Actually, the problem is the mix of tenses. I think I would write the sentence like this:
Quote:
|
The voice in her brain felt like it is dying, draining in strength along with the dark blood leaking from her freshly opened leg wound.
|
This puts everything in the present tense. Presumably, the sentence is reporting something that is currently happening, not something that happened in the past; at least that is what
draining, dying, and
leaking imply.
Also, grammatically, the dash does not belong. You can use it and no one would be misled, but the correct form would be a comma. There is no reason for an exaggerated pause and you really don't have 2 sentences.