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Old 03-05-2009, 10:09 AM   #151
zelda_pinwheel
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And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. "Repaint, and thin no more!"
aaaaarrrg !!!!!
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Old 03-05-2009, 12:33 PM   #152
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In a bus stop, a drunk man aproaches a lady:
- OMG! You're an ugly cow!
- And you... you... you are a drunk!!
- Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be fine.

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Old 03-05-2009, 06:47 PM   #153
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Outback story...

Rated: Mature (This one has been sitting in my inbox for a while, substitute brunette for blonde if you're blonde).

Outback Story

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde timidly spoke up..........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!

Last edited by Wetdogeared; 03-05-2009 at 07:25 PM.
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Old 03-05-2009, 08:21 PM   #154
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier than shit."
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Old 03-06-2009, 12:10 AM   #155
RWood
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Another mature one

A policeman comes up to a drunken man on the street and says, "May I help you Sir?"

The drunk responds, "Yeah officer, somebody stole my car."

"Where was your car?"

"Right here on the end of this key."

"I think you'd better come down to the station with me for the night. By the way, you'd better zip up your trousers."

The drunk looks down at the unzipped fly and cries, "Oh no, they stole my girlfriend too."
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Old 03-06-2009, 10:34 AM   #156
Over
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- Mummy! I wanna pee!
- All right, come with me.
- No! I wanna grandma to help!
- Why?!
- She trembles...
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Old 03-06-2009, 03:27 PM   #157
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Over View Post
- Mummy! I wanna pee!
- All right, come with me.
- No! I wanna grandma to help!
- Why?!
- She trembles...
Ok, I just don't get this one.

BOb
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Old 03-06-2009, 03:31 PM   #158
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I have been lamenting deciding to read "Murder List" recently. It is more romance than murder. But, it did have a funny line in it. I have never heard this before but I don't know if the author made it up.

Anyway...

Regan (girl): [To a guy friend in college that was quite a ladies man.] Why can't you stick with one women at a time? Have a relationship.

Guy: Because girls are like potato chips.

Regan: How's that?

Guy: You can't eat just one.

BOb
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Old 03-06-2009, 05:16 PM   #159
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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Old 03-06-2009, 06:06 PM   #160
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A man wakes up in hospital , bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8.
"You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
"But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you talked it over with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."
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Old 03-06-2009, 06:12 PM   #161
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Ok, I just don't get this one.

BOb
I guess the kid likes an old lady's trembling hands holding his wee to pee.
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Old 03-06-2009, 06:18 PM   #162
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I guess the kid likes an old lady's trembling hands holding his wee to pee.
AH.. ok. I guess I didn't connect a kid the age that needs help to pee with that.

BOb
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Old 03-06-2009, 06:46 PM   #163
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparrow View Post
A man wakes up in hospital , bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8.
"You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
"But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you talked it over with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."
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Old 03-07-2009, 05:45 PM   #164
nohmi2
Pensively observing.
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OLD AGE BLESSINGS.

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts of dementia. and I have poor circulation; I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

This is a joke that shows that there is always something to be grateful for.

Last edited by nohmi2; 03-08-2009 at 08:54 PM.
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Old 03-09-2009, 06:46 PM   #165
Nate the great
Sir Penguin of Edinburgh
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DO you want to know how bad the recession is?

I just read about millionaire Warren Buffett.
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