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Old 02-02-2016, 06:14 PM   #9016
alansplace
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:24 AM   #9017
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A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Old 02-03-2016, 10:39 AM   #9018
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Old 02-03-2016, 05:51 PM   #9019
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Is that a sandwich?
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People are making end-of-the-world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
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Old 02-04-2016, 05:38 AM   #9020
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All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, and you were born in July."
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Old 02-04-2016, 09:51 PM   #9021
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I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.
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Old 02-04-2016, 10:39 PM   #9022
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Originally Posted by wodin View Post
We also have separate names for my cat, I call her "Kitty Girl" but I can't say what she calls her on a family oriented forum.
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Old 02-04-2016, 10:43 PM   #9023
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Did you hear about the scientist who did some experiments in cloning? He ended up arguing with himself.
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Old 02-05-2016, 02:03 AM   #9024
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While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
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Old 02-05-2016, 07:48 PM   #9025
alansplace
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Old 02-05-2016, 08:22 PM   #9026
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Surfin the alpha waves ~~
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You'll need to click over to GoComics to view this, but I laughed.

http://www.gocomics.com/speedbump/2016/02/05
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Old 02-05-2016, 08:50 PM   #9027
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Daffynitions ~

1. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

2. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

3. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage,

4. Burglarize: What a crook sees with,

5. Control: A short, ugly inmate.

6. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

8. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

10. Left Bank : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

11. Misty: How golfers create divots.

12. Paradox: Two physicians

13. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

15. Polarize: What penguins see with.

16. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. Relief: What trees do in the spring.

18. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

19. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

20. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

21. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.

22. Subdued: like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man!
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Old 02-06-2016, 12:05 AM   #9028
alansplace
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Old 02-06-2016, 01:53 AM   #9029
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
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Old 02-06-2016, 03:39 AM   #9030
drjd
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

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