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Old 12-10-2012, 04:32 PM   #5761
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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The couple’s young daughter had adopted a stray cat.

To her mother’s distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. “Don’t worry,” her husband reassured her. “I’ll have him trained in no time.”

They watched for several days as he patiently “trained” their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
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Old 12-10-2012, 06:30 PM   #5762
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o saeclum infacetum
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:16 AM   #5763
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Brains!
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I hope this makes sense in English:

What do roosters say?
Cock-a-doodle-doo!

What do donkeys say?
Hee-haw!

What do cats say?
Meow!

What do dogs say?
She is just a friend, my dear!
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Old 12-11-2012, 01:25 PM   #5764
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Grand Muckity-Muck
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That makes perfect sense in English.
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Old 12-11-2012, 03:43 PM   #5765
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”
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Old 12-12-2012, 02:52 PM   #5766
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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The Baby Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?”

The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.”

“OK,” said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.”

“Thanks Mom,” replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?”

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy relpies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.”

“That’s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom…”

“Yes, son?”

“Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?”
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Old 12-12-2012, 05:37 PM   #5767
orlok
Getting back into it
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One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass, shaking that ass.
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:09 AM   #5768
steven522
binomial: homo legentem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post
... playing with a toy donkey.
Great. Now I have to clean up the coffee I just spit all-over my desk.
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Old 12-13-2012, 12:41 PM   #5769
MJK2111
FUBAR!
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Q: Why are Dolly Parton's feet so small?
Spoiler:
A: Because things don't grow well in the shade...


Q: Have you tried pickle bread?
Spoiler:
A: The unique flavor comes from dill dough...
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Old 12-13-2012, 12:41 PM   #5770
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

“Excuse me!” he yells to the woman. “Where am I?”

“You’re in a helicopter,” she replies.

The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.

“That was amazing!” says a passenger, “How did you know from that woman’s answer where you were?”

“Easy,” says the pilot, “Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless.
So I immediately knew the building had to be Microsoft Tech Support.”
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Old 12-13-2012, 01:00 PM   #5771
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Grand Sorcerer
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(similar to the above but different)

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Old 12-13-2012, 01:01 PM   #5772
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A Microsoft programmer died and he had to decide where he wanted to go Heaven or Hell. He was taken to both the places before getting a chance to select either. An angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, hot bikini girls, volleyball, and rock & roll, where everyone was having a wild time. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!" "Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?" "Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. There, a bunch of people were sitting in a park, playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons. "This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer. "Yup," said the angel. "Then I'll take Hell." He was thrown in the hell. He saw himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot guano, with the ghosts of the damned in torment around him. He cried, "Its cheating, where are the babes? The beach? The Jazz? The volleyball?" The angel said, "That was the demo version!"
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Old 12-13-2012, 01:02 PM   #5773
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhood of $155,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a new Corvette?" The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."
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Old 12-13-2012, 01:03 PM   #5774
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An ambitious engineer decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank! Then the man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies.. Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts!

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the island. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months". She peers deeply into his eyes, "You know. . ." He can't believe what he's hearing and his joy mounts. "You mean...?

He swallows excitedly. "Can I check my email from here?
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Old 12-13-2012, 02:57 PM   #5775
badgoodDeb
Wizard
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That sounds like the most logical request to me!
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