Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[guanaco]

Originally Posted by Angst

For about two months in elementary school all the boys were talking about vag-(rhymes with fag)-in-(rhymes with fin)-as-(pronounced ahs) because I had only read the word, and never heard it.

That looks like the word is pronounced in Spanish.

Back on topic...

Why the chicken went to the rotisserie?
To watch some hot chicks!

[wodin]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

We now have a full nation of people singing at 'Carry-O-kee' clubs... rather than kah-rah-o-keh clubs. And most of us 'Muricans' grew up thinking people drank 'sack-ee' and killed themselves by committing 'harry-carry.' (sock-eh and hara-kiri)


Stitchawl

I spent ten years working for a Japanese war baby who immigrated at the age of nine. Sam’s English was impeccable with a Hawaiian accent, but his formative years living in Japan showed through in his pronunciation of Anglicized Japanese words.

Your phonetic spelling of those brings back fond memories of my friend Sam.

[orlok]

The barman said to me, "I've hired a bagpipes player for tonight."

"What's the occasion?" I asked

"I want to close early."

(apologies to our bagpipe fanciers, of whom I know there are a few on MR, Stitchy included. I know I shouldn't be mocking the afflicted ).

[Fbone]

Oldie but goodie:

Rules for Writers

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.

Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don’t use no double negatives.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Kill all exclamation points!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

[poohbear_nc]

Why the chicken went to the rotisserie?
To watch some hot chicks!

Where? Where? Ouch!

[wannabee]

Originally Posted by orlok

The barman said to me, "I've hired a bagpipes player for tonight."

"What's the occasion?" I asked

"I want to close early."

Haha - the publican at our local when wanting to get rid of the tourists would play very very loud opera. It worked, but us dedicated drinkers were immune.

[Fbone]

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

She commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by Fbone

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

She commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

I'm guilty!

[orlok]

Originally Posted by Fbone

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

She commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Little Susie is standing on the bathroom scales.

"Does it hurt?" says Little Johnny.

"No," says Susie. "Why should it hurt?"

"Well," says Johnny, "every time mummy stands on there she screams her head off."

[WT Sharpe]

I work in genius central. True Story: This week a note was posted on the bulletin board letting all shifts know that if a certain group was to send us a certain item, we were to "except" it. Well, just to show that not everyone where I work is totally ignorant of the English language, when the mistake was noticed, someone corrected it.

They changed the first "e" to an "a".

[pilotbob]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I work in genius central. True Story: This week a note was posted on the bulletin board letting all shifts know that if a certain group was to send us a certain item, we were to "except" it. Well, just to show that not everyone where I work is totally ignorant of the English language, when the mistake was noticed, someone corrected it.

They changed the "e" to an "a".

you should axe who did that?

[badgoodDeb]

But only actually axe them if they are in your journalism department!

[Fbone]

“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

[cromag]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I work in genius central. True Story: This week a note was posted on the bulletin board letting all shifts know that if a certain group was to send us a certain item, we were to "except" it. Well, just to show that not everyone where I work is totally ignorant of the English language, when the mistake was noticed, someone corrected it.

They changed the "e" to an "a".

Ummm ... I'm afraid to ask which "e."

[poohbear_nc]

I got an email today from the company that repairs our printers. They wanted to proudly announce the "edition" of a new member to their service department.

I couldn't read any further ....