MobileRead Short Story Anthology - [DISCUSSION & REVIEW]

[mrmarlowe]

Sir Graham,

When My Father 'Died' - v.2-1 is up. Could you please read it one more time. I think the original ending was a little corny so I removed much of the stuff and ended with a question. Let me know if it works better? (well actually I 'copied' you somewhat, verbatim)

[arjaybe]

v1.1 is uploaded

This addresses most of the issues raised by Graham. And adds about 60 words.-)

Jim

[gmw]

I'm obviously not the only one that's found themselves busy on other things. I promise that I am coming back to catch up on reading the latest versions, but other commitments are currently taking priority.

[Katsunami]

Busy? That's an understatement. I even might fail my own reading challenge again. I've hardly read a page in the last two weeks.... Still, no rush. We have entire April to edit.

[arjaybe]

Patiently waiting for new versions.-)

[Graham]

I've had my brain buried in planning a novel for the last week. I did download the latest versions of Marlowe and Jim's stories earlier today, and will have a look soon.

Graham

[mrmarlowe]

Originally Posted by Katsunami

Busy? That's an understatement. I even might fail my own reading challenge again. I've hardly read a page in the last two weeks.... Still, no rush. We have entire April to edit.

Me too. Can't even find time to read my fav books. I can't apologize enough for failing to read any of the stories here (not that I would have anything to say over and above Sir Graham's comments, but still...)

On the plus side, I am on to writing a new piece.

[gmw]

Obviously determined not to give us a happy one.

It's very good, I think. More obvious than the previous, you hold the reader's hand more through this one - but I think that suits this story. The imagery is very good, and the pace feels right. While I thought I knew what was coming there was still a feeling of tension there waiting for it. Given the tone of the piece, the ending was not exactly what I expected.

A couple of things stuck out at me in the first few paragraphs, and I'll note them here. After that I was too busy reading to notice much in the of errors - which is a good thing.

Spoiler:

"the Norwegian fjords" - wondering if "the" is inappropriate here.

"pale grey eyes crinkled - the mix of colour and "crinkle" seems wrong (one speaks on the eye itself, the other of the skin around the eyes).

There's not a lot of critical comment here that might help with improvement ... largely because I think the story is already doing what you set out to achieve. I've said previously that such short works aren't what I most enjoy, but I do think this story is a good vignette.

Spoiler:

After writing the above I looked over Graham's comments (which were about the previous version). I can still see the shadows of some of those issues: I had to do a sort of double-take with Michael in the carseat, I half-expected Ricky to either jump in the water or collapse where she was. But overall it worked pretty well for me in this newer version.

[gmw]

My first reaction was: cute!

It has a nice feel to it all the way through. I'm not sure what I expected for the ending ... that wasn't it, but it fits very well. A good length for the story, and for the most part it stays far enough away from the technical to be easy reading.

As with your last one, I stumble a little over some of the punctuation, particularly early on, but not in a way that spoiled it for me. On a subsequent read I'll look for more specific items.

Spoiler:

I'm not suggesting a change here, just making a comment from the perspective of _science_ fiction (ie. a comment from someone that doesn't think things like Dr Who and the Star Trek spin offs are really science fiction - they're fantasy created to simulate science fiction). I like the idea of the dual nature Krub, ant-like when separated, individual when joined. But the size/count distinction doesn't seem to fit well with this dual nature - it should take more members to make that difference.

OTOH the distinction obviously isn't quite so marked as ant vs sentience - since the bumbling balls seem to have something more ... so maybe it works, and without making the story considerably longer you're not really going to be able to give us a better explanation.

And again I find I'm not offering much constructive criticism. The story is what it is, and I think it's done well for what it is. It feels like a snippet from something larger, but remains satisfying on its own - and these are both good things.

Spoiler:

After writing the above, I read arjaybe's comments. I didn't really have a problem with the descriptions around Marie's death, nor with the sudden ending. I think the ending has to be fairly quick, and I think the last half-a-dozen paragraphs cover the decision quite well. There may be room to smooth it a bit more, but it's something you will have to be careful with.

[Graham]

Originally Posted by gmw

My first reaction was: cute!

It has a nice feel to it all the way through. I'm not sure what I expected for the ending ... that wasn't it, but it fits very well. A good length for the story, and for the most part it stays far enough away from the technical to be easy reading.

As with your last one, I stumble a little over some of the punctuation, particularly early on, but not in a way that spoiled it for me. On a subsequent read I'll look for more specific items.

Spoiler:

I'm not suggesting a change here, just making a comment from the perspective of _science_ fiction (ie. a comment from someone that doesn't think things like Dr Who and the Star Trek spin offs are really science fiction - they're fantasy created to simulate science fiction). I like the idea of the dual nature Krub, ant-like when separated, individual when joined. But the size/count distinction doesn't seem to fit well with this dual nature - it should take more members to make that difference.

OTOH the distinction obviously isn't quite so marked as ant vs sentience - since the bumbling balls seem to have something more ... so maybe it works, and without making the story considerably longer you're not really going to be able to give us a better explanation.

And again I find I'm not offering much constructive criticism. The story is what it is, and I think it's done well for what it is. It feels like a snippet from something larger, but remains satisfying on its own - and these are both good things.

Spoiler:

After writing the above, I read arjaybe's comments. I didn't really have a problem with the descriptions around Marie's death, nor with the sudden ending. I think the ending has to be fairly quick, and I think the last half-a-dozen paragraphs cover the decision quite well. There may be room to smooth it a bit more, but it's something you will have to be careful with.

Thanks for the comments Geoff. I'll reread it with these and Jim's thoughts in mind and see if some tweaks suggest themselves to me.

Graham

[Katsunami]

Hi

I've been printing the new stories, and yesterday I started the rewrite of my own. This weekend I'll try to post the comments on mrmarlowe's story, and as many as possible on the others.

We have another three weeks to get everything finished up Fortunately, my busy time seems to be over for now.

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by gmw

Obviously determined not to give us a happy one.

It's very good, I think. More obvious than the previous, you hold the reader's hand more through this one - but I think that suits this story. The imagery is very good, and the pace feels right. While I thought I knew what was coming there was still a feeling of tension there waiting for it. Given the tone of the piece, the ending was not exactly what I expected.

A couple of things stuck out at me in the first few paragraphs, and I'll note them here. After that I was too busy reading to notice much in the of errors - which is a good thing.

Spoiler:

"the Norwegian fjords" - wondering if "the" is inappropriate here.

"pale grey eyes crinkled - the mix of colour and "crinkle" seems wrong (one speaks on the eye itself, the other of the skin around the eyes).

There's not a lot of critical comment here that might help with improvement ... largely because I think the story is already doing what you set out to achieve. I've said previously that such short works aren't what I most enjoy, but I do think this story is a good vignette.

Spoiler:

After writing the above I looked over Graham's comments (which were about the previous version). I can still see the shadows of some of those issues: I had to do a sort of double-take with Michael in the carseat, I half-expected Ricky to either jump in the water or collapse where she was. But overall it worked pretty well for me in this newer version.

Thank you for the critique. I'll reread the story with your comments in mind.

[gmw]

Below are some detailed edits ... the first part of the story (to the first ***** break). I ran out of time to do the rest, I'll try to get to them tomorrow.

Spoiler:

"but even souls" -> "but even our souls"

The first sentence of the first paragraph seems at odds (contradictory) with what follows in that paragraph. (You say you were "submerged in utter grief", and then proceed to tell us that you're only offering a "pretension of grief".)

"... all these happen?" -> "... all this happen?"

"Later on I wondered ... only for twenty-four hours." -> consider simplifying this paragraph so it reads more smoothly and to avoid tense problems. For example: "I wondered if I was being unnecessarily curt with him, but then I was not feeling that great myself and was in no mood for conversation, especially with someone I had known only for twenty-four hours." (If you want to leave the "later on" prefix then the present tense - "was being" etc. - is inappropriate.)

"... than she'd normally." -> "... than she would normally." Just a suggestion, the abbreviation feels wrong to me in this context.

"All of a sudden, the sound of clattering stopped again." -> "All of a sudden" doesn't read well here, I think something like "Abruptly" would work better.

"... - all within a couple of seconds" -> seems redundant to me.

"I then told my mother than I can't sleep any more in darkness; she agreed." -> There are a number of issues here. You could trying using actual dialogue, or try something like: "I told my mother that I couldn't sleep any more in darkness. She agreed."

"...; moreover, I didn't want to disturb her sleep." -> seems unnecessary.

The three paragraphs starting at ""Sunshine would, in just ..." seem overly verbose and awkward. Try to tighten them up a bit.

"As we two were talking among each other in the ..." -> "As we two were talking in the ..."

"I chill ran down ..." -> "A chill ran down ..."

"She later proposed that there was no need to keep the kitchen light burning too even when we were done with our cooking." Does this matter to the story in any way? If not, delete it.

"He went off to his room, and from what I could figure, slumped on his bed." -> "figure" seems the wrong word in this context. Did you mean "hear", perhaps?

Review all your uses of "etc." and make sure you really mean to have them (for example, it may be a mannerism of _one_ of the the speakers). Where not essential, try to get rid of them. I also suggest spelling out in full rather than using the abbreviation is better.

The four paragraphs starting at ""Oh, I see. If you don't mind, I'd like to know more ..." feel a bit stiff and awkward. In particular, try to cut down the very long paragraphs. For example this "wander aimlessly from place to place, finding no abode or solace, suffering all the time, unable to take birth as another being on earth, etc." could possibly be reduced to something like "wander aimlessly from place to place, suffering all the time, and unable to be reincarnated." (And the "- in other words..." trailer is not needed at all, I think.)

By the time we reach "As we didn't know how to perform the necessary rites ourselves..." we've been away from the conversation about shradh for a while, so something like "...necessary rites for shradh..." would help.

"burning - both literally and figuratively - throughout the night." -> Why "both literally and figuratively" ?

"... she mumbled to me that the shradh needed to be done ..." -> ... Mom mumbled to me ..." (We need an attribution here, I think.)

Does any of the paragraph starting at "In the meantime we continued to live as usual ..." actually matter to the story? If not, I suggest the first part of the story could finish well at the preceding paragraph.

I have some quibbles about the punctuation, but mostly I haven't made explicit comment about them, there are enough other comments to be going on with.

Things are definitely clearer to me this time around (although some of that will come from knowing what to expect). The additional explanation for shradh is a good thing, but as noted above it needs to be tighter, in fact this entire first part would benefit from trying to cut it back to essentials. It is, in essence, only scene setting for the important part of the story still to come, and so you need to keep it as brief as you can manage.

[gmw]

Comments about the second part:

Spoiler:

"... taken me for a fool and was messing with me." -> "... taken me for a fool and were messing with me."

"... before he could offer anything to my father's soul," -> "before he could offer anything for my father's soul," ???

"What?? That's ridiculous." -> one question mark would be enough.

"Here comes another headache, I thought, "Oh, what contract?"" -> "Here comes another headache, I thought. "Oh, what contract?" You need the fullstop, otherwise people may think the dialogue is thought (because some stories do quote thoughts).

"... renew them to help you," I said, "is it some ..." -> "... renew them to help you," I said. "Is it some ..." (Another place that _needs_ the fullstop.)

"One day, during the hours of twilight, ..." We get to this point and it seems that much time must have passed ("One day"), and yet the narrator was so impatient just a bit earlier that he couldn't even wait until "tomorrow".

There seemed to be a lot of details in the second part that didn't add anything to the story, and a certain level of disjointedness to it. I guess that fits without it all coming out as a dream, but it does get in the way of staying involved in the story.

Comments about the third part:

Spoiler:

"Rice balls? For what?" he asked. -> you need to tell us that "he" is Mr Zant, because it's not obvious here (the last man to talk was the priest).

Comments about the end:

Spoiler:

"... your father would be returning from the market ..." -> "... your father will be returning from the market ..."

"... he'd be in special hurry ..." -> "... he will be in special hurry ..."

"... "Father'd be returning??" -> "... "Father will be returning??"

The above are all within dialogue, so maybe it is usual for these characters to use "would" instead of "will" in such cases, but if it is not a deliberate accent then they should be corrected.

The story has become clearer to me in this new version and I think the ending works better now than it did. But I think there is room to smooth it out more. Work on your punctuation (don't be frightened to use fullstops/periods occasionally ).

[gmw]

Some general comments only for now...

Spoiler:

This is a curious portrayal, and rather depressing. I feel as if it could do with some lighter or more upbeat elements to give some sort of contrast.

I was worried for a few paragraphs that you were going to get too preachy about religion (pun intended), but was relieved when that faded out.

While I seemed to get some reasonable sense of the people, I remained fairly blind to the surroundings. All I really got was a sense of being crowded and the smell. There was little in the way of visual aid. ... Of course that sort of thing is difficult to do without getting long winded and boring, but I do think a few more visual hints - for the surroundings and the characters - might help fill out what you are trying to achieve.

I have a similar comment here to what I had for arjaybe: I'm not really a fan of very short stories that are just scenes/images. Which is not to say they're bad, only to say they're not what I come looking for in a story. So, because I was looking for a story, I had it in my head that the narrator might actually turn out to be a con man ... it would almost have made the "icing on the cake" for the foreigners experience and might have made for a curious twist in the tale.

There were a few places where I got a bit confused about who was who in the action and dialogue. I think you may need to touch-up a few of those. Some of the dialogue felt a bit stiff and inconsistent, but the situation of the characters goes some way to explaining that.

What I will say is that this seemed much cleaner and clearer writing than the previous story. I found it much easier to get along with. Again some issues with punctuation - remember this is not an email where you *emphasis* like this, instead you probably should use italics.