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Old 11-12-2011, 12:40 PM   #1
VydorScope
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Wording help requested :)

Okay setting.. this dude, lets call him Bill cause that is what his mother named him, this dude Bill is middle aged, somewhat of a redneck and a war vet. He is very rough around the edges, and is currently serving in the navy. He has been promoted up the chain of command over the years and now has to do some public speaking (press events and the like) to give updates to the people about the current war. To help with this an aid has been assigned to him to work on his image, and handle the media relations. This aid has pretty much an impossible job.

The line below comes from a scene in a bar where the aid is carefully explaining to Bill that it probably was not the best idea to be drinking in the bar before his next interview. Bill is thinking to himself about the poor aid...

" I really felt bad for him. His job was to take a crusty flight jock and make him a shiny clean public figure. "

That just is not working... but not sure how to word it. Bill is having a minor epiphany here and that does not seem to capture it.

Any suggestions?
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Old 11-12-2011, 05:07 PM   #2
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"I really feel bad for him. He's supposed to make a polished public figure from me, but I don't think I polish very well. I'm just a crusty, old, flight jock who says what he wants. Usually gets me in trouble, too."

Is this supposed to be past tense, or present? Is this any better?
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Old 11-12-2011, 06:58 PM   #3
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How about:

"The guy had a shitty job, commanded to take a crusty flight jock and shine him up into clean public figure. I felt bad for him."
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Old 11-13-2011, 01:54 PM   #4
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Bill might think feelings, but I don't think he's gonna think about feelings. I would leave out the "I felt …"
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Old 11-13-2011, 02:03 PM   #5
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" I really felt bad for him. His job was to take a crusty old flight jock and turn him into a smooth, pristine public figure. "
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:38 PM   #6
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"I really felt bad for him. His job was to make me presentable... about like polishing a turd."
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Old 11-14-2011, 03:53 PM   #7
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Unless he was some wuss he wouldn't think anything like that while he was drinking. At best he might think it the next morning when he's got a hangover.
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Old 11-14-2011, 03:56 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mr ploppy View Post
Unless he was some wuss he wouldn't think anything like that while he was drinking. At best he might think it the next morning when he's got a hangover.
Vydor didn't say he was that far along in his drinking yet.

Yes, if he's already 3 sheets to the wind, his response would more likely be "F*ck'n kid."
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Old 11-14-2011, 03:57 PM   #9
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You might want to spell 'aide' correctly as well
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:07 PM   #10
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You might want to spell 'aide' correctly as well
Yea, thats what editors are for hehe
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:12 PM   #11
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Vydor didn't say he was that far along in his drinking yet.
He just walked off the stage from doing a press conference and this aide was trying to steer him to an interview but Bill headed to the bar to "clear his head first." He has not started drinking yet at when this minor epiphany hits but he is about to buy his aide a drink to help the aide relax. (he never does make it to the interview, or have time to get drunk...but such is life durring a war)
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:15 PM   #12
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Bill might think feelings, but I don't think he's gonna think about feelings. I would leave out the "I felt …"
This is a very interesting thought I did not consider. Perhaps instead of "I felt bad for him" it would be better phrased "The poor kid..."
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:24 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrscoach View Post
"I really feel bad for him. He's supposed to make a polished public figure from me, but I don't think I polish very well. I'm just a crusty, old, flight jock who says what he wants. Usually gets me in trouble, too."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sao View Post
How about:

"The guy had a shitty job, commanded to take a crusty flight jock and shine him up into clean public figure. I felt bad for him."
Quote:
Originally Posted by morriss003 View Post
" I really felt bad for him. His job was to take a crusty old flight jock and turn him into a smooth, pristine public figure. "
Quote:
Originally Posted by Native View Post
Bill might think feelings, but I don't think he's gonna think about feelings. I would leave out the "I felt …"
Hmm something mixed in here... maybe:

"The poor kid was just trying to do his job, which was take an crusty old pilot who had a bad habit of speaking his mind and making a polished public figure out of him."

(did not think of casting him as "young" but compared to Bill he probably is)

How does that read?
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Old 11-14-2011, 11:23 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VydorScope View Post
Hmm something mixed in here... maybe:

"The poor kid was just trying to do his job, which was take an crusty old pilot who had a bad habit of speaking his mind and making a polished public figure out of him."

(did not think of casting him as "young" but compared to Bill he probably is)

How does that read?
Since I'm a nit-picker, I want it to say "make a polished public figure out of him?". Active, not passive.

In my head it flows better that way, take and make instead of take and making.
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Old 11-15-2011, 12:05 PM   #15
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"wouldn't want to be in his shoes" is another possibility to avoid "feel bad for him." As Native mentioned, I'm thinking the crusty flight jock just wouldn't use that "feel" word when talking about another person.
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