Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[DNSB]

One day, a man is driving when he finds a parrot in the street. Unsure of what to do, he invites it into his car and drives until he finds a policeman.
"Excuse me, I've found a lost parrot and I'm not sure what to do with it!"
"You should take it to the zoo", says the policeman.
"Thank you officer" replies the man. A week later, the policeman sees the man in his car, and the parrot is still in the front seat.
"Why is the parrot still with you? I thought you were taking him to the zoo?"
"I did!", replies the man, "We had such a fantastic time, we're driving to the beach!"

[drjd]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[DNSB]

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.
How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

[drjd]

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
“Did you play sports in college,” his wife then asked me.
“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”
“That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

[DNSB]

I sat next to a baby on a 10-hour flight.
I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

[drjd]

Do overprivileged children go online for their social networthing?

[drjd]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:

'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''

[DNSB]

Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next!” So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[drjd]

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

[DNSB]

I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…

[drjd]

A man goes into a butcher's shop and says, "Have you got a sheep's head?"

The butcher replies, "No, it's just the way I part my hair."

[DNSB]

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

[guanaco]

If the great thinkers of the past had a WhatsApp group:

Isaac Newton: You have no idea about the gravity of the problem.
Charles Darwin: Did it evolve into an argument?
Albert Einstein: Depends on what you mean by "argument". Everything is relative.
Galileo Galilei: Sirs, not everything revolves around you.

[DNSB]

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real well son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

[drjd]

The rich aunt was disappointed and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check."

"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were talking about neckties."