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Old 12-26-2012, 05:35 PM   #5821
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants were unhurt, but stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

“I know,” said the manager. “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we’ll be on our way.”

“No,” said the hardware engineer. “I’ve got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we’ll be on our way.”

“Wait,” said the software engineer. “Before we do anything, shouldn’t we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?”
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Old 12-26-2012, 05:57 PM   #5822
orlok
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I got an Amazon voucher for Christmas.

I've ordered two piranha fish and a pygmy.
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Old 12-26-2012, 07:40 PM   #5823
Freeshadow
temp. out of service
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You'll have to pay additional shipping, the pygmies are imported from Africa, it's no amazon stuff. They fooled you with black Friday sales ;p
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Old 12-27-2012, 07:43 AM   #5824
steven522
binomial: homo legentem
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There are a couple of pygmy tribes along the Amazon, so Orlok should be good.

You getting a Baka or a Mbuti?
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Old 12-27-2012, 09:33 AM   #5825
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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The Amazon is nowhere near Africa. This globalization thing is getting way out of hand...so to speak...
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Old 12-27-2012, 02:50 PM   #5826
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.

“My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.

“Then what’s the matter?

“I’m trying to give up drinking.”
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Old 12-27-2012, 10:56 PM   #5827
wannabee
Media Bloke
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Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talk about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy, he started working in the company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for Christmas."
The second guy said, "Damn, thats terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner and now owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!"
The third man said. "Well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!"
The three guys congratulate each other just as the forth guy returned from the restroom and he asked what they are congratulating each other for?
One of the three says, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son, what does he do?"
The forth guy replies, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends say, "Thats a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied. "Nah, I'm not ashamed he's my son and I love him..and he hasn't done too bad for himself either. Why, just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:05 PM   #5828
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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The good news about middle age is that the glass is still half-full… of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
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Old 12-29-2012, 12:04 PM   #5829
issybird
o saeclum infacetum
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Old 12-29-2012, 12:50 PM   #5830
WT Sharpe
Grand Muckity-Muck
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Amen.
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Old 12-29-2012, 06:43 PM   #5831
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.

“Baked tongue of chicken,” she replied.

“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”

“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
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Old 12-30-2012, 07:27 AM   #5832
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Amen.
Especially expressions brought into English from other languages where words are tortured so much as to be unrecognizable...
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Old 12-30-2012, 07:45 AM   #5833
orlok
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^ One of my most embarrassing examples of this was my pronounciation of "Echinacea" when I tried to ask for it in a health-food shop. I said it as it looks, and it took a while for the assistant to work out what I wanted was "Ek-in-aisha" .
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Old 12-30-2012, 07:55 AM   #5834
Stitchawl
Opsimath
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^ One of my most embarrassing examples of this was my pronounciation of "Echinacea" when I tried to ask for it in a health-food shop. I said it as it looks, and it took a while for the assistant to work out what I wanted was "Ek-in-aisha" .
High School French class, 1963... had to read last night's home work assignment aloud to the class... about French history and the role played by
"Vercingetorix." Try that one aloud when you didn't pre-read it the night before as we were suppose to... and do so 'smoothly' so the teacher won't realize I didn't do my homework...


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Old 12-30-2012, 02:14 PM   #5835
poohbear_nc
Chicken McNightmare
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I fell flat on dingy (dark & dusty) and dingy (small boat) - I first encountered it whilst reading Treasure Island - and promptly read it aloud with a hard G until corrected in front of all my classmates by a sadistic teacher who reveled in public humiliation as a teaching strategy.

[and it worked! I've never forgotten that moment in my elementary school education!]
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