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gmw · 03-07-2014, 09:52 AM

Spoiler:

I think there is a potentially interesting story in here. Shradh (elsewhere I've seen it written as sraddha, shraaddha or shraddha - I am assuming you mean the same thing), is not something I know much about, and that was enough to intrigue me.

Like arjaybe, I found the writing and flow of the story rather disjointed, and that made it a difficult to follow at times. Examples: it wasn't clear to me exactly what the sleeping arrangements were (all in one room?); you make a issue of the lighting and yet it wasn't clear that this really mattered (until it comes to not wanting to sleep in the dark); the paragraph with the tobacco pot left me puzzled.

The unfamiliarity of the setting was a problem for me. I didn't know where I was starting from, and it took me a long time to form any sort of feel for the setting, and - to be honest - I came away with only a very hazy idea.

The opening suggests some ambivalence to the father, and yet that aspect doesn't really show itself again in the story. If it's not important I think it should be dropped.

For my taste, there was too much recited to me as facts, rather than revealed as part of the story. There is a lot of detail in there that is needed (and more, if you hope to educate someone like myself who is so unfamiliar with any of this), so it is going to be difficult to do well in a short story.

Like Graham, I tend to think this might be better (for an audience like myself) told from the perspective of someone outside the culture. It is possible that telling it in the third person may give you the flexibility needed to make things clearer.

Spoiler:

I also agree with Graham that while the writing itself needs some tightening, that should not be the first priority. The first thing will be to organise the story to make it more accessible to readers.

Note: There is an element of unfairness in some of these comments. When I write a contemporary story I tend to assume my readers will be in a culture recognisably similar to my own - and this lets me get away with a lot. My own story opens in a bar that I do very little to describe, I expect my readers to fill in many of the details. It's a cheat, but one that works when the readers already carry a reasonably common and predictable set of images about what a "bar" is. It wouldn't work at all if the story was handed to some other cultures. Your story doesn't have that advantage if you want your story to work for an audience like myself.

03-07-2014, 09:52 AM	#19
gmw cacoethes scribendi Posts: 5,809 Karma: 137770742 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Australia Device: Kobo Aura One & H2Ov2, Sony PRS-650	When My Father 'Died' Spoiler: My first problem with this story came with the title. It seems to me that the quotes around "died" are an immediate spoiler. I think there is a potentially interesting story in here. Shradh (elsewhere I've seen it written as sraddha, shraaddha or shraddha - I am assuming you mean the same thing), is not something I know much about, and that was enough to intrigue me. Like arjaybe, I found the writing and flow of the story rather disjointed, and that made it a difficult to follow at times. Examples: it wasn't clear to me exactly what the sleeping arrangements were (all in one room?); you make a issue of the lighting and yet it wasn't clear that this really mattered (until it comes to not wanting to sleep in the dark); the paragraph with the tobacco pot left me puzzled. The unfamiliarity of the setting was a problem for me. I didn't know where I was starting from, and it took me a long time to form any sort of feel for the setting, and - to be honest - I came away with only a very hazy idea. The opening suggests some ambivalence to the father, and yet that aspect doesn't really show itself again in the story. If it's not important I think it should be dropped. For my taste, there was too much recited to me as facts, rather than revealed as part of the story. There is a lot of detail in there that is needed (and more, if you hope to educate someone like myself who is so unfamiliar with any of this), so it is going to be difficult to do well in a short story. Like Graham, I tend to think this might be better (for an audience like myself) told from the perspective of someone outside the culture. It is possible that telling it in the third person may give you the flexibility needed to make things clearer. Spoiler: As noted by others, the "it was just a dream" ending doesn't work, or not as it is. You might be able to force it to work by not having it as a "surprise ending", but by telling the whole story as someone's dream. I also agree with Graham that while the writing itself needs some tightening, that should not be the first priority. The first thing will be to organise the story to make it more accessible to readers. Note: There is an element of unfairness in some of these comments. When I write a contemporary story I tend to assume my readers will be in a culture recognisably similar to my own - and this lets me get away with a lot. My own story opens in a bar that I do very little to describe, I expect my readers to fill in many of the details. It's a cheat, but one that works when the readers already carry a reasonably common and predictable set of images about what a "bar" is. It wouldn't work at all if the story was handed to some other cultures. Your story doesn't have that advantage if you want your story to work for an audience like myself.