Plots For Free

[Dr. Drib]

You know you read it somewhere, or perhaps you only imagined it. Even the best writers, or (God help you) the next wannabe Dan Brown can sometimes come up with the most hair-brained, stupid plot that you wonder what miracle drug the author was taking.

"Plots For Free" is one way to give back to those desperate authors who have nothing else left to say, and who have trouble bathing.

I'm here to help them, and you can too. The following plot summary is from a novel I read when I was 17 years old. It's called "Come On In And Have A Seat!" I hope you like it.

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An unnamed narrator imagines that he is a chair, but people who sit on him practice poor hygiene. Other people who sit on him are incapable of keeping still, creating scuff marks on the chair’s surface. The man [the chair] – agitated beyond all reason - somehow manages to place a tac near the left rear of himself. In the first scene (close to Chapter Three, but actually in Chapter One), a very proper fat lady with a perpetual scowl on her face is encouraged to sit down. The remaining 327 pages are very predictable.

Some of the chair’s most memorable moments occur when a sitting President settles onto the chair for a Mexican dinner. Another incident of misbehavior occurs when a dog jumps onto the chair and mistakes it for a carpet.

The novel, written by Hiram Smudge, was his only published novel. Shortly after its publication, he tied himself to a Morris chair and plummeted into Niagara Falls. Strangely, the chair was recovered intact, although somewhat drenched in water, but Smudge’s body was never found.


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Dr. Drib