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Old 09-12-2014, 12:51 PM   #8056
MJK2111
FUBAR!
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Why are Dolly Parton's feet so small?

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Things don't grow well in the shade...
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Old 09-12-2014, 01:08 PM   #8057
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pilotbob View Post
Um... ok, you just re-wrote my joke.
Actually it's been written several times throughout these pages, reinvented with a new sauce...
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Old 09-15-2014, 07:01 AM   #8058
PieMan597
Nonefish
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Life is like a roll of toliet paper; the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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Old 09-15-2014, 09:28 AM   #8059
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binomial: homo legentem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pilotbob View Post
Um... ok, you just re-wrote my joke.
Well, if you had written it correctly the first time....
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Old 09-15-2014, 03:08 PM   #8060
Glorfindel
Wizard
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nohmi2 View Post
UNIVERSITY APPLICATION. e-tales two.
What follows is a real application from a prospective student for a place at Southampton University.
His application was apparently successful. ____________________________
In order for the admissions staff of our University to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person? ____________________________
A: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute Brownies in twenty minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handed;y defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical applieances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics world-wide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I once read 'Paradise Lost', 'Moby Dick' and 'David Copperfield' in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining-room that evening.
I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not aply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But, I have not yet gone to this University.
Because it's so funny
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Old 09-15-2014, 03:21 PM   #8061
badgoodDeb
Wizard
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Yup. I can see admitting someone with the kind of imagination and writing ability!
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Old 09-16-2014, 07:59 AM   #8062
orlok
Getting back into it
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A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous.

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign."

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten."
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Old 09-16-2014, 09:04 AM   #8063
steven522
binomial: homo legentem
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During a recent trip to the supermarket with my wife, I went to the end of the checkout and began bagging up our groceries. Halfway through the frustrating process of fighting the little plastic bags that seem to always either tear or cling together in clumps of a half-dozen, I felt a gentle pat on my arm.

Turning around, I looked into the kindly face of grandmotherly type lady. "It's OK," she said comfortingly. "You can do it. Don't give up."

I was just about to thank her for the kind words when she turned to the cashier and said: "It's so nice that your store gives special needs people a chance to work."
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Old 09-16-2014, 09:27 AM   #8064
HomeInMyShoes
Ginormous Intergalactic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post
A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous.

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign."

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten."
You be a little early fer Pirate Day.
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Old 09-16-2014, 09:37 AM   #8065
Chiron scriba
Bücherwurm
Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!
 
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This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 1981. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

__________________________________________________ ____
It comes in several flavors, characters and nationalities may change but it's still a good one
My apologies if someone already posted it - checking 538 pages is definitely beyond my reach
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Old 09-16-2014, 07:19 PM   #8066
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^ I would have ended it like that :

LIGHTHOUSE: Your call!
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Old 09-16-2014, 11:30 PM   #8067
cromag
Surfing the alpha waves ~
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Well, not really real, but still funny.

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp
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Old 09-17-2014, 02:54 AM   #8068
Chiron scriba
Bücherwurm
Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!Chiron scriba rocks like Gibraltar!
 
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OK cromag, I don't think there's anymore a good joke you cannot find on the web in at least 256 different versions . Try this one, for instance:


One day in the Garden of Eden


"Adam, you're looking a little sad today! What's wrong with you?"

"O Lord, I have a problem...

"What's the problem, Adam?"

"Lord, You created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but ..."

"But?"

"Er, I feel so lonely! I don't have anyone to chat with, You're always so busy creating beautiful things. And besides..."

"Besides???"

"Well, there are some needs, you know... in Your infinite wisdom You gave them to me, though I'm sort of ashamed to talk about them..."

"Oh those urges, now I understand! OK, I think it's about time for Me to create the woman."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"Ah, she shall be a creature more or less like you but way more beautiful and appealingly different! She shall be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the Heavens and Earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you, she will cook the most delicious food for you, she will iron your shirts and pants, she will bear you beautiful and nice children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. You will like her, Adam, believe Me!"

"Oh Lord, that sounds just great! But how could I ever afford such a marvelous creature?"

"Oh Adam, come on, she won't be that expensive! Today I feel generous, she will cost you just an arm and a leg, it's a bargain!"

"Oooh, an arm and a leg... Lord, I don't know, that's quite expensive...
... hmm, tell me, what would I get for a rib?"
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Old Yesterday, 09:59 AM   #8069
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Ig Nobel winner

Not a joke. Is it?



It may not always help science but it is always worthwile to review this year accomplishments. Read phys.org complete coverage for a good laugh.
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