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Old 03-11-2014, 01:40 PM   #91
mrmarlowe
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Originally Posted by Graham View Post
Reading through my various comments on the Marlowe and Katsunami stories above, it's probably time to repeat that these are just my thoughts, of course. I'm learning a lot through this process myself, and I don't claim to know all the answers!

In the interest of expediency I'm not writing 'I think' or 'my feeling is that' in front of everything, but please be assured that it's there every time.

Graham
Don't worry, I like your thoughts coz they make my story better. I guess you must've worked as a literary critic lol - you articulate your thoughts so well. Looking forward to your thoughts on my new version, thanks.
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Old 03-11-2014, 01:48 PM   #92
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Thank goodness we have Graham. Now I can just read his critiques and toss in a couple of tidbits.
I agree. That makes our stories 'passable' in terms of 'mass publication'. Otherwise it would have ended as just another ho-hum project between friends where everybody praises everybody (real or not).
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Old 03-11-2014, 01:50 PM   #93
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It's definitely good that you've combined Mr Zant and the guy from the South, however, moving all of that into the opening of the story unbalances things a bit.

Spoiler:
The ending is better than it was, but can you tighten it up? By adding the additional detail it's lost some of the punch you had before.


Graham
Thank goodness you like the ending now. Tossing a few ideas about how to 'tighten it up' would be great.

(In general do you think the previous version was much better?)
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Old 03-11-2014, 01:52 PM   #94
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Originally Posted by arjaybe View Post
Thank goodness we have Graham. Now I can just read his critiques and toss in a couple of tidbits.
You can say that again.

Quote:
Spoiler:
Rather than pass out and wake up later, saved, Elani could muster one final burst of magic that helps Marlena defeat the lich, but doesn't save her.
This is a huge spoiler. If you don't want to spoil a large part of the new version, don't open this. It contains part of one of Graham's suggestions.

Spoiler:

Something like that will indeed happen now, but I will connect Elani's resolution of her crisis and the fact that clerical magic is given, not studied.


Quote:
The relationship between Elani and Koryna is fine. I understand your portrayal of service and humility. I don't think you need conflict between them.
In the new version, they will still be very good friends, but Elani will:

Spoiler:

- Have a trait that ticks off Koryna to no end.
- Be a less powerful priestess than Koryna is. This will give Koryna some air of self-importance, bolstered by the fact that she is assistant, and Elani is not.


Quote:
When I read it I thought the "nearly avoided" was a typo for "neatly avoided." That's what you really meant, right?-)
It was meant to say "barely." This typo was a guru meditation error, caused by leprecauns carrying my upload bits in the wrong order

Do you have any suggestions regarding the dialog? I think Graham already said everything else.

Last edited by Katsunami; 03-13-2014 at 05:31 PM.
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Old 03-11-2014, 01:57 PM   #95
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Originally Posted by mrmarlowe View Post
I agree. That makes our stories 'passable' in terms of 'mass publication'. Otherwise it would have ended as just another ho-hum project between friends where everybody praises everybody (real or not).
"Woah! Great Story Bro! Epic!"

Useless.

"That story is crap. I don't like the characters nor the descriptions."

Useless as well.

No. Just writing up an anthology and getting stories lauded or crushed to no end is not the intention. There has to be a better story in the end. To improve stuff, problems have to pointed out. As long as this is done in a constructive way, it will be very helpful

Now I'm going to type more comments to the other stories, but I doubt I can do it as well as Graham...
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Old 03-11-2014, 02:01 PM   #96
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"Woah! Great Story Bro! Epic!"

Useless.

"That story is crap. I don't like the characters nor the descriptions."

Useless as well.


Quote:
Now I'm going to type more comments to the other stories, but I doubt I can do it as well as Graham...
Kindly hold on as I upload version 1-7. It won't be long.
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Old 03-11-2014, 02:06 PM   #97
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Kindly hold on as I upload version 1-7. It won't be long.
OK.

It's not necessary anymore to read my version 1.1.

I'll actually call the next version 2.0 because of Elani's and Koryna's rewrite.
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Old 03-11-2014, 02:34 PM   #98
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When My Father Died

When My Father 'Died' - v.1-7 is up now - I can hardly wait for all the critics here to jump right in.

I added an extra line at the end; if Sir Graham doesn't like it I can delete it.
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Old 03-11-2014, 03:03 PM   #99
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katsunami View Post
You can say that again.

This is a huge spoiler. If you don't want to spoil a large part of the new version, don't open this. It contains part of one of Graham's suggestions.

Do you have any suggestions regarding the dialog? I think Graham already said everything else.
I'm sorry. I'm usually good at remembering the spoiler tags.

When I read it today I'll pay special attention to the dialog. I seem to remember some places where it was a bit "lumpy," but thought the little things could wait.

My first reading left me feeling the story was complete, needing only minor adjustments.
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Old 03-11-2014, 03:07 PM   #100
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You can say that again.



This is a huge spoiler. If you don't want to spoil a large part of the new version, don't open this. It contains part of one of Graham's suggestions.

Spoiler:

Something like that will indeed happen now, but I will connect Elani's resolution of her crisis and the fact that clerical magic is given, not studied.




In the new version, they will still be very good friends, but Elani will:

Spoiler:

- Have a trait that ticks off Koryna to no end.
- Be a less powerful priestess than Koryna is. This will give Koryna some air of self-importance, bolstered by the fact that she is assistant, and Elani is not.




It was meant to say "barely." This typo was a guru meditation error, caused by leprecauns carrying my upload bits in the wrong order

Do you have any suggestions regarding the dialog? I think Graham already said everything else.
[Regarding something you'd posted about the issue with the spell checker of Libre office] While the leperchauns are at it, maybe you could switch to openoffice and see if that improves anything. Or if you don't mind something without the 'automated spell check tool' function then focuswriter is excellent.
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Old 03-11-2014, 03:13 PM   #101
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Originally Posted by arjaybe View Post
When I read it today I'll pay special attention to the dialog. I seem to remember some places where it was a bit "lumpy," but thought the little things could wait.
Yes, there's no need to get too hung up on the dialogue until you're satisfied with the structure (as something you spend ages fixing might get made redundant).

However, I will try to get some general thoughts down on dialogue, and I'll see if I can fish out some helpful links.

I've been reviewing the other story I was going to submit this afternoon, which I wrote a year or two ago, and poking it full of holes. I've been very hard on myself and just want to crawl away and cry.

But, if I hadn't spend the last few days looking at your stories I probably wouldn't have seen as much that I need to work on in this one of mine as I have today. It's been very helpful for me.

Now I need to figure out whether the story can be fixed or whether I should bite the bullet and start something new.

Graham
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Old 03-11-2014, 03:48 PM   #102
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But, if I hadn't spend the last few days looking at your stories I probably wouldn't have seen as much that I need to work on in this one of mine as I have today. It's been very helpful for me.
Is it same genre as crisis of faith?

Well I guess if you don't find any other alternative you can pass the story on to me (along with all copyright) and I will see what sh*t I can create out of it haha. Running empty on ideas now.
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Old 03-11-2014, 03:55 PM   #103
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When My Father Died

v1.7

The first time you mention Mr Zant it's not clear that he's south-guy. Say his name the first time, and don't call him guy from South after that.

There are a few places where it's not clear who's speaking.

The scattered parts are getting stitched together. It's important that everything that gets mentioned in a story serves a vital purpose. Especially in a short story, there's no room for decoration. With a little more tightening and 'smoothening' I think you'll get there.
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Old 03-11-2014, 03:58 PM   #104
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v1.7

The first time you mention Mr Zant it's not clear that he's south-guy. Say his name the first time, and don't call him guy from South after that.
I thought I mentioned this in the very 2nd paragraph:

Spoiler:
Among the crowd was a guy from the South, Mr. Zant; he was a friend of one of my father's friends.


I dunno if we're on the same page about this or or if I missed something.

Fixed the other instances. Now the
Spoiler:
guy from the south
gets mentioned just once.

Last edited by mrmarlowe; 03-11-2014 at 04:01 PM.
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Old 03-11-2014, 04:07 PM   #105
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But, if I hadn't spend the last few days looking at your stories I probably wouldn't have seen as much that I need to work on in this one of mine as I have today. It's been very helpful for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrmarlowe View Post
Is it same genre as crisis of faith?
Yes, Fantasy.

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