Can I ask for your assistance?

[Alphapheemail]

@ sirbruce and Jack
Thank you so very much! I have a bit more confidence than on friday on tackling this monster.

@ Jack

i TRIED SO HARD to keep my sentences as simple as possible since I am as self proclaimed coma addict. but some of them just sounded so weird! I just my need to change sentecne structure.
e.j.

Once the individual’s basic needs, nutrition and shelter, are compromised; the individual will choose to adhere to the new changes in order to ensure its welfare.

The individual will choose to adhere to the new changes when its basic needs, nutrition and shelter, are compromised.



:thanx:

@sirbruce
the issue of my monotonoal style of writing is one i am aware of. I keep using it because it is what I am most comfortable with since I seem to think in that manner. Is there a way to change this? new brain?

thank you I am printing this thread out and making notes on what and how to tackle tonight. thank you so much.

[sirbruce]

I think varying your sentence structure as you acknowledge will help a lot. Try to think on how the words sound aloud in your head and I think you'll find your second effort much better than the first!

[sigrosenblum]

This article has to do with sales letter copy. But some of these proven keys to good communication will help. Good luck. And remember that "good copy isn't written. It's re-written."

http://sigrosenblum.com/10_secrets.htm

[Claire94]

Originally Posted by cassidym

The two best pieces of advice I ever got about writing was from a very wise tech writer I had to work with to publish a long technical document years ago. They were:

1. Never (or almost never) use the passive voice. It obscures the doer of the action which is why Government writers love it as it makes it unclear who is responsible for something. Thus, don't write "The law will be adhered to" but rather 'Obey the law".

2. Avoid noun forms of verbs. A noun form of a verb usually ends in 'tion'. For example, examination is the noun form of 'to examine'. Verbs move; nouns don't. Thus "I will examine the wounded' has more impact then "I will conduct an examination of the wounded"

And here's a third piece of advice: The first sentence of any letter or essay should tell the reader what the whole letter/essay is about. A lot of people will only read the first sentence and, unless it is very clear what the whole thing is about, they may not read any more.

My favorite example of this was when, the writer, Martin Amis graduated from Oxford and was looking for a first job. He wrote a letter to an editor/publisher that started, "I just graduated from Oxford with a degree in Literature and am trying to get started on a career". I the editor hired him on the spot and later said it was because of that first sentence that made it so clear what the whole letter was about.

More advice: No sentences longer than three lines and keep the paragraphs short.

This is all excellent advice.

My supplement: Limit your words. If only 7 words create a strong sentence, don't add 8 more descriptive or repetitive words. This virtually eliminates the passive voice and "tion" words (Citing Mike, items 1 & 2). When you've finished your final draft, edit the paper by half. Really, I mean CUT CUT CUT.

I taught Legal Writing long ago in a law school far away. My best students held engineering or tech degrees. They could suggest a position, argue the point and then summarize it concisely. English majors seemed to make the worst legal writers--too wordy.

Good Luck, Claire

[sirbruce]

I think Claire's advice is a bit overly broad. While it seems to be a common problem with many writers to write too much, it's by far a universal one. So don't feel like you have to edit further than you're comfortable with.

[cjcherryh]

So how's it going?
Keep your paragraphs short---paragraph whenever you think you've reached your point in that section. There is no RULE about paragraphs: they are whatever the author thinks they should be---but they should be fairly frequent, to help the reader get to your point.
Am, is, are, was, were, be, been are all operatives with the passive voice: look really closely at any of these words---if they are followed by a verbal form. See if you can think of a more straightforward wording.