I'm looking for beta readers for an outlaw biker / alien invasion story

[mr ploppy]

I’m looking for beta readers for this. There’s a few paragraphs from the beginning at the end of this post, so you’ll know what you’re letting yourself in for. I need to do another read through first, but it should be ready to send out in about a week.

It’s 60,000 words, and I’ve restricted myself to mild swearing as a personal challenge (there's a bit in the sample so I've made it into a spoiler). I’m not looking for any praise, just what’s wrong with it, and won’t take anything you say personally. A working knowledge of the 1970s, guns, and motorcycles would be ideal, but anyone who reads action/adventure pulp would be useful.

Some help with this description would be useful too:

Biker Sluts versus Flying Saucers

An outlaw biker story set during the aftermath of an alien invasion in 1970s England.

1970: Aliens arrive on Earth. Seen as a force for good by world leaders and most of Earth’s population, they cure diseases, end all world hunger, and stabilise the environment.

1973: The great purge. 95% of the world’s population are wiped out overnight, leaving behind scattered pockets of survivors to eke out an existence scavenging for food in the ruins of towns and cities.

1978: The mamas and old ladies of Satan’s Bastards MC fight back.
This is their story.


Sample:

Spoiler:

1

Mia always got nervous before a supply run. She’d be daft not to, given the risks involved, but she knew it had to be done. If it was left up to the men they’d eat nothing but swans and rabbits, and sit around smoking dope all day. That was no way for Satan’s Bastards to live. They should be out on the road, roaming the country like they used to. Not rotting away in some nature reserve at the arse end of nowhere. So while Mia felt the usual jitters of apprehension, she felt something else too. A tingle of excitement at the prospect of getting back in the saddle and riding away from there. Even if it was only for a few hours.

She picked up the sawn-off shotgun lying beside her sleeping bag and inserted a cartridge in each of the twin barrels. You can’t be too careful out there, Fat Brenda always drilled into her. That was true, but shotguns were only useful for scaring off packs of wild dogs or as a quick way of getting through locked doors. Against the Angels they were no use at all. Nothing was.

With the shotgun loaded, Mia stuffed it into a backpack and looked around the jumble of possessions littering her tent to see if there was anything else she might need for the shopping trip. A six inch serrated knife with an ivory handle and a box of spare shotgun cartridges went into the breast pockets of her leather jacket. She picked up a torch, checked it still worked, and tossed it into the bag with the shotgun. After another quick look around, she slung the bag over one shoulder and stepped out of the tent into the gathering dusk.

Wicked Tina, Suzy and Margot were waiting for her. Mia looked beyond them to the lake at the far end of the campsite, expecting to see Fat Brenda among the group of men and women watching Bonehead try to light the fire for the night. They jeered as he threw match after match at the petrol-soaked damp branches piled up like a skeletal tepee by the side of the lake. He struck another match and threw it. It blew out before it landed on target.

“You need to get a bit closer,” Tanner said, “hold it next to the wood when you strike it, then it won’t go out before it takes hold.”

“Yeah right,” Bonehead said, “and lose me beard and eyebrows again. Nah, you’re all right, I’ll do it me own way.”

Bonehead struck a match and held it to the remaining matches in the box until they flared up, then tossed the flaming box at the base of the woodpile. The petrol ignited with a loud whump, and crackling flames shot up the vertical branches. Everyone cheered. Bonehead turned to Tanner and grinned smugly.

“Yeah, well done, Bonehead,” Tanner said. He shook his head, but he was smiling at the same time. “Good idea, waste a whole box of matches when one would have been enough.”

Bonehead shrugged. “Got the job done, didn’t it? Besides, it’s shopping day, innit? Just add more matches to the list of shit we need.”

Tanner leaned into the flames and lit a huge joint before sitting cross-legged near the fire to smoke it. Bonehead pressed play on his cassette player and a Hawkwind song he had recorded from John Peel’s radio show blared out.

“Where’s FB?” Mia asked, after determining Fat Brenda wasn’t part of the group by the fire.

Suzy pointed at the row of tents lining one side of the clearing. “I saw her going into her tent a while ago.”

Mia nodded. “Right. I’ll go tell her it’s time to go.”

“Rather you than me, honey,” Wicked Tina said, grinning.

“Why’s that?” Mia asked.

“You’ll see,” Suzy said.

Mia walked over to the tent Fat Brenda shared with Dirk. Like the other tents, the outside of the green canvas was daubed with white spray-painted slogans – Satan’s Bastards, Scum, ACAB, Born to Ride – as well as crooked swastikas and upside-down crosses. She opened up the flap and looked inside. Fat Brenda was on her hands and knees on the worn grass floor, leather trousers around her ankles, while Dirk thrust into her from behind. Rolls of fat rippled with every thrust, like a jelly being smacked with a jack-hammer.

“Christ, FB, you’ve had all day to do that. Hurry it up, yeah? We’re all waiting for you, it’s time to go.”

Dirk turned his head and grinned at Mia while he continued pounding into Fat Brenda. “Give us another few minutes or so, yeah? Then she’s all yours.” He slapped Fat Brenda on the arse with the palm of his hand and made her cry out.

Mia sighed and let the tent flap drop. Wicked Tina, Suzy and Margot burst out laughing. Mia shook her head as she walked back to join them.

“FB might be a while yet, let’s go and wait by the fire.”

They joined the other bikers by the side of the lake. A few more joints were doing the rounds, and Wicked Tina took a toke on one before she asked what everyone wanted them to look out for. Most wanted booze and smokes, predictably enough. Tanner wanted some new books, said he’d read all the ones they’d got him last time. Basher wanted chicken soup. Skinny Brenda caused a groan from the men and a torrent of insults when she asked for sanitary pads. Even some of the women joined in with the taunts.

Bonehead held up his joint and offered it to Mia. She raised both hands and shook her head. “Nah, I want to keep a clear head for the ride. Save me some for later though, yeah?”

“I’ve got a big stash in me tent, we’ll share it when you get back,” Bonehead said, nodding vigorously. “Can you get me some more batteries while you’re out?”

Mia smiled. “Yeah, no worries man.” Bonehead was always the easiest to please. As long as he had juice for his cassette player and an endless supply of dope to smoke he was as happy as a pig making its first arrest.

“And don’t forget the pizza,” Basher said with a grin. Everyone laughed.

[crich70]

Looks interesting Mr.Ploppy. Rod Serling used a similar set up for one of his episodes of Twilight Zone. "To Serve Man" was the title.

Spoiler:

Of course man was on the aliens menu in that one

It would be interesting to see what your premise for the aliens helping out initially is. i.e. why they do all the good things before they start their invasion.

[cromag]

Originally Posted by crich70

Looks interesting Mr.Ploppy. Rod Serling used a similar set up for one of his episodes of Twilight Zone. "To Serve Man" was the title.

Spoiler:

Of course man was on the aliens menu in that one

It would be interesting to see what your premise for the aliens helping out initially is. i.e. why they do all the good things before they start their invasion.

Adapted from Damon Knight's story. Both were well done!

[mr ploppy]

Was that the one where they found a recipe book at the end? Or I might be getting mixed up with The Simpsons.

[davidfor]

Originally Posted by mr ploppy

Was that the one where they found a recipe book at the end?

I haven't seen the episode, but I have read the shorts story. And, yes.

Or I might be getting mixed up with The Simpsons.

I remembered seeing this but my son tells me it was in a Treehouse of Horrors episode.

[crich70]

Originally Posted by mr ploppy

Was that the one where they found a recipe book at the end? Or I might be getting mixed up with The Simpsons.

There was an episode of the Simpsons where they met aliens and a book was involved but it had their usual twist to the tale.

[Karbargenbok]

Interesting... I'd like to beta read it. I'm a writer myself -- worked as a copywriter for more than thirty years, and my own first novel is about to be published (in Dutch, I fear; I'm from Holland).

One small comment: ïn the above fragment, "Tanner" appears to be a main character. Roger Zelazny's novel "Damnation Alley", also an SF-novel about outlaw biking, features a protagonist called "Hell Tanner".
Did you choose the name for that reason? If not, perhaps you'd want to change it.

[mr ploppy]

Originally Posted by Karbargenbok

Interesting... I'd like to beta read it. I'm a writer myself -- worked as a copywriter for more than thirty years, and my own first novel is about to be published (in Dutch, I fear; I'm from Holland).

One small comment: ïn the above fragment, "Tanner" appears to be a main character. Roger Zelazny's novel "Damnation Alley", also an SF-novel about outlaw biking, features a protagonist called "Hell Tanner".
Did you choose the name for that reason? If not, perhaps you'd want to change it.

That might have been a subconscious influence, in the same way Fat Brenda turned out to be a character in something else.

[crich70]

The freebee from Wildside this week is an alien invasion story. Odd coincidence.

[mr ploppy]

Originally Posted by crich70

The freebee from Wildside this week is an alien invasion story. Odd coincidence.

Has it got biker sluts in it?

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by mr ploppy

Has it got biker sluts in it?