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Old 02-05-2013, 06:00 AM   #23461
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Cleaning day. Also I made baked potatoes topped with unsalted beurre, and dirty rice. My first attempt at both - the dirty rice didn't go well but baked potato is the easiest thing on earth

Red bull then and iced water now.

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Cappuccino in my cup, nicely complemented with a 'koffiekoek' (don't know the English word: coffee cake? viennoiserie?) which I made myself last night, in class

We had a pretty 'rough' weekend. We want to move to a cheaper apartment near our piece of land so we can save some more money. Saw something great this weekend, but when we called to tell them we wanted to rent it they told us another couple had already signed the papers ...
When we told our parents, they said they would be happy to take us in for a couple of years. They live nowhere near our future house, but the 'rent' they ask is just ridiculous! If we move in with them, we can save 1000€ each every month! So that's at least 24.000€ just in one year, and we could really use that money for our house. It also means no household chores while we are building!
Of course, we'd only have one room, hardly any privacy, going to work will take us a lot longer. And we'd have to hope our cats and my parent's cat will get along ...

So we really don't know what to do. Any thoughts? Advice is more than welcome!
I wouldn't be so sure about the "no household chores" part, Iri. Of course your parents would offer to do those nasty work for you but we both know it's just not right to delegate all chores to our parents Eventually the chores, the breach of privacy, the long hours to work and your building site would catch up with you.
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Old 02-05-2013, 06:02 AM   #23462
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So we really don't know what to do. Any thoughts? Advice is more than welcome!
First, the vital info: Coke Zero #1 in my cup. And I am sticking to just two Cokes a day.

And now I can give my free and worth-what-you-paid-for-it advice.

It sounds like a really generous offer to me. And if you get on well with your parents, go for it. But do make sure you have a definite plan and timetable. Even if it gets altered, it's much better to be able to talk about why the timetable is being altered than not to have one at all.

And I think that amward's idea is an excellent way to cut short the arrangement if it becomes too fraught.

P.S. If you do decide to go for this, think very carefully before putting any of your current household stuff into store. It may well be cheaper to sell/give away most of it and re-buy when you move into your own place, than to have it stored for two (or more!) years.

Last edited by pdurrant; 02-05-2013 at 06:04 AM.
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Old 02-05-2013, 06:10 AM   #23463
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My cup is empty at the moment, but will soon be filled with green tea.

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Guess it depends on how well you get on with them. Can you try it for a while and get somewhere else if it doesn't work? You could use the excuse of needing to be nearer your house block to save hurt feelings.
We get on great, that's not the part I'm worried about. I'm more worried about losing our independence and how that will affect us. But we did talk about moving out again after a couple of months if it really is too hard.

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I wouldn't be so sure about the "no household chores" part, Iri. Of course your parents would offer to do those nasty work for you but we both know it's just not right to delegate all chores to our parents Eventually the chores, the breach of privacy, the long hours to work and your building site would catch up with you.
Oh I know I'll do some things. Cook every now and then, hang the washing out to dry. But you can't compare helping clean the house and occasionally doing the weekly shopping with running your own household. My mom doesn't work anymore, and she does most of the cleaning and washing during the week anyway. While the rest of the family is at work or in school.

I also know all those things will catch up with us, whether we live with my parents or in our own place. We'd still have long hours at work, chores and building. We already know it's going to be a rough couple of years. Question is if it will be even rougher if we live with my parents.

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First, the vital info: Coke Zero #1 in my cup. And I am sticking to just two Cokes a day.

And now I can give my free and worth-what-you-paid-for-it advice.

It sounds like a really generous offer to me. And if you get on well with your parents, go for it. But do make sure you have a definite plan and timetable. Even if it gets altered, it's much better to be able to talk about why the timetable is being altered than not to have one at all.

And I think that amward's idea is an excellent way to cut short the arrangement if it becomes too fraught.

P.S. If you do decide to go for this, think very carefully before putting any of your current household stuff into store. It may well be cheaper to sell/give away most of it and re-buy when you move into your own place, than to have it stored for two (or more!) years.
It's very generous. The definite plan idea sounds good. We would move into our own house as soon as possible anyway, but picking a date makes it even more 'bearable'.
We wouldn't have to rent storage units, my parents have lots of room where we can put furniture. We'll also sell some things that we won't be using in our house anyway.

It's really distracting me, I can't seem to focus on work. I hope we'll be able to make a decision soon. Thanks for all the advice guys, you're all great

Last edited by Iridal; 02-05-2013 at 06:13 AM.
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Old 02-05-2013, 06:15 AM   #23464
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When we told our parents, they said they would be happy to take us in for a couple of years. They live nowhere near our future house, but the 'rent' they ask is just ridiculous! .........
So we really don't know what to do. Any thoughts? Advice is more than welcome!
Danger. Danger. Danger...... Tread carefully here.

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Guess it depends on how well you get on with them.
Even more than that. It depends upon how well you get on with your boyfriend AND your parents, all in the same confines.

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Eventually the chores, the breach of privacy, the long hours to work and your building site would catch up with you.
And THIS to me is the most important... This will be an extremely high stress period in your life. Will the 'no privacy' create more stress? Or will living with your parents reduce it? It will be somewhat like 'traveling' for your boyfriend, and we all know that travel can put amazing stresses upon a relationship. Has he given thought to how he will feel living with YOUR parents? It's different for him than living with his. The ability to save a great deal of money may/may not be worth the effects these living conditions have on your relationships (note the plural.)

I'm going to sit back, drink a mug of Keemun tea, and think about how "I" would feel in this same situation... having been there myself once or twice!

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Old 02-05-2013, 06:45 AM   #23465
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Even more than that. It depends upon how well you get on with your boyfriend AND your parents, all in the same confines.

And THIS to me is the most important... This will be an extremely high stress period in your life. Will the 'no privacy' create more stress? Or will living with your parents reduce it? It will be somewhat like 'traveling' for your boyfriend, and we all know that travel can put amazing stresses upon a relationship. Has he given thought to how he will feel living with YOUR parents? It's different for him than living with his. The ability to save a great deal of money may/may not be worth the effects these living conditions have on your relationships (note the plural.)

I'm going to sit back, drink a mug of Keemun tea, and think about how "I" would feel in this same situation... having been there myself once or twice!

Stitchawl
My BF and parents get on well. My brother (who still lives at home) and BF get on great. They behave more like two brothers than two people who didn't know each other until just a little more than a year ago.

I've asked him several times if he thinks he'll be OK living there. Because living there and visiting them for one day is not the same thing at all. He says 'yes'. He likes my parents. We'd make our bedroom and the adjoining library into our own sanctuary where we can spend time together. But I know he hasn't really thought it through. I have a feeling we'll spend the next couple of evenings talking about this.
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:12 AM   #23466
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My BF and parents get on well. My brother (who still lives at home) and BF get on great. They behave more like two brothers than two people who didn't know each other until just a little more than a year ago.

I've asked him several times if he thinks he'll be OK living there. Because living there and visiting them for one day is not the same thing at all. He says 'yes'. He likes my parents. We'd make our bedroom and the adjoining library into our own sanctuary where we can spend time together. But I know he hasn't really thought it through. I have a feeling we'll spend the next couple of evenings talking about this.
Is it possible for the two of you to make a trial run? Spend a week there and see how it feels. Another consideration is how your parents will feel after a few months. You will be house guests for a long time, and you know the old saying about house guests and fish...

When I separated from my first wife I moved back into my old bedroom in my parents place. They had no objection to my being there, but after having the house to themselves for three years it certainly made a difference in their daily routines.

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Old 02-05-2013, 07:19 AM   #23467
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Cleaning day. ... the dirty rice didn't go well
Surprised??
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:38 AM   #23468
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Danger. Danger. Danger...... Tread carefully here.

Stitchawl

I am with Stichawl on this one. Sure its a great momentary gain, but emotionally I think it could potentially be extremely costly. I would advise against it.

If you do it, as other said, you need a time table and clear agreement of boundaries up front. And by clear, I mean written out and agreed upon.

Brewing me up some Black Silk in my travel mug...
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:41 AM   #23469
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Cleaning day. Also I made baked potatoes topped with unsalted beurre, and dirty rice. My first attempt at both - the dirty rice didn't go well but baked potato is the easiest thing on earth
Dirty rice 'should be' good, but ya gotta use real Cajun ingredients. No substitutions! It's a favorite in our house. Try again with 'this' recipe.

Where it says 'Cajun Seasoning' try using one or two Tablespoons of this mix:
2 1/2 tablespoons salt
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon paprika
1 tablespoon cayenne pepper (It HAS to be cayenne, don't use Thai prik!)
1 tablespoon 'freshly ground' black pepper (NOT already ground in the bottle!)


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Old 02-05-2013, 08:16 AM   #23470
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Iced water (well, water that used to have ice in it) in my cup.

I'll offer up my own little experience of moving back in with parents. We were moving to be nearer my parents, with two children (6 and 3) and one on the way. We intended staying for just six weeks over the summer, but our house purchase fell through, and we ended up staying for six months. It actually was a very pleasant time, for all of us I think.

It all depends on whether any party has unrealistic expectations.
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Old 02-05-2013, 08:21 AM   #23471
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Old 02-05-2013, 08:31 AM   #23472
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It is a very generous offer and the savings are massive.

How long have you lived indpedently? I am sure your parents will be fine with your coming and going but you are going to have to be more careful with when you come home and checking in so you don't wake them up or worry them.

Saving money on rent is balanced not only with smaller living quarters and family, Mom, Dad, and brother, but a longer commute. You already don't like the commute you have now. Is an increase going to be worth the money saved? It is not only additional time away from your boyfriend and the things you like to do but now it is additional time you cannot spend working on the new house or time you need to rest and relax.

And there are cats to think about. Can you introduce your cat to your parents and see if they get along? You adopted the little one and made it a part of your family. If he is going to be unhappy for a minimum of two years is it worth the stress to him?

And you are going to end up doing more around the house and probably paying some of the utilities. You know that you are likely to feel like a freeloader if you don't.

If it were me, I would say thanks but no thanks. My Hubby would go nuts, he likes having his own space. I would have said thanks but no thanks before I was married as well. I love my parents and have a great relationship with them but I value my independence. Toss in the additional commute and I would really say no thanks. I changed companies to avoid adding 20 minutes onto my commute. I value being close to work so that I have more time with my family and for sleep.
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Old 02-05-2013, 09:31 AM   #23473
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How long have you lived indpedently? I am sure your parents will be fine with your coming and going but you are going to have to be more careful with when you come home and checking in so you don't wake them up or worry them.
My parents had a very good method of 'checking' on us (my brother and I) to know if we were home or not. This began when we were older teenagers, and they kept the same method when I moved back in after separating from my wife.

The hall table lamp. The last person in at night would turn it off. If my parent woke up at 4am and the lamp was still on, they would worry. But if it was off, all were home safe and sound asleep. No need to open doors to check. We never had a curfew, and simply had to be home at a 'reasonable' hour during the week, a bit later on the weekends. If we were going to be out late, an early phone call was expected. Even as an older teenager I'd disappear for 2-3 days without pre-plan, but a phone call saying I'd be gone was required. By the same token, when I moved back in with them, if THEY were going to be out late, or going away somewhere, they would call and let ME know.

Living with other people requires a lot of give and take on all sides. I had many friends who always had several room mates, even as adults. I always preferred to live alone or with a lover. I couldn't stand the idea of a room mate, and even though the price was right living with my folks, I only put up with it for six months before I moved 3,000 miles away.


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Old 02-05-2013, 09:55 AM   #23474
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Is it possible for the two of you to make a trial run? Spend a week there and see how it feels. Another consideration is how your parents will feel after a few months. You will be house guests for a long time, and you know the old saying about house guests and fish...

When I separated from my first wife I moved back into my old bedroom in my parents place. They had no objection to my being there, but after having the house to themselves for three years it certainly made a difference in their daily routines.

Stitchawl
My parents have 4 kids, 2 of them still live at home. So they've never had the house to themselves. My youngest sister is still in school and will be for another couple of years. We'll be gone again before she is. So I don't think that's a big issue.

A trial run is difficult. They are renovating all the bedrooms right now. One free bedroom will become the library this week, my old bedroom is a storage room at the moment. If we decide to move in, they will renovate my room as well. But right now there's no way they can put a bed in there, and I think they don't even have any spare beds.

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Iced water (well, water that used to have ice in it) in my cup.

I'll offer up my own little experience of moving back in with parents. We were moving to be nearer my parents, with two children (6 and 3) and one on the way. We intended staying for just six weeks over the summer, but our house purchase fell through, and we ended up staying for six months. It actually was a very pleasant time, for all of us I think.

It all depends on whether any party has unrealistic expectations.
I've been hearing this quite a lot ...

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Originally Posted by VydorScope View Post
I am with Stichawl on this one. Sure its a great momentary gain, but emotionally I think it could potentially be extremely costly. I would advise against it.

If you do it, as other said, you need a time table and clear agreement of boundaries up front. And by clear, I mean written out and agreed upon.

Brewing me up some Black Silk in my travel mug...
... but this as well. I just don't know how we can predict this emotional cost. Right now I just feel we have to move in to know how everyone will react to the new living arrangements. And then just keep a close eye on everyone's mood and interactions.
One thing we did talk about already is spending a weekend away from home every other month. Just to have some quality time with just the two of us. And to minimize the stress building a house will bring along.

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It is a very generous offer and the savings are massive.

How long have you lived indpedently? I am sure your parents will be fine with your coming and going but you are going to have to be more careful with when you come home and checking in so you don't wake them up or worry them.
For about 4 years. It will definitely take time getting used to checking in again. But we don't really go out that much. Usually when we're away at night, we are at a friend's house. And those 'meetings' are usually planned weeks before, because we all have busy schedules.

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Originally Posted by ProfCrash View Post
Saving money on rent is balanced not only with smaller living quarters and family, Mom, Dad, and brother, but a longer commute. You already don't like the commute you have now. Is an increase going to be worth the money saved? It is not only additional time away from your boyfriend and the things you like to do but now it is additional time you cannot spend working on the new house or time you need to rest and relax.
I would probably work from home a lot more. My employer is going to promote working at home most days in the immediate future anyway. Good timing It'll take an extra 30 minutes to get to work, and an extra 30 minutes to get home. It's a lot, but I can live with it. Especially since my mom's car is available every day (she can't drive anymore because she has major balance-issues), so I can take the car to the train station. Or even to work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ProfCrash View Post
And there are cats to think about. Can you introduce your cat to your parents and see if they get along? You adopted the little one and made it a part of your family. If he is going to be unhappy for a minimum of two years is it worth the stress to him?
My parents have met my cats, and they get along fine. The question is if they will get along with my parent's cat. We do worry about Oni. She's so shy and scared so easily. If the cats really don't get along, we'd move out again. It could also be a positive thing for them. Once we start building, we'll never be home. So if we live with my parents, they still get attention even though we're not there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ProfCrash View Post
And you are going to end up doing more around the house and probably paying some of the utilities. You know that you are likely to feel like a freeloader if you don't.

If it were me, I would say thanks but no thanks. My Hubby would go nuts, he likes having his own space. I would have said thanks but no thanks before I was married as well. I love my parents and have a great relationship with them but I value my independence. Toss in the additional commute and I would really say no thanks. I changed companies to avoid adding 20 minutes onto my commute. I value being close to work so that I have more time with my family and for sleep.
Doing things around the house? Definitely. I love cooking, there's no way I won't cook for two years. I'll probably drive my mom around, and take her grocery shopping. Paying for utilities? Probably not. We'd probably buy them dinner every now and then. Give them a little present.

The one thing I keep thinking is: it's only temporary. Yes, it will be difficult at times, but we know at all times that it won't be forever. And if it means we can save enough money to finish our house instead of having to save money after we've moved in to finish everything ... Maybe that is worth it.

Wow, I deserve a cup of cappuccino after such a long post! Getting a refill right now
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Old 02-05-2013, 10:17 AM   #23475
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Ultimately, everyone and every situation is different. I would rather spend the money myself, I do not think they emotional cost, and the risk to the relationships is worth any price that can be paid with money... but I know some people make it work, so maybe you will get lucky.
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