Silliness Lawyer Jokes (with malice toward none)

RWood · 08-02-2008, 10:41 AM

With no ill intended toward our own RickyMaveety, the Duckbilled Armadillopuss from Texas and points west, I open the floor to the old tradition of lawyer jokes.

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it."

"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "

zelda_pinwheel · 08-02-2008, 10:49 AM

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are *YOU *going to get a lawyer?"

Nate the great · 08-02-2008, 11:01 AM

Q: What do you call a dozen lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

RickyMaveety · 08-02-2008, 11:51 AM

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer??

A: Take your foot off of his head.

grimo1re · 08-02-2008, 11:59 AM

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure," said the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

zelda_pinwheel · 08-02-2008, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grimo1re

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure," said the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

heheheh...

Nate the great · 08-02-2008, 12:07 PM

Q: Why wouldn't the shark bite the lawyer?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why wouldn't the zombie bite the lawyer?

A: Hey, even zombies have some minimum standards.

DaleDe · 08-02-2008, 12:11 PM

Do you realize how many Lawyer jokes there really are in the world?

*spoiler*

2

*explanation*

The rest are all true stories.

RWood · 08-03-2008, 06:51 PM

A man runs into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a totalloss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Nate the great · 08-03-2008, 09:43 PM

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?

An ambulance stopped suddenly.

Nate the great · 08-03-2008, 09:46 PM

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Nate the great · 08-03-2008, 09:46 PM

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

No? Good!

Nate the great · 08-03-2008, 09:47 PM

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Nate the great · 08-03-2008, 09:49 PM

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.

Patricia · 08-03-2008, 11:32 PM

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

08-02-2008, 10:41 AM	#1
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	Lawyer Jokes (with malice toward none) With no ill intended toward our own RickyMaveety, the Duckbilled Armadillopuss from Texas and points west, I open the floor to the old tradition of lawyer jokes. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "

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08-02-2008, 10:49 AM	#2
zelda_pinwheel zeldinha zippy zeldissima Posts: 27,827 Karma: 921169 Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Paris, France Device: eb1150 & is that a nook in her pocket, or she just happy to see you?	One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

08-02-2008, 11:01 AM	#3
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	Q: What do you call a dozen lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start.

08-02-2008, 11:51 AM	#4
RickyMaveety Holy S**T!!! Posts: 5,213 Karma: 108401 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: San Diego, California!! Device: Kindle and iPad	Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?? A: Take your foot off of his head.

08-02-2008, 11:59 AM	#5
grimo1re Geekette Posts: 435 Karma: 3335 Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: NSW, Australia Device: Sony Reader PRS500, PocketBook 360	A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure," said the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

08-02-2008, 12:07 PM	#7
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	Q: Why wouldn't the shark bite the lawyer? A: Professional courtesy. Q: Why wouldn't the zombie bite the lawyer? A: Hey, even zombies have some minimum standards.

08-02-2008, 12:11 PM	#8
DaleDe Grand Sorcerer Posts: 11,470 Karma: 13095790 Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Grass Valley, CA Device: EB 1150, EZ Reader, Literati, iPad 2 & Air 2, iPhone 7	Do you realize how many Lawyer jokes there really are in the world? spoiler 2 explanation The rest are all true stories.

08-03-2008, 06:51 PM	#9
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	A man runs into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a totalloss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

08-03-2008, 09:43 PM	#10
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident? An ambulance stopped suddenly.

08-03-2008, 09:46 PM	#11
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish. Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road? A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

08-03-2008, 09:47 PM	#13
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

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08-03-2008, 09:49 PM	#14
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.

08-03-2008, 11:32 PM	#15
Patricia Reader Posts: 11,504 Karma: 8720163 Join Date: May 2007 Location: South Wales, UK Device: Sony PRS-500, PRS-505, Asus EEEpc 4G	Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice. A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.