Plot
The heroine of the story is currently Lady Marlena, not Elani. For us to believe that the goddess would choose Elani over Koryna we have to see Elani defeat the Lich.
The relationship between all three of the Ladies is too cosy, for me. In particular, Koryna and Marlena seem to be telling each other stuff that they both know just to get the information across to the reader.
Koryna's just too nice about Elani, and about losing her position as the next Ayreia.
What would you think about recasting Koryna so that she thought she was the goddess's gift to mankind, the best choice for Ayreia, and that Elani was a waste of space? This would give you lots more conflict from the moment Elani bumps into her in the corridor. It would make the point of view much clearer in the Reflections scene, as it could start with Koryna still fuming internally. This scene would then become more of an argument between Koryna and Marlena, and you're setting Koryna up for an eventual fall when Marlena reveals that the goddess commanded her to not choose Elani as assistant (that was a very nice twist that I didn't see coming), which would be even more satisfying.
The appearance of the ghouls and the rising of Nychandros feel like they've come off a D&D wandering monster table. How could you ground these more in the plot? Do you need the glade? When Elani is running away, upset and emotional, could she stumble on the lich's resting place and somehow trigger its release? (You wouldn't be able to use the ghouls but you could replace them with something like skeletal guards.)
In Elani's interview with Marlena, the emotional outburst from Elani came as a bit of a surprise to me. Can you think of a way to indicate that there's turmoil bubbling under during the opening scene? It was only at this point that I realised why Elani was unsure whether to take her quarterstaff with her when she left her room. Perhaps you could strengthen that more so that it becomes a clearer symbol of the doubt that she is struggling with?
The fact that Marlena is so kind and understanding about the doubts also made me unsure why Elani blew up so suddenly. Can you see a way to make Marlena more dismissive, at least from Elani's point of view?
On a minor note, I found that Elani was weakened because she dithered at the door. She could still argue internally with herself but knock and enter. That way we'd be rooting for inner strong Elani.
At the end of the Recovering Determination scene, the internal revelations actually resolve everything. She decides to go back to the temple and start again. In essence we're back to the start of the story at the end of page four. Can you think of a way to build the tension rather than defuse it here? Could she still be arguing with her inner thoughts? Note that it's not necessary to the current plot that she is heading back to the temple, as she gets attacked and then brought back there by the priestesses.
Dialogue
This is probably due to you working in English, with Dutch as your native language, but I found much of the dialogue to be a bit overworked; I didn't believe that the characters would actually say all the words that they do. Try speaking it all out loud. Perform the story as a play. In quite a lot of cases characters could leave things unsaid and we'd still understand the story.
Other stuff
There are elements that will confuse anyone who's never played D&D, e.g.
- "She spoke a single word, making a dimension door appear before her."
- "she had used all of her healing spells already"
- Having to think through the way her magic works while in the first instants of intense combat interrupts the flow. Can you make this much shorter, or plant the type of magic earlier, in some way?
Small slip in POV: "The high priestess was taken unawares. Of all the possible problems she could imagine, this was the one she would never have considered. For a few moments, she was at a loss for words." - This paragraph is from Marlena's point of view, but we've been firmly in Elani's head up to then.
Probably a translation issue: in the scuffle in the corridor you wrote that Koryna 'nearly avoided' the staff, which means that the staff actually hit her, not the wall. You want something like 'only just avoided' or 'narrowly avoided'.
'Lady Ariana' is a little confusing as the other main characters are also Ladies. It may just be me though. See if this bothered anyone else.
I didn't believe that Marlena and Koryna would still be sitting in Marlena's room all that time. I got a sense that at least a few hours had passed and it had grown very dark.
Minor one: "Marlena got up and walked to one of the windows, staring out at the slowly setting sun while leaning on her white staff" - why is she holding her staff if she's been sitting down? There's also a slight issue with the sentence as written, i.e. how can she be leaning on her staff if she's walking to the windows?
Finally:
“I'm a healer, not a fighter,” made me immediately think of Star Trek and "Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not an engineer!"
