A little Election Day humour....

[slayda]

The following was sent to me from my cousin in Texas, USA. I make no claims about it except that she is my cousin, so make of it what you will.

To: The citizens of the United States of America

From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which
she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
be replaced by the suffix "-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
"-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did
for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!