[Steven Lyle Jordan]

"You," I said, "have my full attention. This has gotta be good."

"Years ago," Amy began, "we thought we could combat the publishing revolution by appealing to the world's sense of conservation of resources. Paper, after all, represents a multi-billion-dollar industry, worldwide, and has contributed to the clearcutting of entire countries' forestry resources."

"Creating soil erosion and sustainability problems, ruining entire ecosystems, and contributing to global warming," I said.

"Right," Amy nodded. "So we were at the forefront of a campaign organized to alert the public to the plight of the world's forests, and to cease the all-out harvesting of our forests for reading material. The idea was, if publishers couldn't get paper, their printing and distributions would shut down, and they'd collapse under their own weight."

"Hmph. That almost sounds like it could work. So, what happened?"

The proprietor replied, simply, "S**t."

"Excuse me?"

"Toilet paper," Amy said, giving the proprietor a nasty glance. "The world uses a lot of toilet paper. They also like to read when on the toilet. And in poorer countries, they use reading matter as toilet paper. They weren't going to sit still... so to speak... while a bunch of fanatics tried to rid the world of paper. So we were shot down every time."

"So, there's still paper," I stated. "What else can you do to stop printing?"

"What's the other essential element required in printing?" Amy asked. "Ink. No ink, no printing."

"You're trying to rid the world of... ink?"

"Not 'rid the world'... we already know that won't work," Amy replied. "Instead, we are working to repurpose it."

"How?"

"After doing extensive research," the proprietor said, "We've discovered that although people are not so hep to protect a few random forests, they are a lot more interested in protecting animals. Especially cute ones. Brings out the maternal instincts, and all that."

"Okay, I'll buy that," I said.

"The trick was," Amy continued, "to find a way to combine that with our needs. We discovered a cute animal that is on the road to extinction, its habitats threatened by industrialization, its food sources running out in many areas. This animal is so popular that people worldwide want to save them, and will pay big money to see them in zoos and private collections. The market is huge.

"However, there simply aren't enough of them to go around, and they do not breed well in captivity. So we are diverting two resources to fill a market for a third."

"How?"

"First, we had to find an animal that was very close in appearance to the endangered animal. We hack into worldwide delivery databases for ink, and arrange to have as much ink as we can diverted to our secret labs in Boca Raton. There, we use the ink to alter the appearance of our substitute animals, to create our endangered animals. Then we sell them to zoos, and use the profits to divert more ink through legitimate sales channels. Here."

Amy brought me over to a writer at a table. After asking to borrow his laptop, she turned it in her direction, and started typing. "You can see an example of it, on our encrypted YouTube page, YouTube-dot-com-slash-user-slash-secretallpaperbooksmustdiediedie." After a few more seconds of typing, she turned the laptop to me, and I saw a video queueing up.

When the video started, I saw a wooden crate being positioned on a small platform by a team of white-smocked technicians. Once they were satisfied the crate was properly positioned, they exited the room. a few seconds elapsed, in which nothing happened... then, a robotic hand extended from somewhere in the ceiling, grasped the edge of the crate, and began to slide one side up and away.

"Our substitute animal is in there," Amy explained. Wait for it..."

A moment later, the animal slowly ambled out of the crate. It was clearly a member of the Ursidae family... that is, it was a bear. However, it was not a bear I'd ever seen. Its coat was snowy-white, even whiter than that of a polar bear, and its face was much shorter than that of the average bear. That short nose, and stubby legs, gave it an appearance that was hard not to appreciate.

"Aw. Ain't he cute?"

"Just wait," Amy said, "and in a second, he'll be even cuter."

And I remembered what Amy had been telling me a moment before. "Hey, wait a minute... you're not--"

Before I could finish, I saw five robotic arms quickly descend from the ceiling in the video. The arms poised themselves in strategic places around the white bear... adjusted their positions slightly... and all of a sudden, the room was obscured by clouds of pitch-black smoke.

"Jesus!" I exclaimed. "You can't be serious!"

"As a heart attack," the proprietor said from behind me. "Watch."

Sure enough, the smoke began to dissipate, apparently with the help of unseen air handlers. As the air cleared, I found myself staring at a ready-made panda bear. The owner of the laptop clapped.

Amy said, "Now, that's cute."

"And best of all," the proprietor said, "it used up enough ink to keep one copy of War and Peace... or a good Tom Clancy novel... off the bookshelves!"

I straightened up from the laptop very slowly. It was very clear to me now that these people were as insane as you could get without a prescription.

And that, naturally, is when Amy looked me in the eye and said: "So. Will you help us?"