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Old 03-07-2014, 10:14 AM   #20
gmw
cacoethes scribendi
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Vera's Itch

Quote:
Originally Posted by arjaybe View Post
It happens again in the next paragraph, but again it's him thinking. If it's deliberate then at least it's consistent.
I will try to keep a careful eye out for tense conflicts as I edit it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by arjaybe View Post
Spoiler:
So she discovered the effect on the old man's first night, and after that she can do it when she gets the itch, but she didn't get the itch before the old man. I think I'd better turn in.-)
Spoiler:
I see what you mean, although I don't see it as a conflict. The first time has an inbuilt reason to be different - it's the first time. There are also seemingly reasonable explanations that I don't think I should spend time explaining inside the story: the story doesn't say there was no itch, there may have been, but its occurrence has no real consequence to this story; the old man moved in without being invited by Vera, so the itch wasn't necessary - it may be that the mysterious effect or knowledge that governs the itch already "knew" the man was arriving; or his arrival coincided with when the itch would have started. In short, I don't think it really matters to the story being told.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Graham View Post
[...]The only thing that I did wonder was whether Gavin needed to come across as such a jerk in the opening few paragraphs.

Spoiler:
I can’t make my mind up whether having Gavin being so unpleasant for the first few paragraphs is necessary for the plot to work or whether the potential for turning some readers off the story early might be worth toning it down a little.
I may be wrong, but I feel as though Gavin's nature is part of the "spark" to the opening of the story. A more - I'd like to say "ordinary" but not sure that's accurate, so let's try - likable character would make the opening feel more sedate and may confuse the reader's reaction at the end of the story. (Or the reaction I was looking for.)

I suppose some readers may get turned off ... but I think I'll chance it as it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graham View Post
I think you're down to the line editing on this one; the structure and feel are good. Do you want to do another pass before we weigh in too heavily on line edit comments or would these be helpful now?
I definitely want to do my own editing pass before I ask for line edit comments. There are several paragraphs in there that I know I want to smooth out.

Last edited by gmw; 03-07-2014 at 10:19 AM. Reason: Added title for clarity
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