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Old 02-22-2009, 05:50 PM   #121
desertgrandma
Enjoying the show....
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Originally Posted by pshrynk View Post
What? You were the one who started it!

'sigh. Once again, the old broad gets the shaft.

Wait. thats not what I meant!
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Old 02-23-2009, 08:31 PM   #122
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Just received this one.....
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding
the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would
have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it
is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is
the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Last edited by Spartacus2112; 02-23-2009 at 08:31 PM. Reason: Caption
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Old 02-24-2009, 12:48 AM   #123
nohmi2
Pensively observing.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spartacus2112 View Post
Just received this one.....
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding
the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would
have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it
is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is
the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
First really good laugh I've had all day.
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Old 02-24-2009, 08:42 PM   #124
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Subject: Lena & Ole start a family, Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.' Ole got kind of puzzled by this an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three babies home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a damn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.
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Old 02-24-2009, 09:48 PM   #125
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RWood View Post
Subject: Lena & Ole start a family, Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.' Ole got kind of puzzled by this an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three babies home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a damn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.
Wow....Can you imagine the Heinz 57?
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Old 02-24-2009, 10:30 PM   #126
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Originally Posted by Spartacus2112 View Post
Wow....Can you imagine the Heinz 57?
Or, Forumula 101.
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Old 02-24-2009, 10:56 PM   #127
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Q: What do lite beer and making love in a sailboat have in common?

A: They're both farking close to water!

Last edited by kenmark; 02-24-2009 at 11:02 PM.
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Old 02-25-2009, 08:57 AM   #128
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There was a bunch of letters, a comma and a full stop in court.

They're due to be sentenced next week...
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Old 02-25-2009, 11:22 AM   #129
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(Sorry for my bad english. :P)

Mark got up early, to make the road trip home to his family. He lunched some hot chili on the way.

After an hour, he started to feel ill, not resisting to let some farts loose. He was really desperate to arrive home and fly to the bathroom.

He arrived and ran to the door, his wife was waiting:
- Hi hon! Wait, put this on! - she said, presenting him a blindfold.
- Hi. I'm really in a hurry. I have to...
- Shhhh! Just put these one. It's going to be quick!

He conceded. Her wife brought him to the hall, and told him to wait a little bit, she was going to bring something for him.

- What is it? - he asked.
- It's a surprise. - she replied.

While waiting, another wave of belly aches overwhelmed him.
"I'll just let loose a little fart for relief" - he thought. And so did he, but that was such a humid fart! He flaped his hands, to push the air away, trying to conceal the bad smell. In doing so, he didn't manage to avoid farting a couple more times.

His wife was arriving, telling him to take off the blindfold.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! - she said, while his brothers, parents and grandparents, were sit at the dinning table, looking at him with a surprised look.


Last edited by Over; 02-25-2009 at 11:24 AM.
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Old 02-25-2009, 08:22 PM   #130
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm View Post
There was a bunch of letters, a comma and a full stop in court.

They're due to be sentenced next week...
:groan: (we haven't had a good :groan: in a good while, I think )
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Old 02-26-2009, 11:17 AM   #131
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Two canibals were cooking a live ethyopian man in a big cauldron, filled with boiling water and some vegetables, in what would be a nice soup. One of them started to hit the poor man in the head with the wooden spoon.

- What are you doing? - asked the other canibal.
- This son of a bit*h is eating all the patatoes!

One of those cannibals was hunting in the forest with his junior son. Suddenly, while hiding near a lake, they saw a Bo Derek like blonde coming out of the water completely naked.
- Daddy, now we get her, we bring her to the village and we eat her, don't we? - said the boy
- Not at all, son. We get her, we bring her to the village, and we eat mommy!!!!

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Old 02-26-2009, 04:53 PM   #132
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One of those cannibals was hunting in the forest with his junior son. Suddenly, while hiding near a lake, they saw a Bo Derek like blonde coming out of the water completely naked.
- Daddy, now we get her, we bring her to the village and we eat her, don't we? - said the boy
- Not at all, son. We get her, we bring her to the village, and we eat mommy!!!!

´

Two cannibal guys were walking in the beach, when they see a beatiful woman. She has only one arm.
- That's the girl I'm eating lately. - said one of them.
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Old 02-26-2009, 10:19 PM   #133
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A hunter from West Virginia sees a beautiful naked woman running in the woods and asks her if she is game.

She says, "yes" and he shoots her.
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Old 02-28-2009, 11:03 PM   #134
desertgrandma
Enjoying the show....
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A young blonde in Louisiana wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go-on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.


The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, 'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'
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Old 03-01-2009, 07:39 PM   #135
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Does anyone use the "sleep" function on their computer? I don't like it; my computer snores.
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