Thanks Jim. V 1.4 now added. I made almost all the improvements you suggested except the book fair thing which I would like to keep 'as is' in keeping with the 'mysterious, strange' nature of dreams; but let's see what other pros have to say on that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by arjaybe
v1.3
I can see where you've made improvements.
Clarify the rooms - maybe ". . . all the lights in our flat . . ."
No need to mention the snuffing. Don't want to lessen the effect of the tobacco.
Did he have a stroke or a heart attack?
The paragraph with the book fair is unnecessarily complicated.
Good to see you working on the contracts. We're learning more about the father.
Good to see you using dialogue to explain things.
Does the Mom go to the kitchen or her room for the rice balls (bowls)?
There's more to talk about, but I want to see what the others say and avoid overloading you.
Jim
|