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Old 04-24-2013, 02:45 PM   #6436
DianNC
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Please accept my apologies in advance if this has been posted here previously...


A Greek and an Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women..."
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:50 PM   #6437
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Is that a sandwich?
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Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid.
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Old 04-24-2013, 04:25 PM   #6438
DianNC
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Fbone...Your daily one-liners always make me giggle
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Old 04-24-2013, 05:24 PM   #6439
wodin
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered..
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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Old 04-24-2013, 11:24 PM   #6440
DianNC
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A man walks into a bar one night and overhears three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"

So he apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing he ever remembered.
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Old 04-25-2013, 04:27 PM   #6441
PeterT
Taking a break; Fed up
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After a long marriage a man dies.

Shortly after his death, his wive dies to.

When she later finds him in the afterlife she's excited and hugs him "Oh darling, what great luck that I find you here."

The man looks up amazed and mumbles "Don't you start again, now. You know the vow was "till death us part" ... so ...
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Old 04-25-2013, 06:41 PM   #6442
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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I can never finish cleaning my room because I get distracted by all the cool stuff I find.
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Old 04-25-2013, 07:34 PM   #6443
WT Sharpe
Grand Muckity-Muck
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I can never finish cleaning my room because I get distracted by all the cool stuff I find.
Funny because it's true! (I'm easily distracted.)
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Old 04-26-2013, 09:09 AM   #6444
issybird
o saeclum infacetum
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Old 04-26-2013, 09:22 AM   #6445
HomeInMyShoes
Ginormous Intergalactic
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^Haha. I wonder how the mom next door deals with it though.
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Old 04-26-2013, 12:25 PM   #6446
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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I can never finish cleaning my room because I get distracted by all the cool stuff I find.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WT Sharpe View Post
Funny because it's true! (I'm easily distracted.)
Absolutely! It shows our age by our new found forgetfulness but also by the fact that throughout all those years we've been able to collect so much amazing stuff...

(Now, if I could only find that ol' PRS500... I know it's in this room but where...)
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Old 04-26-2013, 01:15 PM   #6447
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Absolutely! It shows our age by our new found forgetfulness but also by the fact that throughout all those years we've been able to collect so much amazing stuff...

(Now, if I could only find that ol' PRS500... I know it's in this room but where...)
I cherish my new (well maybe not so new) found forgetfulness, I get to read and enjoy books again, and again, and again...
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Old 04-26-2013, 05:31 PM   #6448
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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When all else fails, I take a nap.
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Old 04-26-2013, 08:01 PM   #6449
dreams
It's about the umbrella
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What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?



"Lazy."
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Old 04-27-2013, 07:04 AM   #6450
orlok
Getting back into it
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What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?

"Lazy."
That's fightin' talk!
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