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Old 12-02-2012, 03:13 PM   #5716
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A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
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Old 12-02-2012, 05:27 PM   #5717
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The Hierarchy of Power Semantics
(A story of software development)


In the beginning was the Plan and the Specification.
And the Plan was without form and the Specification it was void.
And darkness was on the face of the implementation team.
And they spake unto their leader, saying,
"It is a crock of s**t and it stinks to high heaven."

And it was the leader and it was the project head.
Now the leader spake unto the project head, saying,
"It is a crock of faeces and intolerably malodorous."

And it was the project head and it was the department manager.
Now the project head spake unto his department manager, saying,
"It is a container of excrement and its effluvium is very strong."

And it was the department manager and it was the product manager.
Now the department manager spake unto his product manager, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer of overpowering strength."

And it was the product manager and it was the marketing manager.
Now the product manager spake unto his marketing manager, saying,
"It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants and strong it is."

And it was the marketing manager and it was the area manager.
Now the marketing manager spake unto his area manager, saying,
"It promoteth growth and it is very powerful."

And it was the area manager and it was the general manager.
Now the area manager spake unto his general manager, saying,
"This powerful new product will promote the growth of the company."

And the general manager looked on the product and saw that it was good.
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Old 12-02-2012, 06:09 PM   #5718
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
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Old 12-02-2012, 06:31 PM   #5719
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pdurrant View Post
The Hierarchy of Power Semantics
(A story of software development)


In the beginning was the Plan and the Specification.
And the Plan was without form and the Specification it was void.
And darkness was on the face of the implementation team.
And they spake unto their leader, saying,
"It is a crock of s**t and it stinks to high heaven."

And it was the leader and it was the project head.
Now the leader spake unto the project head, saying,
"It is a crock of faeces and intolerably malodorous."

And it was the project head and it was the department manager.
Now the project head spake unto his department manager, saying,
"It is a container of excrement and its effluvium is very strong."

And it was the department manager and it was the product manager.
Now the department manager spake unto his product manager, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer of overpowering strength."

And it was the product manager and it was the marketing manager.
Now the product manager spake unto his marketing manager, saying,
"It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants and strong it is."

And it was the marketing manager and it was the area manager.
Now the marketing manager spake unto his area manager, saying,
"It promoteth growth and it is very powerful."

And it was the area manager and it was the general manager.
Now the area manager spake unto his general manager, saying,
"This powerful new product will promote the growth of the company."

And the general manager looked on the product and saw that it was good.
Thus was born Windows...
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Old 12-03-2012, 03:05 AM   #5720
pdurrant
The Grand Mouse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yvanleterrible View Post
Thus was born Windows...
Well, actually I remember first reading this well before Windows and even, I think, before the first IBM PC appeared...

...it's a good thing the thread title doesn't mention 'new' or I'd never post here!
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:10 AM   #5721
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with TBR of 500+ !!!
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A woman was dying. She called her husband and confessed, "Darling, I am sorry. I cheated on you."

Husband replies, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:22 AM   #5722
Nexutix
with TBR of 500+ !!!
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A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her while making love. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the last part?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
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Old 12-03-2012, 06:14 AM   #5723
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pdurrant View Post
...it's a good thing the thread title doesn't mention 'new' or I'd never post here!
The thread would be much shorter as several jokes have been rewritten several times already. Some just re-copied.

Older jokes do have a certain charm as they reflect their time and context. Then again there's nothing new under the sun. Humans are humans...
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Old 12-03-2012, 03:54 PM   #5724
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes," said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.

After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
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Old 12-03-2012, 06:40 PM   #5725
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Almost peed myself... phew!
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Old 12-03-2012, 07:37 PM   #5726
Stitchawl
Opsimath
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.......
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

You hit the jackpot with this one!


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Old 12-03-2012, 07:38 PM   #5727
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Humans are humans...

Hmmm.... Not all of us.



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Old 12-04-2012, 03:57 PM   #5728
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The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:32 PM   #5729
Bookpossum
Snoozing in the sun
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The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.


That reminds me of "The meek shall inherit the earth ... if that's all right with the rest of you?"
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:12 PM   #5730
Fbone
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
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