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Old 05-12-2013, 09:55 PM   #1
Gregg Bell
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looking for feedback on three novel blurbs

Any feedback or suggestions are welcome. Thank you!

#1) Jamie's Gamble

This is twenty-one-year-old Jamie Thompson’s last chance. She desperately needs to get out from under the wing of her dominating father, and this time she has the perfect plan. A college friend who lives in a west Texas border town has an accounting job lined up for her, but when Jamie gets there, the job has fallen through. But there is a job open at the Double D Bar & Grill, a rowdy cowboy bar. One thing’s for sure, Jamie’s not going home to her father, and she’s waitressed before so she knows what to expect, and so—broke, on her own for the first time in her life, and sixteen hundred miles from home—she goes for it.

What she wasn’t expecting was falling in love. With a man who might be a murderer.


#2) Man of God

Reverend John Archer used to be a good man. But the merciless street gangs in his impoverished Chicago neighborhood have made him grow tired of turning the other cheek. So when he witnesses a gang execution of an upstanding fourteen-year-old boy, Archer ignores the ’hood’s unwritten law of ‘do not snitch’ and gives a statement to the police. And in the process makes himself and his family a target.

Now Archer has to choose—obey his God or protect his family.


#3) The Find

Thirty-two-year-old cleaning lady, Phoebe Jackson, is going down fast. She had to quit college when her husband left her. She works a twelve-hour graveyard shift at a mobster-frequented health club. Every month is a struggle just to make rent. Phoebe knows her crisis isn’t the world’s, but when her youngest daughter becomes desperately ill and Phoebe can’t afford health insurance for her that’s the last straw.

That’s why finding a diamond bejeweled Rolex in one of the mobsters’ lockers has her deciding to pawn it.

But the watch is a fake and the mobster finds out she took it.
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Old 05-13-2013, 07:49 AM   #2
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The first two I like, but the third.. I think that last line needs help. Maybe...

"That is until the mobster finds out she took it"

?

I am HORRIBLE at blurbs, so do not take my advice to highly.
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:38 AM   #3
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#3 can be edited down:

Quote:
#3) The Find

Thirty-two-year-old cleaning lady, Phoebe Jackson, is going down fast. She had to quit college when her husband left her. She works a twelve-hour graveyard shift at a mobster-frequented health club. Every month is a struggle just to make rent. The last straw is when her youngest daughter becomes desperately ill and Phoebe can’t afford health insurance.

That’s why finding a bejeweled Rolex in one of the mobsters’ lockers has her deciding to pawn it.

But the watch is a fake and the mobster finds out she took it.
i do think you needs one better last line. What happens when she finds the watch is a fake etc?
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Old 05-13-2013, 01:09 PM   #4
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# 2 looks to be the best of them. It sets the stage and keeps us in suspense. # 3 kinda goes clunk at the end. We know if he has discovered she took it that something will happen. But why the worry if the watch is a fake? I'd be more worried if it were real and she had stolen it.

#1 doesn't go far enough I think. If she were to find one of the victims and have suspicions about the man she is falling in love with it would ratchet up the tension.
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Old 05-13-2013, 01:35 PM   #5
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I think #1 is needlessly wordy. For example, I don't care that the friend was from college or that Jamie has previous waitressing experience.

I like #2. I'd read that book.

I agree that #3 needs help. It reads like there was care in crafting the prose of the first paragraph, but then the payoff sentences were just rushed in at the last second. It reminds me of the reports I used to turn in in school, when I'd realize I hadn't written a closing paragraph just as the teacher was collecting the paper from the person right in front of me. "umm....And then she died. The end."

Last edited by ApK; 05-13-2013 at 01:40 PM.
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Old 05-13-2013, 02:24 PM   #6
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Thanks for the great feedback. You've given me a lot of great ideas for how to improve them.
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Old 05-13-2013, 09:48 PM   #7
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looking for feedback on two tweaked ebook (novel) blurbs

Any and all feedback or suggestions will be appreciated. Thanks!

#1) The Find

When thirty-two-year-old cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson finished swabbing the toilets at Players health club, she went out and bought a gun. She’s scared. She’s found a diamond bejeweled Rolex in one of the lockers in the mob-frequented health club and decided to pawn it, which promises to bring in thousands of dollars and is the only way Phoebe will be able to purchase health insurance for her desperately ill daughter. But the watch turns out to be a fake and the mobster whose locker she found it in finds out she took it.

#2) Jamie's Gamble

Jamie Thompson has never done anything wrong. She’s been the perfect daughter in a perfect world. She’s gone to the best schools, known all the right people, done all the right things, and as soon as she graduates college her father’s expecting her to take over the family company. But Jamie is dying inside, and she desperately needs to get out from under the wing of her dominating father. Now she’s got the perfect plan. A friend who lives in a west Texas border town has an accounting job lined up for her, but when Jamie gets there, the job has fallen through. But there is a job open at the Double D Bar & Grill, a rowdy cowboy bar. One thing’s for sure, Jamie’s not going home to her father, and so—broke, on her own for the first time in her life, and sixteen hundred miles from home—she goes for it.

What she wasn’t expecting was falling in love. With a man who might be a murderer.
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:45 PM   #8
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on #1 - does it matter how old she is? and also, if the daughter is already ill, I don't think even thousands of dollars can purchase health insurance - generally (until the Affordable Health Care act goes into effect) there's a 1-year pre-existing conditions exclusion.

The lasts sentence strikes my ear as awkward, but I can't define why... something about all those clauses and "the mobster who owns it.."

Do you really want to make your heroine be a thief?

On #2, you can omit the first sentence, and say that "Jamie Thompson has been the perfect daughter..." You also don't need to define that she was looking for an accounting job, if it fell through, unless her being good at accounting is part of the plot. "when a promised job falls through, Jamie..."

also, since it's clear that she's not going home, does it matter how many miles from home she is?

just off the top of my head reactions. I'm not great at writing blurbs, myself.
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Old 05-14-2013, 03:04 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeccaPrice View Post

On #2, you can omit the first sentence, and say that "Jamie Thompson has been the perfect daughter..." You also don't need to define that she was looking for an accounting job, if it fell through, unless her being good at accounting is part of the plot. "when a promised job falls through, Jamie..."

also, since it's clear that she's not going home, does it matter how many miles from home she is?

just off the top of my head reactions. I'm not great at writing blurbs, myself.
I agree with those suggestions.
If those details are not communicating something that makes the reader want to buy the book, why are they in the blurb? It certainly doesn't FEEL like they are communicating something important to me.

If they ARE supposed to be communicating something to me, then they aren't working.

Maybe you do want to show the white collar accounting job she expected
sharply contrasted to the blue collar waitress job she got. That makes sense if you're trying to communicate the fish-out-of-water element. But as it is, that association is not strong enough.
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Old 05-17-2013, 12:41 PM   #10
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I re-did the blurb for Jamie's Gamble. Any feedback or suggestions? Thanks.

Jamie Thompson is the perfect person. Her CEO father has made of sure of that. She has the perfect manners, a perfect tennis backhand and a perfect life. Her father has groomed her to take the helm of the family company when she graduates college in a year.

Jamie has a silver spoon in her mouth—and she’s gagging on it.

She has to get away.

Now she’s come up with the perfect plan. A friend in a west Texas border town has lined up an accounting job for her, but when Jamie gets there the job has fallen through. But there’s a waitress position open at a bar and grill, and so, broke, sixteen hundred miles from home and alone for the first time in her life, she goes for it.

What she finds is a world of gun-toting cowboys, Mexican drug gangs, the occult, and that there’s been a string of brutal rapes and murders. And Ricky Benson, a flame-throwing baseball pitcher, fallen from grace, who she falls head over heels in love with.

But the violence escalates. A fellow waitress is murdered and Jamie feels like she might be next. Then Ricky Benson is accused of murder.

Jamie can make one phone call and her father will send the company jet for her—or she can stay.
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Old 05-17-2013, 12:56 PM   #11
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Now I want to read that book.
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:14 PM   #12
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So, the blurb is much better, but it reads rough. It might just be me, the content is great, loads and loads better, but the English feels a bit broken. Maybe its all the hard stops in the flow? Not sure.
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Old 05-17-2013, 09:27 PM   #13
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I'm inclined to agree with this ^^^

A few things. This sentence "Her CEO father has made of sure of that" is redundant because "Her father has groomed her ..." tells us the same thing. Watch the excess "but"s, "now"s and "and"s, I think they are the bumps in the flow and indicate sentences that may need to be restructured.
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Old 05-17-2013, 09:34 PM   #14
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Thanks guys. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
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