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Old 11-30-2012, 06:15 AM   #5701
Stitchawl
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Originally Posted by orlok View Post
"I'm going out to scrape the car" said my wife this morning.


"Against what?" I asked.




(where are you sleeping tonight?)


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Old 11-30-2012, 09:22 AM   #5702
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From the car joke I remembered computer-generated joke. ("Computational humor" on Wikipedia)
Q: What is different between leaves and car?
A: One you brush and rake, the other you rush and brake.
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Old 11-30-2012, 05:59 PM   #5703
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The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:04 PM   #5704
guanaco
Brains!
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In the Shaolin monastery:

Monk: Master?
Master: Tell me grasshopper.
Monk: Why a man who has intercourse with several women is called a champion, while a woman who has intercourse with several men is called a prostitute?
Master: My dear grasshopper. A key which opens several locks is a master key. A lock which is open by several keys is useless.
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:42 PM   #5705
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
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Old 12-01-2012, 05:48 AM   #5706
Nexutix
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One more I found:

After 30 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she went: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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Old 12-01-2012, 04:31 PM   #5707
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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At a psychiatric hospital three patients are up for release. The Doctor decides to give them an intelligence test. He turns to the first man and asks, "What is three times three?"

"274," he replies.

The Doctor asks the second man, "What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The Doctor turns to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man proudly.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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Old 12-01-2012, 04:50 PM   #5708
Quexos
In limbo
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LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fbone View Post
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
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Old 12-01-2012, 06:00 PM   #5709
James_Wilde
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The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:29 PM   #5710
Iznogood
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Quote:
Originally Posted by James_Wilde View Post
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
I prefer to use my toes for this
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Old 12-02-2012, 03:20 AM   #5711
Stitchawl
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I prefer to use my toes for this
Not so much a preference, but I seem to use my toes in the dark to discover where the cat puked...


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Old 12-02-2012, 03:29 AM   #5712
Stitchawl
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Old 12-02-2012, 05:27 AM   #5713
amward
Wizard
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Not so much a preference, but I seem to use my toes in the dark to discover where the cat puked...


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That happens here too!
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Old 12-02-2012, 10:26 AM   #5714
Hamlet53
Feast of the Goat
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Old 12-02-2012, 10:53 AM   #5715
Kumabjorn
Basculocolpic
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