Quote:
Originally Posted by mr ploppy
Not sure if you're looking for a critique or not, but ...
Mistakes:
Let go check it out
In was a room, hewn into a rough rectangle
Spunkmeyer turned and pushing himself into the shaft
He turned threw his body headlong
We’ve got some one alive here
the two marine's he’d sent to reconnoiter the village
the gouge in the man’s next (not sure what this should say -- neck?)
daylight was making its presence know
blackened figures wondered aimlessly
You also use the term "decimated" when referring to a village that has been competely destroyed.
What didn't work for me:
another set of teeth tore him a new anus
“Spunkmeyer! Oh, goddamn it! They're biting me!” (he would be more likely to say "aaaaaaaaahh" or "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..")
I also thought there wasn't much violence in it for a zombie story, and what there was seemed notably bloodless, like the old cowboy and indian films.
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Mr Ploppy
Thank you for taking the time to read Splatoon and offer your opinion. The typo's will be amended in accordance with your very thorough observations.
Sadly the comments based around personal tastes will have to remain,well, personal given that everyone seeks different elements within a story. What does and doesn't work varies dependant upon the individual. All I can say in the defence on the comment of lack of violence is that the zombie forums have no such complaint so I'm duty bound to go with majority rule.
Thanks for your comments. I'm guessing that the heavy weighting towards the negative elements in the story suggests it has detracted from your enjoyment and for this I can only apologise. But thank you for reading this free piece of fiction all the same.
Very best
Dave