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Old 03-02-2009, 06:37 AM   #136
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Does anyone use the "sleep" function on their computer? I don't like it; my computer snores.
Does it toss and turn and steak all of the covers too?
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Old 03-02-2009, 06:44 AM   #137
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"Steak all the covers"? What is it? Buffy, the wedding-band slayer?
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Old 03-02-2009, 09:20 AM   #138
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Old 03-02-2009, 09:24 AM   #139
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Old 03-04-2009, 03:57 AM   #140
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An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit:

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . you coming empty handed? "
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Old 03-04-2009, 04:17 AM   #141
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparrow View Post
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit:

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . you coming empty handed? "
Good one!
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Old 03-04-2009, 08:01 AM   #142
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Two Italians visit America

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparrow View Post
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit:

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . you coming empty handed? "
That was nice; another good Italian joke I know.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them
at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the
men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady idignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Last edited by nrapallo; 03-04-2009 at 04:18 PM.
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Old 03-04-2009, 09:47 AM   #143
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Your own weather station
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Old 03-04-2009, 10:32 AM   #144
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Quote:
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Your own weather station
Cute, and along the same lines, newcomers are referred to the thread You named it what? What were you thinking.... for some more visual jokes...
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Old 03-04-2009, 11:12 AM   #145
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Cute, and along the same lines, newcomers are referred to the thread You named it what? What were you thinking.... for some more visual jokes...
I remember that thread!

Here is a cat carrier, seems to fit more here that there.
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Old 03-04-2009, 03:31 PM   #146
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...


Sum Ting Wong
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Old 03-04-2009, 07:51 PM   #147
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nrapallo View Post
That was nice; another good Italian joke I know.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them
at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the
men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady idignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Loved it.

Cheers.
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Old 03-04-2009, 10:26 PM   #148
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Warning: Important News To All Guys Who Go Out To Clubs Or Bars:

Men need to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a woman. There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sex predators at parties and bars to induce male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually everywhere!

It goes by the street name, "beer."

All women have to do is buy a "beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
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Old 03-05-2009, 12:23 AM   #149
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebarnmom View Post
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...


Sum Ting Wong
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Old 03-05-2009, 06:15 AM   #150
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There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock of course, who was very interested in making money where he could. So he would often thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further - as it happened, he got away with it. Eventually, the Church of Scotland decided to do a big restoration on the roof of one of their biggest Churches. Jock put in a tender and because of his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set about erecting the trestles, and putting up planks, and buying the paint. Yes I'm sorry to say, thinning it down with Turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done,when suddenly, there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the Church and knocking Jock off his scaffold to land on the lawn among amongst the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thin and useless paint. Jock was no fool, he knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, " Oh God! forgive me! what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. "Repaint, and thin no more!"
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