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Old 04-22-2013, 03:50 PM   #6421
WT Sharpe
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A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

Last edited by WT Sharpe; 04-22-2013 at 03:57 PM.
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:46 PM   #6422
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Is that a sandwich?
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Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
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Old 04-22-2013, 05:02 PM   #6423
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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And now even a banana would be funnier than you
You're right. Bananas are funnier.

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Old 04-22-2013, 06:01 PM   #6424
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WT Sharpe View Post
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
Like it!
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Old 04-22-2013, 06:18 PM   #6425
pilotbob
Grand Sorcerer
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"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.


I did not see that coming.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:50 AM   #6426
Lynx-lynx
The look ....
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A Must read for Grandparents.


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old players aside and asked, 'Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The
little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an
out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you
understand all that? '

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or
shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and
explain all that to your grandmother!'
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:53 AM   #6427
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The look ....
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DRUGS IN SPORT

The PM has announced that Lawn bowls is a hotbed of drug use, with sports scientists using all sorts of concoctions to keep players alive for their next game. Most of these drugs are being manufactured in highly sophisticated and advanced drug labs in Switzerland, USA and Germany.

There is also evidence of widespread corruption, with meat raffle prizes, free beer and free rinse and perms being offered to bribe players to keep quiet about the sport’s sordid goings on. One player was offered a closer car parking space to the club if he would share his drugs with the Secretary of the club who was having problems with staying alert during bingo nights.

Arthur Crimshaw, head of Australian Bowling, vehemently denies any wrong doing saying it is perfectly natural for players to want to be kept fit and more importantly alive. But he refused to answer many questions at a press conference, mainly because his hearing aid was turned down too low.

Some players have been found to be wearing electronic devices to artificially stimulate their heart, giving them an advantage over other players who don’t use the device and are … well, dead.

Others are taking dozens of stimulants to keep them awake during the game. These drugs have also been passed or peddled in club bar rooms to spectators so they don’t fall asleep when games are televised. Dozens of used pill containers have been found in club change rooms and lockers.

The use of pain killers is totally out of control the Sports Minister screamed. PM Julia Gillard looked genuinely shocked and said it was a national disgrace that needs to be eradicated.

Another serious problem is alcohol consumption not only after games but alarmingly during games. The Sports Minister said the situation was intolerable and was sending a dreadful message to not only children but 30 to 50 year olds.

The government has announced a probe into the sport. Crimshaw said his players were used to probes, just as long as they’ve been sterilized and are not too cold.

Last edited by Lynx-lynx; 04-23-2013 at 03:01 AM.
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Old 04-23-2013, 03:08 PM   #6428
orlok
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A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Old 04-23-2013, 03:58 PM   #6429
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Hits on cute cashier girl. Credit card declined.
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Old 04-24-2013, 12:55 AM   #6430
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Snoozing in the sun
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A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:18 AM   #6431
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Hits on cute cashier girl. Credit card declined.
Good for the guy! A credit card is only declined after its microchip has already gone through the slot.

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Old 04-24-2013, 11:17 AM   #6432
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Old 04-24-2013, 12:30 PM   #6433
MJK2111
FUBAR!
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If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 oranges, how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don’t wear hats.
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Old 04-24-2013, 12:33 PM   #6434
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You're right. Bananas are funnier.

Thanks, Fbone, for the appealing picture...
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Old 04-24-2013, 01:35 PM   #6435
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Peanuts 'toon of the day...

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