Suspense blurb feedback?

[Gregg Bell]

It's for that novel I've been posting the cover from. Saving Baby. It's suspense. Thanks!

The biggest challenge facing seventeen-year-old high school student Annie Rebarchek is getting a summer job. It’s a long shot but she interviews for a nanny position with billionaire Houston Monroe and is shocked when she gets the job—and even more shocked by what she finds.

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill. It’s yellow-ish, crying constantly. Monroe insists it’s healthy but refuses to hold it and won’t let Annie hold it either. He asserts he’s only practicing a form of ‘self-soothing’ child-rearing, but Annie thinks something more sinister might be happening. Just as she discovers there is she’s fired.

Up against Monroe’s overwhelming money, power and influence can Annie summon the courage to heed the baby’s cry?

[Cinisajoy]

One word Yuck.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

It's for that novel I've been posting the cover from. Saving Baby. It's suspense. Thanks!

Sure, but never forget: you get what you pay for. I keep telling folks to join critique groups--yes, I know it hurts--but if you persist in asking here...well, ya pays your monies, you takes your chances.

The biggest challenge facing seventeen-year-old high school student Annie Rebarchek is getting a summer job. It’s a long shot but she interviews for a nanny position with billionaire Houston Monroe and is shocked when she gets the job—and even more shocked by what she finds.

It's not dreadful, but it feels a bit "done." As in (sorry) "Lifetime Movie of the Week"-ish. I'd lose the TELLING: "...is shocked.....she finds." After all, why tell? Isn't the point of a description (which is NOT a blurb, folks), to tease, rather than tell?

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill. It’s yellow-ish, crying constantly. Monroe insists it’s healthy but refuses to hold it and won’t let Annie hold it either. He asserts he’s only practicing a form of ‘self-soothing’ child-rearing, but Annie thinks something more sinister might be happening. Just as she discovers there is she’s fired.

Definitely kill this. Again, you're giving away pretty much the entire suspense build-up to your book, aren't ya?

What about something more in line with how the girl wonders if she's qualified,when she believes that the baby MAY be ill, and that the father's eccentricity seems to be affecting the baby as well? Wouldn't it be more realistic for a 17-y.o. to vary wildly between typically know-everything-ness of a late teen to rampaging questioning herself? Wouldn't it be more suspenseful if the protagonist HERSELF doesn't know what she doesn't know, as in, the unreliable narrator? No? yes? Maybe?

Up against Monroe’s overwhelming money, power and influence can Annie summon the courage to heed the baby’s cry?

Yeah. See, today, you can get child services out to see pretty much anybody from Barack Obama on down, so you need to think that part through again. I mean...what's the THEME? Courage? Tenacity? Honesty? Is she going to fight for the baby? SHOULD she? Does a 17-y.o. know enough to know if the baby actually IS sick?

Just thinking out loud, here, but....I think you need to stop giving away all the plot ahead of time. Firstly, the discovery that the baby is allegedly ill should be for the reader--not the browser. You need to rework this, to add in suspense, mystery, danger--and NOT all the spoilers.

That's my $.02. We take checks, money orders and Paypal :-) We don't accept chickens or goats.

Hitch

[marovada]

In my opinion it's too long and has superfluous description.

Maybe this:

Against her maternal instincts, Annie Rebarchek is forbidden to hold the baby she is being paid to look after. The cold, detached billionaire father insists it’s to encourage ‘self-soothing’, but the baby's jaundice colour and constant whining leads Annie to suspect that something more sinister is at play.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

One word Yuck.

Thanks Cinisajoy

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Hitch

Sure, but never forget: you get what you pay for. I keep telling folks to join critique groups--yes, I know it hurts--but if you persist in asking here...well, ya pays your monies, you takes your chances.

Ah, now, Hitch, it's the Writer's Corner. Why wouldn't I ask here?

Originally Posted by Hitch

It's not dreadful, but it feels a bit "done." As in (sorry) "Lifetime Movie of the Week"-ish. I'd lose the TELLING: "...is shocked.....she finds." After all, why tell? Isn't the point of a description (which is NOT a blurb, folks), to tease, rather than tell?


Definitely kill this. Again, you're giving away pretty much the entire suspense build-up to your book, aren't ya?

What about something more in line with how the girl wonders if she's qualified,when she believes that the baby MAY be ill, and that the father's eccentricity seems to be affecting the baby as well? Wouldn't it be more realistic for a 17-y.o. to vary wildly between typically know-everything-ness of a late teen to rampaging questioning herself? Wouldn't it be more suspenseful if the protagonist HERSELF doesn't know what she doesn't know, as in, the unreliable narrator? No? yes? Maybe?



Yeah. See, today, you can get child services out to see pretty much anybody from Barack Obama on down, so you need to think that part through again. I mean...what's the THEME? Courage? Tenacity? Honesty? Is she going to fight for the baby? SHOULD she? Does a 17-y.o. know enough to know if the baby actually IS sick?

Just thinking out loud, here, but....I think you need to stop giving away all the plot ahead of time. Firstly, the discovery that the baby is allegedly ill should be for the reader--not the browser. You need to rework this, to add in suspense, mystery, danger--and NOT all the spoilers.

That's my $.02. We take checks, money orders and Paypal :-) We don't accept chickens or goats.

Hitch

Thanks Hitch.

I can't do the unreliable narrator (my next book does, though) because Annie is a real straight shooter. And I agree it did seem pretty flat and lacking suspense.

I'm going to post a new version.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by marovada

In my opinion it's too long and has superfluous description.

Maybe this:

Against her maternal instincts, Annie Rebarchek is forbidden to hold the baby she is being paid to look after. The cold, detached billionaire father insists it’s to encourage ‘self-soothing’, but the baby's jaundice colour and constant whining leads Annie to suspect that something more sinister is at play.

Thanks marovada. That is definitely a lot more concise. Appreciate it. I've put together a new one I'll post after this.

[Gregg Bell]

High-schooler Annie Rebarchek gets the chance of a lifetime.

She lands a job working as a nanny for billionaire Houston Monroe. But something’s wrong. Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly, and Monroe won’t let Annie hold it. He’s practicing ‘self-soothing’ child rearing, he says, but Annie thinks something more sinister might be happening. Just as she discovers there is she’s fired.

Annie goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. She’s done everything she can, but the baby’s cry haunts her and pushes her to make one last desperate attempt to save it—at what may be the cost of her own life.

[arjaybe]

Gregg, it seems like you're still telling the story rather than hinting at it.

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by marovada

In my opinion it's too long and has superfluous description.

Maybe this:

Against her maternal instincts, Annie Rebarchek is forbidden to hold the baby she is being paid to look after. The cold, detached billionaire father insists it’s to encourage ‘self-soothing’, but the baby's jaundice colour and constant whining leads Annie to suspect that something more sinister is at play.

That would be 'jaundiced'.

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

High-schooler Annie Rebarchek gets the chance of a lifetime.

She lands a job working as a nanny for billionaire Houston Monroe. But something’s wrong. Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly, and Monroe won’t let Annie hold it. He’s practicing ‘self-soothing’ child rearing, he says, but Annie thinks something more sinister might be happening. Just as she discovers there is she’s fired.

Annie goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. She’s done everything she can, but the baby’s cry haunts her and pushes her to make one last desperate attempt to save it—at what may be the cost of her own life.

A little better but I don't like the way this line reads.
. Just as she discovers there is she’s fired.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

A little better but I don't like the way this line reads.
. Just as she discovers there is she’s fired.

At a minimum, needs a comma:

Just as she discovers there is, she’s fired.

Still don't love the line, but...if you want to use it, use the comma.

H

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

Gregg, it seems like you're still telling the story rather than hinting at it.

Thanks rgb. It's such a balancing act. Too much, too little.

The more I think about it, the more I think you're right. I'm wondering what will happen if I do it like this:

High-schooler Annie Rebarchek gets the chance of a lifetime.

She lands a job working as a nanny for billionaire Houston Monroe. But something’s wrong. Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly, and Monroe won’t let Annie hold it. He’s practicing ‘self-soothing’ child rearing, he says, but Annie thinks something more sinister might be happening.

There's a lot of suspense if I end it right there but it's still missing an ending zinger. But here's the problem: if I say something like, "Will Annie find the courage to heed the baby's cry?" people will say, 'Well, why didn't she just go to the police or the media?' (all the stuff I'm deleting.)

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

A little better but I don't like the way this line reads.
. Just as she discovers there is she’s fired.

Okay, Cin. I'll take a look at it. Thanks.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Hitch

At a minimum, needs a comma:

Just as she discovers there is, she’s fired.

Still don't love the line, but...if you want to use it, use the comma.

H

If the line stays, the comma goes in. Thanks Hitch