Seriously thoughtful What exactly IS cheating? [Warning: Possible Adult Language]

[Dr. Drib]

Every time I go to Miraflores, a tourist city in Peru, I'm approached by prostitutes. Every single time. This is in the "Pizza Alley" area right across from Parque Kennedy. Some women want a good time and offer themselves, even though they are not street-walkers. Money is never discussed, because I don't let it get to that point. I say, "Gracias, no, senorita," and continue walking.

If I look at a woman too long (and if she's a prostitute), she'll often pursue me - sometimes agressively, albeit nicely. I just wave my hand in dismissal, which is a common way to say "no" to anyone selling anything.

This is my second marriage and I know what it is to THINK about lusting in one's heart, but I would never cheat on my wife.

However, I appreciate looking at a beautiful woman. All of this got me to thinking: What exactly IS cheating? When does one cross the line into having cheated? Is appreciating a beautiful woman (or man, if that is one's predilection) a sign of cheating or some kind of prefigurement to cheating?

Is cheating only the act of having sexual intercourse? I remember, during my years as single man, that a friend of mine told me that she didn't believe engaging in oral sex was cheating. I didn't buy that and don't to this day. But now being in a large city of 8-10 million people, (and I'm just a "good 'ole Southern boy' used to small cities where prostitution never seemed to touch me) has got me to thinking about the IDEA of cheating and what it means and how we define that word.

Do we all have feelings of lust in our hearts, to paraphrase President Carter. Is it wrong to have these feelings? Of course, Lust is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but what if one has no religious convictions or has difficulty counting?


Don

[wodin]

Originally Posted by The US Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ)

Penetration constitutes the offense.

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[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by wodin

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That definition seems rather limited.


Don

[slayda]

Also rather vague. Penetrating what with what? When I replace the stopper in a wine bottle, I have penetrated the wine bottle with the stopper, ergo I have cheated??

What if you live in a society where bigamy is legal, is sex with your second wife, "cheating" on your first wife?

What if you're not married but engaged. Is sex with someone other than your fiancé(e) cheating. What if your just "going steady" or just dating regularly?

Would a married man having sex with another man be cheating on his wife? What about sex with an animal or with himself (i.e. masturbation)?

Are there ways of cheating on a spouse that do not even involve sex in any way? (E.g. Not allowing you wife out of the house unless with you. Spending money that, as a couple you have agreed not to spend. A man going out with the "guys" to play poker, or to bowl, leaving the wife alone. A man going rock climbing - or some other non-sexual activity - with another woman. Having a close (intimate but non-sexual) friend of the opposite sex.)

If cheating only is sexual, why is that? If neither you or your spouse want to cook, it seems perfectly OK to always go out to eat or to hire a cook. Same for yard work, house work, medical help, etc., etc. But we apparently don't have that freedom with sex. If one partner does not want sex and the other does, they are not allowed to "hire" it done because that would be "cheating". Why is that the one category of our lives relegated to such exacting standards when the other aspects are not?

I always did have a questioning mind.

[Xenophon]

My answer is that "cheating" (with respect to sex) is going outside of whatever ground rules a couple has established. The US seems to have an idealized set of ground rules, and no (public) admission that any other rule set is legit. Perhaps it's that puritan part of our heritage, or something. In any case, whatever rules you set up as a couple, violating those rules is "cheating."

Xenophon
(It's that small-l libertarian thing again...)

[kacir]

I have been thinking about it.

Cheating is if you do something you wouldn't be willing to describe to your partner in colourful juicy details.

When I go to a business trip and I visit sauna and sit there naked with naked female strangers and then I go and relax naked in Jacuzzi together with pretty naked female strangers it is no cheating. Because I know that I can tell about it to my wonderful wife and she will not have any objections. In fact I most definitely would describe my "Wellness Center Escapades" and my wife will be happy that I had such a good time.

[desertgrandma]

I think cheating is doing something you wouldn't do if your spouse/mate/significant other was there beside you.


If my husband looks at a beautiful woman when I'm with him, he knows its okay with me. If he goes over and starts kissing her, THATS cheating!

Each couple's set of rules is different. What might be "cheating" for one set wouldn't necessarily be the same for another.

So how can you put a definition on it?

[RickyMaveety]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

Every time I go to Miraflores, a tourist city in Peru, I'm approached by prostitutes. Every single time. This is in the "Pizza Alley" area right across from Parque Kennedy. Some women want a good time and offer themselves, even though they are not street-walkers. Money is never discussed, because I don't let it get to that point. I say, "Gracias, no, senorita," and continue walking.

If I look at a woman too long (and if she's a prostitute), she'll often pursue me - sometimes agressively, albeit nicely. I just wave my hand in dismissal, which is a common way to say "no" to anyone selling anything.

This is my second marriage and I know what it is to THINK about lusting in one's heart, but I would never cheat on my wife.

However, I appreciate looking at a beautiful woman. All of this got me to thinking: What exactly IS cheating? When does one cross the line into having cheated? Is appreciating a beautiful woman (or man, if that is one's predilection) a sign of cheating or some kind of prefigurement to cheating?

Is cheating only the act of having sexual intercourse? I remember, during my years as single man, that a friend of mine told me that she didn't believe engaging in oral sex was cheating. I didn't buy that and don't to this day. But now being in a large city of 8-10 million people, (and I'm just a "good 'ole Southern boy' used to small cities where prostitution never seemed to touch me) has got me to thinking about the IDEA of cheating and what it means and how we define that word.

Do we all have feelings of lust in our hearts, to paraphrase President Carter. Is it wrong to have these feelings? Of course, Lust is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but what if one has no religious convictions or has difficulty counting?


Don

I remember walking home one evening after work (in San Diego), with my briefcase in my hand and my best suit on ($500 that suit cost me in 1988), when a sailor approached me and asked me how much I charged.

I didn't miss a beat, I told him flat out that it was $200 an hour and that did not include sex.

Cheating is whatever the person cheated upon believes it to be. Doesn't matter how innocent it may seem to the person who cheats; if their partner feels cheated on, and proceeds to treat them as if the cheater has done something wrong, then they've got a problem on their hands.

Myself, I could care less what some man sticks his penis in, as long as he is not also sticking it in me. I like to have a choice in my venereal diseases, thank you very much.

[slayda]

Originally Posted by kacir

I have been thinking about it.

Cheating is if you do something you wouldn't be willing to describe to your partner in colourful juicy details.

When I go to a business trip and I visit sauna and sit there naked with naked female strangers and then I go and relax naked in Jacuzzi together with pretty naked female strangers it is no cheating. Because I know that I can tell about it to my wonderful wife and she will not have any objections. In fact I most definitely would describe my "Wellness Center Escapades" and my wife will be happy that I had such a good time.

I'm afraid my wife would be quite upset with me if I did this.

Originally Posted by desertgrandma

I think cheating is doing something you wouldn't do if your spouse/mate/significant other was there beside you.

This would include too many things that would be different for different people. E.g. using the toilet whould count as cheating for some people under this definition.

Originally Posted by RickyMaveety

I like to have a choice in my venereal diseases, thank you very much.

I think I would choose, "None of the above."

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by RickyMaveety

I remember walking home one evening after work (in San Diego), with my briefcase in my hand and my best suit on ($500 that suit cost me in 1988), when a sailor approached me and asked me how much I charged.

I didn't miss a beat, I told him flat out that it was $200 an hour and that did not include sex.

...

Magnificent line. I can mentally visualize it....

[RickyMaveety]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Magnificent line. I can mentally visualize it....

And, my rates have gone up significantly since then. $500 an hour now, and that still doesn't include sex.

Hey, not putting out doesn't come cheap, you know.

[All4Fun]

To me, cheating is having a covert relationship with someone else that you wouldn't share the details with to your significant other. Cheating doesn't need to include sex for it to be cheating.

[Andybaby]

Cheating for me = Physical contact of a Personal nature with a person other than your significant other.

Here is the Tamest example i can think of.

Helping a woman by holding her hand to get her up a step or something for example is allowed

walking down the block with a woman holding her hand, Not allowed.

also bad, Coveting someone else other than your significant other, while putting yourself in a position to spend more time with that person.
For Example, You are attracted to your Coworker, and you offer to give them a ride home.
if you are attracted to a coworker, but put in steps to further distance yourself from that person, thats not cheating obviously

[Andybaby]

Originally Posted by RickyMaveety

And, my rates have gone up significantly since then. $500 an hour now, and that still doesn't include sex.

Hey, not putting out doesn't come cheap, you know.

In these times, if your not putting out, its reasonable to split the check.

a woman asking to pay half means, sorry bub, not having sex with you.
if the man doesnt insist on paying hes saying, well im never gonna see you again. if he does pay, hes saying your worth the time, and even if you do not put out tonight, i expect some in the near future.

if she still insists, shes saying, sorry, i think your complete slime..

[DixieGal]

Yeesh, I'm glad to be happily married. Dating nowadays is too complicated.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. You know how nice and polite you act toward strangers? Well, try to act at least that considerately toward your loved one.

I don't give Tim any alone time in order for him to think about cheating. But I don't trust some of these single soccer moms out there, who are all slick and wily. Tim's a simple boy and would be in the middle of an affair before he even realized it. So, just to help him out, I make sure to keep an eye on him!