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Old 01-08-2013, 07:59 AM   #5896
wannabee
Media Bloke
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An oldie but a goodie.

Candidate for a Pullet Surprise
by Mark Eckman and Jerrold H. Zar

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:23 AM   #5897
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Grand Muckity-Muck
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Ummm ... I'm afraid to ask which "e."
"Axcept."

I just edited the post to reflect that.
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:53 AM   #5898
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binomial: homo legentem
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proudly announce the "edition" of a new member
George 2.0
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Old 01-08-2013, 01:01 PM   #5899
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Feliz Fowlidad!
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George 2.0
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Old 01-08-2013, 01:27 PM   #5900
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
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Old 01-09-2013, 10:18 AM   #5901
steven522
binomial: homo legentem
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Speaking of Windows... Not really a joke, but humorous nonetheless.

Our company has a policy of "OS skip" when it comes to Windows:
- We are skipping Windows 8 and leaving Windows 7 on all systems for now.
- We skipped Vista and left Windows XP.
- We skipped Windows ME and left Windows 98.

The reasoning is that every other release by Microsoft has been a nightmare that gets more-or-less corrected in the followup in-between. Here's to whatever comes after "8"...
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Old 01-09-2013, 04:51 PM   #5902
phenomshel
ZCD BombShel
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Our store director likes to inform us via notes on the time clock that if we don't follow rule something or other that "disciplanary" action will be taken.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:03 PM   #5903
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Sign in a laundromat: “Automatic washing machines. Remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”
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Old 01-10-2013, 02:41 AM   #5904
guanaco
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There were four country churches in a small town: one Presbyterian, one Baptist, one Methodist, and one Catholic. One day, the four churches were infested by squirrels.

The Presbyterian church convened a meeting to decide what to do with the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, the Assembly determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and that they should not interfere with God's will.

In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken refuge in the baptismal font. The elders got together and decided to put a lid on the font and drown the squirrels there. Somehow, the squirrels escaped and the following week they had doubled their number.

In the Methodist church, the faithful came together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any creature of God. So they carefully caught all the squirrels and set them free a few kilometers outside of the town. Three days later, the squirrels had returned.

The Catholic church had the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now the squirrels only show on Christmas and on Easter Sunday.
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:51 AM   #5905
orlok
Getting back into it
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My wife and I were overjoyed when our new baby arrived. I walked proudly into the Registry Office to officially register her name:

"We'd like to call her Charlotte."

"Sorry," said the clerk. "Charlotte has already been assigned. You can have Charlotte3549 or Charlotte_23."
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Old 01-10-2013, 12:59 PM   #5906
Nexutix
with TBR of 500+ !!!
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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Spoiler:
Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!
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Old 01-10-2013, 02:55 PM   #5907
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:12 AM   #5908
guanaco
Brains!
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Why the chicken crossed the road?

Choose your answer.

Elementary school teacher: Because he wanted to arrive to the other side.

Middle school teacher: Even if I explain it, my dear little beasts, you will not understand.

College teacher: In order to know why the chicken crossed the road (and this will be in tomorrow's midterm) you need to read the textbook... from page 2 to page 3050.

Buddha: Asking that negates the chicken's nature.

The Bible: And God descended from Heaven and said to the chicken "cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road. And God saw that it was good.

Socrates: Do you know what a chicken is?

Plato: Because he wanted to get out of the cave.

Aristotle: It is in chickens nature to cross the road.

Machiavelli: The question is the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justify the means.

Columbus: To go where not other chicken has gone before.

Descartes: The chicken crossed the road and then existed.

Shakespeare: To be.

Darwin: Over long periods of time, chickens have been naturally selected so they now have a genetic disposition to cross roads.

Einstein: If the chicken has crossed the road, or the road has moved below the chicken's feet, depends on your frame of reference.

Freud: The fact that you are worried because the chicken crosses or not the road reveals your own sexual insecurities.

Paulo Coelho: The entire universe conspired to make the chicken cross the road.

Martin Luther King: I have a dream that one day this nation will stop questioning if the chicken crossed the road or not.

Fidel Castro: Chickens can only cross roads inside Cuba... and only if they are chased by a Yankee.

Hugo Chavez: The chicken crossed the road because he is a puppy of the Empire... I smell of sulphur.

George W. Bush: The &*?@! bastard chicken crossed the road because he hates American people. And he hates us because we love freedom... But we got him... God bless the U.S.A.

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because he wanted change.

Yoda: Temptation of dark side of the force strong is. Chicken could not resist and the road crossed was.

Homer Simpson: mmmm... chicken!
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:35 AM   #5909
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Choose your answer.

....
Apple: iChicken has changed forever the way roads are crossed. Now, just downloading the Cross App from iTunes, every Apple approved chicken can cross Apple approved roads. Even if he doesn't want to.

Microsoft: A bug prevented the chicken from staying on this side of the road. Chicken 8 SP2 will address this issue (KB093364527)

Kindle: Due to Copyright and Geo-restiction issues, Amazon had to put your chicken on the other side of the road. It's all in the small print of your TOS.

Apple (2): Because it's the right thing to do. You cannot have it any other way. Every chicken have to be on the other side.

Commodore: we had the first chicken to cross a road ever. But the market wasn't ready for it.

Linux: because the chicken package was not supported on this side of the road. But you can change the chicken's source code as you wish.

Accenture: Here's a 48 slide powerpoint showing you that the chicken crossed the road because he wanted to. We will send our million dollar bill for the consultancy ASAP. And we will keep the chicken.

Nielsen: 75,46% of chicken in the consumer market cross roads.

Robert Johnson: "he was standing at the crossroad and he fell down on his knees..."

Eric Clapton: "he was standing at the crossroad and he fell down on his knees..."
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:49 AM   #5910
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About Italian chickens:

Berlusconi: I am the best chicken of the last 150 years. I had to cross that road because of those communist policemen and judges who are conspiring against me.

Berlusconi (2): the ckicken saw a big-boobies chick on the other side.

FIAT: the chicken had plenty of time to cross the road before our speeding car was there.

Prada: she was performing a fashion show for our new feather collection.

Cosa Nostra: he couldn't refuse our proposal to cross the road.

Cosa Nostra (2): I did not see any chicken. I did not hear any chicken. I won't talk about chickens.

Ferrari F1: Vettel's Red Bull was already there.

Juventus FC: he crossed the road to assign us a penalty shoot and to let us win the Championship. We paid him for that.

Every Italian TV Station: Belen Rodriguez is having a baby. Her tits are getting bigger.

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