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Old 08-03-2012, 09:16 AM   #1
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family dilema sorta. need advice

okay so i have been with my partner for almost 11 years and today i find out he apparently has a 15 year old kid who in turn has her own kid and now has decided to contact my partner. now granted it has thrown me being that he is now a grandad at age 29. now i know this is something that i cant control. it has happened, i cant undo it. whats got me totally confused is that he has said many times over the years he does not want kids and im fine with that as i dont really want them either. but now he suddenly wants to be in these peoples lives and wants me to be in there to supporting him and them.


is it me being a complete bitch that i want absolutely nothing to do with the situation and feeling completely derailed that as many times as he has said he doesn't want kids now wants to jump on the daddy wagon?


i have really no idea how to even begin to approach this. has any ever been in a situation like this and can offer any advice?
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Old 08-03-2012, 10:25 AM   #2
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Did he know he had a child the whole time and was hoping it would never come up? Or is this news as much a surprise to him as it is to you? If it was a "little secret" he was hiding, then you have some trust issue between the two of you that you really need to work out. If it was a surprise all around then think how you might feel if a long-lost sister that you never knew about appeared and wanted back in your life.

Either way, there is an underlying state of flesh-and-blood bond going on and previous sentiments about having or not having children kind of go out the window at this point. I have seen first hand how the "evil stepmother" syndrome can cause all kinds of problems for the partners and for the children (one side or the other or even both).

Not knowing the whole story, I, personally, would suggest thinking over the whole trust issue and if you still want to be together, then it needs to be for good and hard times. Try not to put any blame on the child or grandchild and if you are going to continue forward together then accept them completely.

I don't know if this helps or hurts the situation, but either way try not to jump headlong into any rash decisions without really thinking things through.
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Old 08-04-2012, 06:18 AM   #3
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yeah i have been thinking about it and i think the thing that has really got me in a spin is the sudden shift from being so adamant about the not having of kids and then the sudden turn around.

im still sticking on the i want no part of this approach. i actually want a paternity test done but i really have no idea how to even bring it up as my partner doesnt even know for sure if its his or not.

thanks for the advice though
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:20 AM   #4
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You haven't been clear on whether he knew about having a kid or not. That's the only thing that could possibly clear him of charges at this point - although it's extremely unlikely for a guy to not know. The girl would have to get pregnant, and instead of telling him about it, she'd have to break up, break off all contact, and then somehow make sure he doesn't learn about it via third party (such as friends, family, etc.). Having a kid is not an easy secret to keep, pregnancy tends to attract attention, and people usually ask questions, and then there's internet/facebook etc.

So I'll just assume he knew and didn't tell you. So he's been deceiving you, lying to you the entire time. Wow. And now he's got you wondering whether you're a complete bitch or not? What an asshole.

If he's had a kid for 15 years, it's high time he took some responsiblity. But that's his responsibility - not yours.

Time to move on. Better a horrible end than horror without end.
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:28 AM   #5
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People have the right to change their mind! Besides this kid was born before you met him & maybe the Kid wants his Dad in his life! When he was 15 I dought he knew what being a Dad ment...scared the hell out of him! Why he been in denial... IF he even knew!

How much You want to be involved ie up to you but I vote give it a chance!
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:31 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by frostschutz View Post
So I'll just assume he knew and didn't tell you. So he's been deceiving you, lying to you the entire time. Wow. And now he's got you wondering whether you're a complete bitch or not? What an asshole.
That seems a little harsh. Not telling somebody something is not "lying". If all this happened 5 years before he met the OP, perhaps he just wanted to put that part of his life behind him and make a fresh start. Let's not be so quick to assign malicious motives when we know nothing about it.
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:45 AM   #7
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he says he didnt know and he did move around alot in his teenage years (his mum was a country relief teacher) so it is possible that he didnt know. i dont know.

i guess im just finding it hard to accept that after so many years of being so against having children and everything that he suddenly has a change of mind over a little skank that he cant even be sure is his or not.

maybe its also the fact that he doesnt want to have kids with me and that this complete stranger now threatens what i have worked towards building with him.

see shes contacted him cause shes 15 and already has a kid of her own and wants someone to bail her out of what shes got herself into.

and call me a bitch or the evil step mother i dont care but this little ho is not getting once red cent of what i have been working my ass off for the last decade....



oh and Harry i have asked over the years if hes got any kids out there. he was a self admitted player before we met and he has always said no he didnt
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:48 AM   #8
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Don't you think that it's a little harsh to call the girl a "whore" because she's had a child at the age of 15?
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Old 08-04-2012, 08:13 AM   #9
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probably. im sure shes a perfectly nice child that just got herself into trouble and yada yada yada. but i mean come on really. this kid of hers is almost 2 for crying out loud., that means she would have been barley 13 when she got pregnant. maybe im sheltered or whatever but when i was 13 i was more concerned with playing video games and such than i was trying to sleep with my male friends. but i dont really want to get into a debate about weather she is or not and i am sorry if i offended you with my words there harry.
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Old 08-04-2012, 08:20 AM   #10
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I'm not offended in the least.

What this boils down to, it seems to me, is whether you're going to throw away a relationship you've built over the last 11 years for the sake of something that happened 5 years before you met your partner. In that time, you've presumably got to know him pretty well. Is he a good man? If the answer is "yes", then the best course of action it seems to me, difficult though it is, would be to work with him and decide together what's the best way to handle this very difficult situation. But only you can answer the question as to whether your relationship is worth saving.

I wish you the very best of luck, whatever the outcome of the situation. It must be a very difficult time for both of you.
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Old 08-04-2012, 10:42 AM   #11
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Not telling somebody something is not "lying".
A father's got a right to know if he's got a kid somewhere; and a partner has got the right to know if your partner's already got a kid from a prior relationship. Not telling is a serious thing; whoever didn't tell helped create a mess that has the potential of ruining more than one person's life.

It's not a mess I'd ever want to get into, and I'd do everything to get out of, if at all possible. And it's possible as long as you're still somewhat of an innocent bystander, albeit with a 10 year relationship.

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maybe im sheltered or whatever but when i was 13 i was more concerned with playing video games and such than i was trying to sleep with my male friends.
Maybe you had a dad who helped raise you instead of [language edit - moderator] around with other girls like her father did? From the kids point of view, the whore may very well be you.

Suppose you did get pregnant at 13 for whatever reason? It happens unfortunately, and not always with consent; either case a young mother needs all support she can get. She's in a mess she can't get out of; in that way she's worse off than you; you can walk away from the problem, if only you break up; she can not, no matter what she does.

If you attack her, you're taking it out on the wrong person - you can't blame her for existing, that's her parents responsibility entirely.

Not your responsibility though, and hopefully you're smart enough to make it stay that way. If you want to hate her, better to do it from a distance.

Quote:
Let's not be so quick to assign malicious motives when we know nothing about it.
Yes, the forum may not be the best place for such a discussion anyway. Maybe you should talk to people who know the people involved. Your/his friends/parents, the kid's mother, whatever it takes to clear things up.

If he lied to you or wasn't telling, he doesn't deserve you. Is all I really wanted to say. Sorry for saying more, not my business anyhow.

Best of luck

Last edited by dreams; 08-04-2012 at 05:13 PM. Reason: profane language edit - moderator
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:19 PM   #12
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Gee You been living eith him for 11 yrs Without being married You have the nerve to call her a Skank & Ho! How many guys did You Bed Before /during ??? Just cause you didnt get preggers doent mean I think you were a virgin... Proof Being with some one without getting married 1st.. hummm Damn woman get out of their life! Your Not good enough to be in it!
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Old 08-04-2012, 04:31 PM   #13
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Gee You been living eith him for 11 yrs Without being married You have the nerve to call her a Skank & Ho! How many guys did You Bed Before /during ??? Just cause you didnt get preggers doent mean I think you were a virgin... Proof Being with some one without getting married 1st.. hummm Damn woman get out of their life! Your Not good enough to be in it!
who in there said i wasn't married? just because i call him my partner rather than my husband doesn't mean anything. And I came here for some advice not to be called names and insulted and called a cheater. I want an apology from you.

And im sorry if it makes me a completely horrible person for getting my hackles up over this kid wanting to come into our lives and ruin what we have worked to and for feeling completely inadequate over the kids things then i am truly sorry. harry was right this place is probably not the best place to asking this but i only did so as i wanted a unbiased response from someone not involved

harry please close this thread if you can. I dont think anything else good is gonna come from this being open. and thank you for the advice. maybe a professional counselor would be the best thing for me to consult
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Old 08-04-2012, 04:35 PM   #14
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I not going to appoligise No more than you applogise to that girl for you calling her a Ho!

Yes I agree 100% You need help!
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Old 08-04-2012, 04:36 PM   #15
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Katie1, that seems more than a little harsh. The OP is having a hard time, try to put yourself in her place, please.

Plenty of people have a long term relationship outside marriage, I certainly did. You don't need the ceremony to be committed to someone.

Dillsandwitch, take a liitle time to talk to your SO, he may be as shocked as you. Don't rush into actions you might regret later. Courage!
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