MobileRead Short Story Anthology - [DISCUSSION & REVIEW]

[mrmarlowe]

Originally Posted by Katsunami

Of course. At some point, if no more material is coming in, there just won't be an anthology. Should we decide that, all stories will be freed up.

In the very least, we'll all have written a complete story, and learned from the editing process. That is worth something Maybe we'll could restart the thread into an 'write your short story here and have it critiqued' thread, if none exists at that point.

Indeed I learned a lot about coherence and editing. We have a great team here anyway.

[Graham]

Originally Posted by Graham

Thanks, Jim.

Useful stuff. I'll see what changes I can make.

Graham

I've uploaded the (hopefully) final version of Cutting It Fine.

I made all three of your specific changes, Jim, including a new paragraph instead of the pickled onions one. Thanks again.

Spoiler:

But I decided against making it clear that it was an option to stay earlier in the story. I can't think how to do that without telegraphing the ending. I'm comfortable leaving that for readers to mull after they've finished; it's implied that by keeping back the Commander the Krub assent to humans still being around, and the narrator does rationalise it to himself in the closing paragraphs.

Graham

[Graham]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

I've uploaded v1.2 of The Road to Dropbox. A bit of labor to get back into it.-)

Really good changes though, you've found some clever solutions.

The ending really worked for me this time, even though I've read this over and over again now. I got a real punch in the stomach and watery eyes. Much tighter and much more powerful.

I've got just one line edit comment:

Spoiler:

Some time later, maybe that day, maybe another week, she was staring at the TV without the energy to turn it on, when she heard her parents talking

I think this either needs a comma before 'without' or the one after 'on' removed.

Graham

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by Graham

I've uploaded the (hopefully) final version of Cutting It Fine.

I made all three of your specific changes, Jim, including a new paragraph instead of the pickled onions one. Thanks again.

Spoiler:

But I decided against making it clear that it was an option to stay earlier in the story. I can't think how to do that without telegraphing the ending. I'm comfortable leaving that for readers to mull after they've finished; it's implied that by keeping back the Commander the Krub assent to humans still being around, and the narrator does rationalise it to himself in the closing paragraphs.

Graham

It looks good, Graham. I'd call it done.

Jim

[Graham]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

It looks good, Graham. I'd call it done.

Jim

Thanks Jim.

I've also uploaded a new version of Planting The Flag, again, hopefully the final one.

I've put back in the controversial exclamation point as, hey, I like it.

More importantly I've changed the opening paragraphs to give me what I hope is a much more punchy and intriguing opening line.

To save you having to download the whole thing again... here's the new opening:

The Mate worried that the Geologist would have no face.

She pushed away the broken pipes that blocked the lid of its shipping pod, scattering droplets of coolant which spun weightless through the air. The status lights were blinking amber, but not red. Amazing, considering that the impact had ripped away the next compartment of the starship and there was nothing beyond the bulkhead but vacuum.

Graham

[arjaybe]

"The Mate worried that the Geologist would have no face."

I know that she's worried about the geologist's lack of a face and how that would affect the mission, but this sentence also might imply that she was worried that it might have lost its face in the incident. It's the "would have." As if she was about to discover whether it did. Maybe something like:

The Mate worried that the Geologist had no face.

I like the exclamation point too. It's not hard to see why it's there.

Jim

[Graham]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

"The Mate worried that the Geologist would have no face."

I know that she's worried about the geologist's lack of a face and how that would affect the mission, but this sentence also might imply that she was worried that it might have lost its face in the incident. It's the "would have." As if she was about to discover whether it did. Maybe something like:

The Mate worried that the Geologist had no face.

I like the exclamation point too. It's not hard to see why it's there.

Jim

I had also added a single word sentence, 'Faceless.', to the paragraph where she opens the pod, so I hope that any confusion is resolved quickly enough for it to be adding tension rather than frustration.

I don't think that she's sure until she opens the box what this model's face looks like. But I'll mull that overnight.

Funnily enough, 'had no face' is what I originally dreamed up. It's a tricky one. 'Would have' gives the sentence forward movement, it sets up an expectation that needs to be resolved. 'Had no' is more emphatic. It's a statement and doesn't push the reader on to the next paragraph.

Graham

[arjaybe]

It works if she doesn't know, but how likely is that?

Jim

[Graham]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

It works if she doesn't know, but how likely is that?

The Captain clearly knows, and the Mate must have a fair idea. It's more to do with the feel of the sentence and the way it propels the opening.

We know the story now, of course. It would be interesting to get a reaction to the line from someone who hasn't read it before.

Graham

[arjaybe]

Echoes fade. Cricket chirping. Lonely tumbleweed rolls down the street.-)

[Katsunami]

Dear participants,

Please make a backup of your stories that are in the shared Dropbox folder. I have encountered a problem with my Dropbox account. The program has created a \Dropbox\Dropbox\Dropbox\Dropbox..... hierarchy, with files in each and every folder. I'm going to look for the newest versions of my (admittedly, very few) files, and then reinitialize my account.

The people who have stories in the shared folder are:
arjaybe
gmw
Graham
MrMarlowe
And obviously, myself.

Please post in this thread after you have backed up your stories.

Thanks in advance

[arjaybe]

All good here.

rjb

[Graham]

No problem for me, all backed up locally.

Graham

[Katsunami]

OK, thanks

Only gmw and MrMarlowe to go

[gmw]

I already have everything locally. Good to go.