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Old 05-29-2009, 01:57 PM   #151
Steven Lyle Jordan
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Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward View Post
Hmm... Rewrite of the fugitive? An average man used as a fall guy for some government worker's evil, all dumped into various computers (a form of identity theft?) Lots of room to look at the concept of identity and how it pervades the current and future world?
Actually, that sounds familiar, like I've read or seen that... sort of a cross between Enemy of the State and something else at the back of my mind... But yeah, corporate or government wonks perversely controlling others' lives is a pretty good formula for a modern horror story. Sort of a "stalker with your keys" story.

Along that same vein, a(nother) retelling of The Prisoner would be apropos.
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:59 PM   #152
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New short story

Right now, I'm putting the finishing touches on my new short, short story. Those who enjoy a good vampire story would enjoy it.
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Old 05-30-2009, 02:41 AM   #153
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Writing a thriller, inspired by a piece of paper I found on the street in London. It was a list of names, three of them crossed out and no rhyme or reason to it. So I gave it a rhyme and a reason
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Old 05-30-2009, 07:10 PM   #154
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And here's the opening of the thriller, which I'm now calling - The Slip

--------------------
“Did you hear me, John? I think I killed someone…John?”

Confused, John Rotter switched the mobile phone from one ear to the other. He pushed open the rear door of the club and stepped out into the alley, away from the thundering music and his duty.

If this was a joke, it wasn’t a funny one. Then again, Amy never did have a sense of humour.

“What did you just say, Amy? Can you repeat that, I couldn’t hear you with all the music in the club?”

“There’s a man…he’s at the bottom of the stairs and I think I…I killed him.” Amy’s voice was lost in sobs.

Numb, John leaned against the wall. He shook his head.

This wasn’t a joke.

“What did you do? Who’s the man, Amy?” he said.

“I don’t know.”

“A burglar, do you think he might be—“

“Fuck, John! I don’t know, okay, I don’t know. I woke up and he was there, he was just there. I ran and…” Her voice trailed away into sobs.

Christ, John thought, this was their marriage all over again. Only for the four years he and Amy were together there’d been no dead bodies involved.

“Okay, it’s alright,” he said in a soothing voice, “we can deal with this. We just have to—”

“How, John? How do we deal with this…mess? It’s a dead body not a bloody broken door or the car not starting.”

“There’s nothing to worry about, trust me. It was self-defence. You fought back and—“
Silence. It spread out across the phone line taunting him.

“Amy are you still there? Amy?”

More silence.

A knife twisted in John’s gut. Silence was never any good. Silence was what happened when people died on you. He’d experienced that silence once too often in his life and you never got over it, or fearing it when it came.

John broke into a run.

Parked just around the corner was his company car. A black armoured BWM S-Series Wisenor Security had given him for all his protective duties. He’d never needed the armour, but if this silence went on much longer, he knew he’d need the speed of the car.

“Amy, is there anybody there with you? Can you hear me Amy?” John said, as he turned the corner and spotted the car. “Listen, Amy if you can make a sound, just—“

“I shot him, John. I shot him.”

The words were like taking a bullet while wearing a protective vest. John cut his run short.

“You did what?”

“Oh Christ! Jesus! I shot a man…I shot a man…” Her voice reached a hysterical pitch.

John clasped the phone tighter at his ear. He knew Amy was in shock, it was like that for most people when they shot a man for the first time. But this wasn’t war, this wasn’t soldiering. You weren’t supposed to be firing a gun in your own home.

There was only one remedy for shock that John knew. Calm, in equal measures.

He took a breath, regulating his breathing before he spoke again.

“Calm down, Amy, I need for you take a deep breath and calm down before we—“

“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sat here looking at a dead man and you want me to—“

“You need to get your head straight before we call in the police, okay, are you hearing me?”

“No, wait, let me just turn up my hearing aid, you know because I'm that old.”

John smiled. Some of Amy’s sarcasm was creeping back into her speech. That was a good sign, better than hysterics when you were dealing with people who’d just taken part in extreme violence.

“Okay then, I need to ask you; was the gun yours?”

“Mine?”

John hit the button on his keys.

The BMW clicked as the doors unlocked.

“Does the gun belong to you, Amy? Did you buy a gun illegally and keep it in your house? I need to know before we call in the police on this one,” John said as he climbed in behind the wheel.

“Course it doesn’t, where would I get a gun from? I’m a bloody journalist not a gangster, what the hell kind of question—“

“Good, I thought not. Now tell me, does it belong to the man you…to the man at the bottom of the stairs?”

“Yes, who else would it belong to? Are you trying to piss me off here, John? I’ve just shot a man and you’re asking me all these stupid questions. Did you hear me I just shot a man, I’m not stupid.”

John slipped the electronic key into the ignition and hit the button.

The car started with a low growl.

“Just getting our facts straight. Now, tell me, did you call the police?”

“I called you first. You said to call you if anything—”

“Good,”

“What’s good about it?”

“I’ll tell you in twenty minutes. I’m coming over, Amy. Don’t do anything till I get there.”
----------------------
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Old 06-02-2009, 01:30 PM   #155
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Old 06-02-2009, 02:16 PM   #156
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That sounds fascinating and incredibly ambitious. I'll look forward to seeing exerpts...
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Old 06-02-2009, 03:06 PM   #157
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Last edited by ahi; 07-27-2009 at 01:19 PM.
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Old 06-02-2009, 04:06 PM   #158
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Right now, I'm putting the finishing touches on my new short, short story. Those who enjoy a good vampire story would enjoy it.
What does the title "Vadas" mean, Jayne?
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Old 06-04-2009, 08:49 PM   #159
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Currently working on a short story set in the near future - next 100 years. Told from the perspective of a dead man......

Starts like this:

So I died, and to be totally honest with you it was a lot more painful than I had expected. A hell of a lot more painful. But then again I am fairly sure that you are not supposed to remember the actual death part, if you know what I mean.

No, you don't, do you?

You're aware of Life Extension Technologies Inc.?

No?

Okay, I think I had better explain a little.

Actually, I had better go back to the very beginning really.
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Old 06-05-2009, 04:58 PM   #160
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I didn't mean to imply that dragons lack sophistication. I think you said it much better than I did--although it's a good storyline, there are places that bumped for me as a reader. I was thinking of that pacing problem as a lack of sophistication in the writing. But who am I to complain, considering that I read the whole thing! (not to mention a lot of other people who did, too.)

I have to work at getting a good pacing in my stories as well. I tend to write a draft with all action and no reaction (or the other way around). Then I fill in what's missing as best as I can.

Sherry
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Old 06-05-2009, 05:20 PM   #161
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peverel View Post
Currently working on a short story set in the near future - next 100 years. Told from the perspective of a dead man......

Starts like this:

So I died, and to be totally honest with you it was a lot more painful than I had expected. A hell of a lot more painful. But then again I am fairly sure that you are not supposed to remember the actual death part, if you know what I mean.

No, you don't, do you?

You're aware of Life Extension Technologies Inc.?

No?

Okay, I think I had better explain a little.

Actually, I had better go back to the very beginning really.
I like that sort of thing. A suggestion: add in a bit more confusion to show that the process is fairly traumaitc from a psychologic perspective.
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Old 06-10-2009, 03:51 PM   #162
Steven Lyle Jordan
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I like that sort of thing. A suggestion: add in a bit more confusion to show that the process is fairly traumaitc from a psychologic perspective.
Either that, or throw something really weird in there. "Like: I wasn't really sure I'd died, until the puppy told me."

Actually, don't mind me... you write what you write! It's a great hook opening as it is!
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Old 06-10-2009, 03:55 PM   #163
Steven Lyle Jordan
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My wife recently commented on the working title of my in-progress novel. She suggested that, although the word's meaning might be clear in English, in other languages its root form might have other connotations that do not suggest the meaning of my use of the English word.

I countered that, since I was using the English word, and the story was written in and intended to be read in English, the connotations of foreign roots of the word weren't important. What say you-all?

(For the record, the word in question is "Verdant".)
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Old 06-10-2009, 03:58 PM   #164
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Is it about my Aunt Verda?

I was trying to come up with a pun on Verdun, but it's not happening.

I think that if it's written in English and will be read in English, then the title's English meaning will hold true. After you win the Hugo and there are translations, you may need to give a little on it...
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Old 06-10-2009, 05:00 PM   #165
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Is it about my Aunt Verda?

I was trying to come up with a pun on Verdun, but it's not happening.

I think that if it's written in English and will be read in English, then the title's English meaning will hold true. After you win the Hugo and there are translations, you may need to give a little on it...
(Heh) As if...

I guess that would be right after the monkeys fly out of my butt...
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