are.

[Slite]

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

It depends on how good looking the Scotsman is, to be honest. Good looking, with a nice turn of leg, then... if it was called for, I probably would be willing...

You mean, something like this perhaps?

[Greg Anos]

GeoffC led me to the research office, where all the papers were, and a half a dozen pre-production samples of fake coprolite, weighing about kilo each. I pocketed three of them for later analysis by Pinwheel. Ralph was offically "still in conference", undoubtably discussing with Old Nick his accomadations and pecking order. I called BadGoodDeb to come in with one of the pouches while I was waiting for the bureaucrats to show up. She gathered up the shootin' irons and the three coprolites and headed out.
"Remember Deb, I don't want any of these coprolites to sprout legs. I'll see about gettin' you something made after this mess is over, but 'til then, hands off."
"You're no fun." And she stuck out her tongue. "You're sure you want to meet all those soldiers naked?"
"Yep. If I have any hardware, it'll just make 'em trigger happy. I'll have to talk 'em down, anyway."
"Good luck, Boss."
"Now git, before they get around to showin' up."

It took the wheels of injustice about 4 hours to arrive at the front door. Not bad for 12 levels of three different bureaucracies. About 5 PM 6 truckload of soldiers showed up, accompanied by a SWAT team (apparently from Perth), led by a senior asistant flunky from the Austrailian diplomatic corp, assisted by an Army Major. I'll bet the receptionist had a good time with her "Welcome to Montsnmags" rountine.
The brass made to the room where Ralph was "in conference".
A loud voice yelled, "Come out with your hands up!"
I responded. "We don't all have hands in here."
That seemed to be a poser.
"Besided, this here is the temporary portable ice cream stand/embassy for the nation of Pinwheel. We're accepting fully credentialed diplomatic personnel, and we'll even stretch a point and tolerate a few military personnel as guards. IS THERE A DIPLOMAT IN THE HOUSE?"
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
"Please identify yourself," I said.
"I am Fredrick Jones, Assistant Permanent Undersecretary for the Nation of Pinwheel. May I enter the Embassy?"
"Come in if you're friendly. The door's not locked."
Fred came in with the Army Major and what I took to be the head of the SWAT team. He sorta turn green with Ralph's body lyin' there in the middle of the floor.
"Fred, can you have the SWAT boys bring in a bag for Ralph?" I looked at the other two. "Don't worry, the shootin, all over. But Pinwheel will need your assistance in a little while."
The SWAT head started talking softly on his phone.
When he got done. I started talking.
"Guys, everythin' going on here is a state secret for both nations. Or what you military types call Highly Classified. If you can't or won't keep your mouth shut, please leave now. Fred here is the decision maker as to who talks and how much. Roger?"
Fred nodded and look at his companions. "Despite his uncouth manner of speech." Uncouth indeed. He'll pay for that crack! "Sir Sir Ralph Sir Edward is correct. This is involving the highest level Diplomatic relations between countries. Everything that has happened, and will happen, will offically never have occurred. Do I make myself clear?"
The Army major and the SWAT chief agreed, but the SWAT chief didn't look too happy about it. Fred said, "I'll personally talk to your mayor and Chief of Police." That seemed to perk him right up.
The body bag showed up with a couple of people and they bagged up Ralph.
"Adios, compadre." I said softly. "May the Lord have mercy on your soul."
After they left, I pointed to the Golden Coprolite on the stand, in the other room. "That's what the hoorah is all about."
Fred kinda googled. "That's the Golden Coprolite! What's it doing here?"
"The late doggie y'all just hauled out of here had it stolen. Don't go over there, it's highly booby-trapped."
"How do you know?" said the SWAT chief.
"I have the late doggie's word on it. I wouldn't want to bet against it. Besides, I think it's a fake."
Fred said, "You can tell at this distance?"
"Well, I knew the doggie, and it would be just like him to booby-trap a fake. Ralph had a sense of humor." I looked at the other two. "Yes, the deceased was the famous talking dog, Ralph von Wau Wau. The whole deal was about making and marketing fake golden coprolite as the Real McCoy. Let's go over to the research office, where there are samples and all the workin' notes."
They looked over the notes and the samples. "Fred," I said,"why don't you place some guards over this stuff, until you can move it to a safer place. Besides, Pinwheel and Australia need to sort out what to do about the process. And that's beyond both our pay grades."
Fred nodded. "You're right." And had the major put some soldiers around the room.
"Where do you think the real Coprolite is?" Fred asked.
"Where do doggies bury their bones? In the back yard, of course. That's why I asked for metal detectors. I need to have the couple of hundred meters behind this building swept for big metal masses. Check for location and type of metal. But don't, repeat don't, dig up anything without my say-so. I expect some more booby traps. Now Fred, I need to give VR here a bath, and we both need a bite to eat and some sleep. We're gonna go back to the embassy's 18 wheeler and rack out. See ya in the mornin'. Come on, VR."
The next mornin' we all showed up, and the major had a chart of big masses. 6 showed iron, 3 showed gold, and one was aluminum.
"Yeah, the mine sweeper was certain it was a beer keg." the Army major said.
"Well, the beer keg's got to be it."
"How do you figure that."
"The hide-out had to be easily identified by the crook, with minimal time and minimal equipment. But at the same time, not obviously what somebody would think of as the loot. A beer keg would be perfect. Big enough for the golden coprolite, and a survival kit, and who would suspect a old beer keg?"
So they dug up the beer keg, which had a harness and skids on it. I did the honors of opening it. It didn't go bang.
And inside it was the Golden Coprolite, and a survival kit.

"Fred," I said, as I turn to the diplomat and bowed, "This is the rightful property of the Kingdom of Pinwheel. I am now taking it, as personal agent of Her Majesty, Queen of Pinwheel, to return it to it's rightful owner. On behalf of the Commonwealth of Australia, do you object?"
Fred bowed just as formally, "On Behalf of the Commonwealth of Australia, I recognize your claim and approve your taking the Golden Coprolite for return to the Kingdom of Pinwheel, the rightful owner."
"All right BadGoodDeb, call Pshrynk to warm up the jet, we're goin' back to Pinwheel."

And we did.

[Greg Anos]

I met the Queen in a private room, with VR along with me. I carefully opened the bag, and handed the Queen the Golden Corpolite.
"I have returned what is rightfully yours, Your Majesty."
She slowly turned it over and over in her hands.
Finally she said, "Yes, this is the real Golden Corpolite. There are certain unique markers that I don't think Ralph van Wau Wau would have thought to forge."
"Which ones?" asked VR. I gave him a quick nudge with my shoe.
She looked down. "Those are only to be known by the royalty of Pinwheel."
She then looked at me. "Both of you have acquitted yourselves well in My Service on behalf of Pinwheel. How shall I reward you?"
"I like the term acquitted, Your Majesty. It describes the matter very well. I never could figger out why he was out to get both Your Majesty and myself. Oh, he wanted the money, no doubt, but there was more that money behind this. What could have caused the simmering rage behind this whole crime. There were easier ways to have gotten the Golden Coprolite back, but I had to know why.
Well, right there at the end, he told me. The gift of the female French Poodle you had given him, at his request, had been spayed. I had gotten a Knighthood and a medal, and he had been cheated, as he saw it. A being with his brains and ego just couldn't tolerate being cheated. He was going to get his back, with interest.
But who cheated him? I had nothing to do with it, and I know Your Majesty would not have...ahem... short changed him with Her gift. So who? It had to be somebody who had a reason and opportunity to cheat Ralph. Somebody who acted as a go-between Your Wishes and Ralph's reward. Somebody who was jealose of Ralph's claim to Your affections. I called Your Senschal about who actually picked the Poodle in question."
I looked down at the shivering little doggie. "Better cop a plea, VR."
"Is this true?"
"Yes, Your Majesty," said VR in a broken voice. "I, I wanted to be your favorite dog. I couldn't compete with that smart, handsome, hero dog. I, I just wanted to get back at him, somehow. I never thought it would lead to this. That's why I took the intellegence assignment in the US. I was afraid I'd be found out. All I wanted was to sit in your lap and be scratched behind my ears. Now, I'm facing the gas chamber for treason."
He broke down.
"What would you have me do, Sir Sir Ralph Sir Edward?'
"Pardon him, Your Majesty. He acquitted himself in battle, without his courage I wouldn't be here, and the Kingdom would have lost it's wereguild. Let this be a State Secret."
The Queen thought. "No, I cannot have such a State Secret. Let it be part of your record. However. Rise, VivaldiRules. We have been touched by your courage and devotion. You are pardoned of your crime. Furthermore, you are now required to journey once a year, as long as you are able to travel, to spend one week a year as my personal companion, complete with scratching."
VR flattened to his belly. (His equivalent of kneeling.)
"Arise, VivaldiRules. And now please leave Us with Sir Sir Ralph Sir Edward."
After VR had left the chamber and I closed the door.
"D--nit, Red, why won't you say yes?"
"Zelda, I can't be anybody's fancy man, not even yours."
"Pfff, it's not hard. Just look down you nose at the snobs, and be friendly with everybody else."
"I won't be your Prince Consort."
"You won't even come see me unless there's a crisis. Then you get to have all the fun. And I have to pay for it! It's just not fair! This time you'll pay for your fun. To get your money, you'll have to write up this case for ME. No case notes, no money." She grinned wickedly.
Great. More paperwork. I hate paperwork.
"What about the fake coprolite?" Two could play the change subject game.
"Keep one of the nodules for yourself, since you refuse to be co-operative. I already started quiet government-to-government talks with Austrailia, about commercializing the process. I hope to sell them as authorized reproductions in limited quanities, with a 50/50 split to each government. We'll see. Governments alway need money. To pay for beasts like you."
That was probably the best way the cards could be played now.
"I hear you still have several rounds left in that silencered .22 of yours."
"And if I do?"
"I have a very private target range near here. Maybe we could practice some ... marksmanship."
"I think I could spend some time here. We could go to the range, and squeezed off a few rounds..."
"You're sure you're up to it?"
"I'm alway in the Service of Her Majesty...."


EPILOG

After I finally got back from Pinwheel. I tacked BadGoodDeb's postcard on the bulletin on the waiting room and sent Mindy on her 2 week vacation to the Big Island. I used the time to have a pendant carved out of the fake coprolite nodule.
I greeted Mindy when she came back in. "Enjoy your vacation, Mindy?"
"About time I got some fringe benefits working here." she said, as Mrs. Slocum head-bumped her.
"Speakin' of fringe benefits, there's a box on your desk. a memento of the case. I've got a private conference call, so if you'll take over the show, I'll get to it."
I went into my office. And slid straight out the window and down the fire escape. I figger I have about 35 seconds to get around the corner, before she opens the box and comes stormin' into my office and looks out the window, ready to fry me.
It's a fine piece of carving. Real pretty. 'Course, it's carved in the shape of a fire hydrant...

[Slite]

:standing ovation:

That RSE was absolutely fabulous! Definitely needs to be compiled into a book!

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by Slite

:standing ovation:

That RSE was absolutely fabulous! Definitely needs to be compiled into a book!

I've got to do the concordance first. I will provide an RTF file in the upload files of the cleaned up text for people to convert as they see fit. But give me a few days. It's been a slog.

[zelda_pinwheel]

:standing ovation too:

definitely worth the wait !!! brilliant story sir sir !! bravo !!

i can't wait to read it again with all the notes...

[Patricia]

That was a very impressive story. Thanks, RSE.